(8th Series No 10)

with

PETER SELLERS

HARRY SECOMBE

SPIKE MILLIGAN

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET

MAX GELDRAY

ORCHESTRA CONDUCTED BY WALLY STOTT

ANNOUNCER: WALLACE GREENSLADE

PRODUCTION: ROY SPEER

_______________________________________________

SCRIPT: SPIKE MILLIGAN & LARRY STEPHENS

_______________________________________________

RECORDED: SUNDAY 1st DECEMBER 1957

TRANSMISSION: MONDAY 2nd DECEMBER 1957

Bill (Wallace Greenslade): This is the BBC (Light Programme.

Spike: (off) Oh. (1))

Bill: (A cosy little organisation that gives aged gentlemen like myself safe refuge from the sinful world of work.

GRAMS: Crowd cheering "Ray!" played at normal speed (2)) Lone voice shouting 'Hip, hip', with crowd answering "Ray!" a little faster, then repeated faster again

Bill: Right, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Yes. I have here in my hand, ladies and gentlemen, a chit ...

Peter: (off) (What?

Spike: (off) Say that again! (3))

Bill: ... granting me a permission to sing. (And the chit is signed by John Snagge.

Neddie: Do you have to bow your head when you mention that name?

Bill: No, but it helps. (2))

Neddie: Well, get in with the old singin' bit there, Wal.

Bill: Well, I should like to ...

Peter: Go on Wal, there.

Bill: ... sing the ballad ...

Neddie: Singin' well there.

Bill: ... I would like to sing ...

Peter: The old chat there.

Neddie: Give the old singin' there, Wal. We're stretchin' a bit ...

Bill: ... I ...

Neddie: ... there. What about the old singin' there, Wal?

Bill: ... well, I should like to sing the ballad 'Sea Fever', by John Masefield.

Neddie: Mm.

ORCHESTRA: Piano intro, but no backing

Bill: (after intro, sings) 'I must go down to the sea again ...' (pushed) Oohh!

GRAMS: Splash

Neddie: That got rid of him.

Bill: (off, calls) Help! I can't ...

GRAMS: Movement in water, struggle

Bill: ... swim in water!

Neddie: (calls) Right! Grab this imitation hand. (effort) Huh! Err!

GRAMS: Struggle in water, stops

Bill: Oh. Oh. Mr. Seagoon, that ... that river was full of ... naughty water.

Neddie: What? It must have sprung a leak! Hup!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

Neddie: Well done, well done. Well done, well done!

Peter: (long) Rrrrr. (blows)

Neddie: That's ...

Spike: (off) Go, Sellers.

Neddie: Folks, that was Peter Sellers doing an impression of the next car he intends to buy. He'll never last out. Now, Wal, wring out that wet stomach and read the writing on the seat of his underpants.

Bill: We present the new, all-leather Goon Show.

GRAMS: Crowd ovation

Neddie: (over) Stop!

GRAMS: Crowd stops

Neddie: Start!

GRAMS: Crowd ovation

Neddie: (over) Stop!

GRAMS: Crowd stops

Neddie: We've got 'em eating out of our hands tonight.

Bill: Ahh. My dear Harry, the audiences we get eat out of their hands every night.

Neddie: How dare you insult the paid claque.

Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, this week's masterpiece comes from the pen of Spike Milligan. Incidentally, Mr. Milligan is on view in his pen every Sunday morning. From it, he has just written Rider Haggard's immortal story, 'King Solomon's Mines', for the third time.

Horn: Here it is then, 'Karl Silmin's Merles'.

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music setting

GRAMS: Jungle drums, insects

Horn: (over) My name is Horn. Trader Horn. Born in Houndsditch. How would you like a name like that, eh? Horn, Trader Horn, Born in Houndsditch. My father must have been mad.

Eccles: Hello son.

FX: Pistol shot

Eccles: Oww!

Horn: I spend my life in Africa, hunting the cord of the rare female pyjamas, which are dying out rapidly. Here, let us go back to the beginning of our story. And, so saying, I sank back in me spon chair, filled my pipe with brown agony shag, and the following story I told.

GRAMS: Horn: (pre-recorded) 'I first saw Lord Seagoon in 1908.' (recording speeds up) 'It was in the South of France and the casino tables of Monte Carlo were crowded with magalahai ...' Recording (normal speed) of crowd around casino roulette wheel, ball travelling round wheel, settles into slot

Bill (French): Numero cinq, rouge.

Neddie: (megaphone) Cinq rouge. Curse, folks, I had my money on number five, red. I'd better get change.

Spike: (off) You'd better learn French, too. Ha ha ha ha.

Neddie: (megaphone) Pard ... it's a lie, folks. Pardonnez moi. Er ... avez vous le change pour mon ten-bob note pour le francs?

Bill (French): Er ... it will be easier for me if you speak English.

Neddie: I don't speak that very well, either.

Bill (French): Ha ha. An English band leader.

Neddie: Have a care, frog-eater, or I'll dig up Napoleon and clout his nut.

Bill (French): I apologise. I apologise for your disgusting behaviour.

Neddie: Merki.

Bill (French): Place your bets, please.

Horn: Thousand francs on red ten.

Ray: Two thousand francs on eleven.

Eccles: Tuppence on number three.

Bill (French): Monsieur, monsieur.

Eccles: What? (What?

Bill (French): Just this. (2)) We never take English money.

Eccles: Oh good, then I can't lose. I'll leave it on.

Neddie: Have you tried the other tables?

Eccles: Yep, and all the chairs. Have a nut? Have a banana?

Neddie: Get this idiot out of here. Get away.

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: (over) Ow ow ah!

Neddie: (over) Hai hai hai!

Eccles: Ow oww!

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: Oww oww! Not below the belt.

Bill (French): Now, any final bets?

Neddie: Ten francs on number one hundred.

Horn: There's no such number on the wheel.

Neddie: I'll take a chance. My second named is 'Madman'.

Eccles: That's my first name.

Neddie: Get out.

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: (over) Oh ow ow ow! Ow ow!

Horn: As the night wore on, I found myself at a table with Lord Seagoon opposite.

FX: Cards shuffled

Neddie: It was Poker. Poker with a vengeance. A table was surrounded by excited spectators. The bids were a million francs a time. I had raised them two million. I felt confident. I had the best Poker hand I'd ever had.

Horn: It all depended on one player to call. Finally he did.

Eccles: (pause) Snap!

Neddie: Snap?

Eccles: Yeah.

Neddie: You ragged idiot, we're playing Poker!

Eccles: Oh? Well, I'm winnin', ain't I?

Neddie: This man's impossible! I refuse to play at this table!

Horn: Ahh.

Eccles: Me too, where shall we go, fellas?

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: (over) Ah ooh oww oww! Ha ha ho!

Bill (French): Monsieur Eccles, Monsieur Eccles ...

Eccles: Oh.

Bill (French): The Managing Director of the casino insists that you leave.

Harry: (off) Yakakoo.

Bill (French): (Baloo. (1))

Eccles: Oh. The Managing Director throwin' me out. What an honour dat is.

Neddie: The ambulance is outside.

Eccles: Ambulance? I'm not sick.

Neddie: You will be, it's gonna run over you.

Eccles: What? You let me go, now, let me go.

Neddie: Get out, ahh.

FX: Slapstick

Neddie: (over) Yah ah ah ho!

Eccles: (over slapstick) Ow ow! Ow ow ow! Oww ooh. That's enough. Goin' all out there ...

Neddie: Thank heavens he's gone. He's won two million francs, and I'm ... (gulp) ... skint. Where's my speaking trumpet? Hello folks. (megaphone) Calling folks.

ORCHESTRA: Solo violin plays 'Hearts and Flowers'

Neddie: (over) Oh, I'm destitute, folks. No money, folks. Ruined, folks. Farewell, folks, and farewell cruel world, folks.

Horn: (over violin) Seagoon was ruined. He took the only way out.

Neddie: (over violin) The tradesmen's entrance, folks. I'll have a tune on Max Geldray's secret laundry list. Where's that corkscrew? (calls) Brandy!

GRAMS: Whoosh

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY plays 'Lady of Spain'

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music link

Bill: During that number a plot started to emerge. Lord Seagoon, impoverished, set out for Africa to seek his fortune. He was bound for the Upper Congo.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok's Theme

GRAMS: Loud buzzing flies

Bloodnok: (over) Ohhho. Ohhhhho. Ohhhhho. Oh. Oh dear. Silly place to have a pimple. Not a decent angle-mirror in the place. Come along, you flies, out you go, lads, out you go.

FX: Door opens, closes

GRAMS: Buzzing stops

Bloodnok: Good, good. Now I shall have a spoonful of the old curry powder. Puts power in your knees, you know. (swallows)

FX: 'Knocking knees' effect on temple blocks

GRAMS: Foghorn

Bloodnok: Ohh ohh ohh!

GRAMS: Foghorn

Bloodnok: Ohhhhhoho. It's a river-steamer. (And what a steamer! (3)) (calls) Singhiz! Singhiz Thingz.

Singhiz: What is it Major? What is perplexing you?

Bloodnok: A river boat has arrived.

Singhiz: Oh my.

Bloodnok: I must look my best. Lay out a fresh sock, will you. I'm not putting it on, just lay it out for show, will you?

Singhiz: Right.

Bloodnok: Gad, I haven't seen anyone from England for ten years.

Singhiz: Well, it's very difficult to see them such a long way away, you understand.

Bloodnok: (Silence, Singhiz, or I'll squirt curry powder up your loin-cloth. (1))

FX: Knocking on door

Singhiz: (off) Oh, my curry.

Bloodnok: Come in, come in.

FX: Door opens

Minnie: Good morning, sir. I ... I'm just off the river-steamer, from England.

Bloodnok: Gad, how strange. A white man.

Minnie: Eh? My name is Miss Minnie Bannister.

Bloodnok: Even stranger ... a white man called Miss Minnie Banister. What's happening back in England?

Minnie: (They're doing the (sings) Bulling ba-ping, pa dump a dum ...

Bloodnok & Minnie: (both sing) Dum da do dah, dup a dup a dup.

Minnie: It's all the rage, you know.

Bloodnok: What?

Minnie: What? (2)) Nothing's happening back in England.

Bloodnok: Well, there's progress for you. Come in, dear sir.

Minnie: Sir? I ... um ... um yohh. I'm a woman.

Bloodnok: Woman? Woman. That name strikes a chord, you know. Where's me old medical charts, now?

FX: Turning of paper sheets

Minnie: (over) What's he doing? What's ...

Bloodnok: 'A' ...

Minnie: ... he ... what's he ...

Bloodnok: ... 'B' ...

Minnie: ... doing? What's he looking at?

Bloodnok: Woman, woman.

Minnie: Eh?

Bloodnok: 'W-O-M-A' ... ah, here we are, yes, woman.

Minnie: Wha ... wha ... wha ...

Bloodnok: Woman is a ... (encouraged) Ohh. And ...ahh ... ohh ... ahh ... (lust) Aaahhhhhh!

Minnie: Ohhhohhoho!

Bloodnok: Ahhhhhohoho!

Minnie: Ohhhoho! Ohhh!

FX: Knocking on door

Bloodnok: It's those flies back again. I'm ... spitting tonight. (calls) Coming, lads.

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Good morning.

Bloodnok: You're not one of my flies.

Neddie: I'm not one of anyone's flies!

Bloodnok: So! An unemployed fly. Buzz off, sir, or I'll ...

Neddie: Wait, Major!

Bloodnok: ... squish your ... what?

Neddie: I need work. That's why I left England. I've just stepped off the boat.

Bloodnok: That's two of you off the river-boat. It was much bigger than I thought, you know. Sir, I was under the impression that it was a single-seater ocean liner.

Neddie: It was, but it had a large boot.

Bloodnok: So it walked here! (Well, see, our ships don't need Suez, I've always said that. (1)) Well, you just happen to be lucky. Allow me to change me voice and introduce myself as Harry Trader Horn.

Neddie: Well done.

Horn: How do you do? A rich client of mine um ... er, yum ...

Neddie: (megaphone) Hello folks, calling folks, calling folks. He told me a strange tale, folks. A rich client was sending an expedition into the interior, folks, and he wanted me to go along as an assistant hunter.

Horn: I want you to go along as an assistant ... hunter.

Neddie: Yes, I ... I've just told them that, you know.

Horn: Er, thank you.

Neddie: (megaphone) I ... he said 'thank you', folks.

Horn: Yes, I told the folks.

Neddie: (megaphone) Yeah, he said he told you, folks. Has he, folks?

GRAMS: Dozens of voices saying 'He has!', played very fast

Neddie: (megaphone) Thank you, folks. On with the story, folks. King Solomon's Mines, Part three, folks.

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music link

GRAMS: Market-place background crowd murmuring

Horn: (over crowd) Mr. Spriggs, have you checked the safari supplies?

Spriggs: Yes, Jim. Yes, Ji-im!

Horn: Right, Ji-hi-him!

Spriggs: Oh, Jim! An a ...

Moriarty: Ah ya aho.

Horn: Ohh.

Moriarty: Ahh, Mr. Trader Horn, mon ami ... mon ami. All ready to start the trek, eh? Ah ha ha ha.

Horn: (Ha ha ha ha.

Moriarty: Ha ha.

Horn: Ha ha ha ha.

Spriggs: Shut him up Jim. Ye.

Moriarty: Ha ha ha ha.

Horn: Are you er ...

Moriarty: Yah ha ha ha.

Horn: Are you quite sure you ...

Spriggs: Ya ba bim, ya ba bim. (2))

Horn: Are you quite sure you know where the King Solomon's Mines are?

Moriarty: Yes. In Africa.

Horn: Africa is a very big place.

Moriarty: Pardon?

Horn: Africa is very big place!

Moriarty: Then don't stand so close to me! Ah. Devil.

Horn: It's nothing to fear.

Moriarty: What?

Horn: I'm downwind.

Moriarty: Did you get that non-Trade-Union assistant?

Horn: I did. Allow me to introduce, under this steaming electric wig, Lord Seagoon.

Moriarty: You!

Neddie: You!

Horn: Me!

Neddie: Don't change the subject.

Horn: What?

Neddie: This man's a notorious international confidence trickster, by appointment to the Government.

Moriarty: Ahhowww! Aiyeeohhhh! How dare you insult a French Count like that, without payment of leather guineas.

Grytpype: Ah, Moriarty, now ...

Moriarty: What, what? Oww.

Grytpype: Put down those replicas of clenched fists.

Moriarty: Oww, oww.

Grytpype: (over) Neddie need have no fear, we are but the minions of a rich man who is financing this trip. Moriarty ...

Moriarty: Yep.

Grytpype: Time for your 'oww'.

Moriarty: Oww.

Grytpype: Splendid. It's the only cure for 'la grippe', you know.

Neddie: Ohh. Where is this rich man then? Speak up or I'll swallow this stuffed seagull.

Grytpype: He's nailed up in this wooden crate here.

FX: Tapping on crate

Grytpype: (over) Are you all right, sir?

Eccles: (muffled) Yep, fine, fine. I'm finished with the bottle.

Neddie: That's the famous Eccles!

Grytpype: You recognised him by his crate?

Neddie: You devils! You mean you've had him nailed up in this crate for the whole voyage?

Grytpype: Of course not, of course not. Half the time he was sealed in the barrel.

Eccles: (muffled) My turn!

Grytpype: Yes.

Neddie: Sealed in the barrel? How did he breathe?

Moriarty: He breathed through his nose. Ha! Ha!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

Moriarty: Hoi! Hoioww! You've got to keep 'em laughing, folks. We are after King Solomon's Mines.

Neddie: (megaphone) Hello folks, did you hear that, folks? We are hunting for King Solomon's Mines, folks. Forward into Africa, folks.

Moriarty: Aha ha ho!

ORCHESTRA: Jungle trek music link

GRAMS: Paddling in water, jungle drums and native chant

Bill: (over) For three days the expedition travelled upstream by river. For days they never saw an Albert Memorial. This was Africa at its most primitive. Some of the men got restless.

Cyril: 'Ere. How long we gonna be on this, er, river, sir, river lark then?

Neddie: two more days, Cyril, and then a month's march inland.

Cyril: A month? I gotta be away from home for a month?

Neddie: You're not worried, are you?

Cyril: 'Course I'm worried. My baby sitter charges two bob an hour.

Neddie: Well, couldn't your wife have done it?

Cyril: No, she charges three bob an hour.

Neddie; Well, it's worth it.

Cyril: Worth it? We 'aven't even got a baby. No, listen, I'm not stoppin' in Africa. I got ... I got three windows to dress. You've got to get me off this boat, I love Anne and June, I tell you, I ...

Neddie: Right. Hup!

GRAMS: Splash

Little Jim: He's fallen in the water.

Neddie: Hup!

Bloodnok: Seagoon ...

Neddie: Yes, next! Hup!

Bloodnok: (over) Sponner me thuns!

GRAMS: Splash

Bloodnok: What? Seagoon. Sponner me thuns, I saw you throw Little Jim into the water.

Neddie: Yes, I thought the change'd do him good, you know.

Bloodnok: I warn you, Seagoon, if Little Jim is not back for next week's catch phrase, I shall say it myself.

Neddie: Oh.

Bloodnok: Allow me to try. (ahem) He's fallen the water. Anum num num numda. No, it's no good, I ... I can't do it, I ...

Cyril: (off) Help! Help! I'm drownin' in non-kosher water. Help!

Bloodnok: Oh! Look, a crocodile, making straight for Cyril.

FX: Pistol shot

Neddie: Got him! Now to get the crocodile.

FX: Pistol shot

Neddie: You got him too! It looks like a very old crocodile.

Moriarty: Yes, he won the old croc's race to Brighton last year.

OMNES: Oho.

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

Moriarty: Keep 'em laughing, folks.

Bloodnok: I'll have a pair of real shoes out of him. Wait a moment - it's floating downstream towards Spriggs's boat.

Spriggs: (off) Yes. Yes, Jim. Yes, Ji-im!

Bloodnok: Got any rope?

Spriggs: (off) Yes, Jim.

Bloodnok: Then lasso that crocodile and give him a tow.

Spriggs: (off) Why should I? He's had two of mine already!

Bloodnok: No good. The pace is much too much. Ellington, play a cool toon on your foon. Brandy!

GRAMS: Many boots running away

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON sings 'Route 66'.

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music link

Bill: The river journey complete, the great safari formed up for the great trek inland. And the headman's name was 'Ginger'.

Bloodnok: I say, are you Ginger?

Ray: Yes, me ginger.

Bloodnok: Jolly good. I say, I must have my eyes tested, you know, I ...

Ray: Umba yeller, talaboot kala eemargoo ah yebazal gadula.

Bloodnok: Oh.

Neddie: 'Ave you tried wearin' ... 'ave you tried wearin' 'em back to front? Ha ha ha.

Bloodnok: Neddie, m ... careful, he's the headman, he says ...

Neddie: Oh.

Bloodnok: ... the expedition is ready to start inland.

Neddie: It's goin' to be a long march.

Bloodnok: Nonsense! It can't last more than thirty-one days, I have a friend with a calendar, you know.

Moriarty: Ah ye. Now listen, you two, owwowoww ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Grytpype tells me from here to our destination is four hundred miles.

Bloodnok: How far's that?

Moriarty: Well, it's a secret. Go on folks, lap it up. Now then ... this journey needs stamina.

Bloodnok: Seagoon ...

Neddie: Cheese stamina.

Moriarty: I ... stamina. I'll spell it. S-lamellalamine. Seagoon, how much ground could you cover in a day?

Neddie: I can cover ten square yards standing still.

Moriarty: At ...

Grytpype: I'm glad to hear that, Neddie.

Moriarty: Keep going at the back.

Grytpype: Now come, Moriarty. Horn, Trader Horn, born in Houndsditch, is waiting to carry us in his portable tree. We must get there as (fades) ..

Neddie: I don't trust Grytpype and Moriarty.

Bloodnok: And I don't trust Moriarty and Grytpype.

Neddie: Well, keep an eye on my two first, then we'll settle yours.

Bloodnok: Right.

Ray: Ah. (Oombala! Don't laugh, little one. (2)) Oombala, we go.

Neddie: Right. Help me get this crate on my head. (strains) Ooh ah ooh ooh ah. (sigh) (calls) You all right in there, Eccles?

Eccles: (muffled) Yep, fine, fine. Um ... ahooh ... tell me, is it, er, day or night?

Neddie: What's that up in the sky?

Bloodnok: The sun.

Neddie: It's day, Eccles.

Eccles: (muffled) Ta. Oh, dis is de life. Nailed up in a crate, being carried through Africa. Oh, a slice of bread any time I like. Oh, never had it so good, I tell you. Dis is living.

Neddie: (strain) Ahh. Don't get excited, Eccles, this crate leaks.

Bloodnok: Right. Forward ... into the interior.

Neddie: We might meet the decorators. Hello folks, did you get that, folks? Interior ... interior decorator. Ah ha ha. Aha. (ahem) Sorry, folks. (calls) Forward!

GRAMS: Many feet running away

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music link

FX: Thrashing through jungle growth

Neddie: (effort) Ah. Ah, we made slow progress. The jungle is very dense.

Bloodnok: So were we.

Neddie: By April the twenty-second, we had only reached February the first.

Spriggs: Hello, Jim. Hello, Jim. Where are we heading for? Where are we heading ... where are we heading ... where are we heading fo-or? Where are we heading for, Jim!

Neddie: Well done, chords. (burp) Pardon.

Spriggs: Oh dear.

Grytpype: I'll tell you, gentlemen, with the financial aid of Mr. Eccles and Moriarty's overdraft ...

Moriarty: Ow.

Grytpype: We are seeking King Solomon's Mines.

Spriggs: Solomon's Mines? (Are they rich?

Grytpype: With a name like Solomons? Do me a favour.

Spriggs: Ta, but there's a ... (3)) but the King Solomon's Mine is only a legend.

Grytpype: We know it's only a legend, we're determined to find it. Moriarty, you've got the map, show them, Moriarty. (pause) (calls) Moriarty! (normal) Where is that schnorrer? (calls) Moriarty? (off, calls) Moriarty? (calls) Moriarty? (way off, calls) Count Moriarty, where are you?

Neddie: It sounds as if he's gone.

Grytpype: Oh? And what sound does a person make when he's gone?

Neddie: This.

Grytpype: (pause) That's it. That's the sound he's making. So! The steaming eater of es-cargotts and snails ... has done the dirty on my dirty. I'll get him. Give me those dentist's pliers and that rusty razor-blade.

GRAMS: Whoosh

Neddie: He's gone and made the same sound. Where's my leather speaking-trumpet? (megaphone) Hello folks! Here we are all left to the general, folks, with no-one who will help, folks.

Bluebottle: I will help you, my good man. Ay. Enter a fresh lunatic.

Neddie: Just what England needs. Wait here while we go and trap Moriarty with this picture of 41-28-39.

Bluebottle: Oh.

Neddie: Right! (calls) Follow me, men!

GRAMS: Many feet running away; Neddie and others (pre-recorded) singing 'Give me some men who are stout-hearted men, who will fight for the right to be free. Give me some men who are stout-hearted men, who will fight for the right to be free. (etc.)' at normal speed then gradually speed increased to very fast, fades)

Bluebottle: Ohh. Dey've gone and left-ed me. Ah well. Like all good boy scouts I will play with my elastic. Stretch (effort) stretch.

FX: Elastic snap

Bluebottle: (pain) Aighh! My nut!

Eccles: (off, calls) Keep ... keep quiet out dere! Dere's people in dis crate tryin' to get some sleep.

Bluebottle: Is dat you in dere, Eccles?

Eccles: (off) Yeah, dat's me in dere, Eccles.

Bluebottle: Is it dark in dat crate, Eccles?

Eccles; I'll strike a match and see. (pause) Oh no! It was a moment ago, though.

Bluebottle: Oh. Good, 'cause I want to take a photo of you for the 'Beautiful Body' contest in the Finchley Nature mag.

Eccles: (off) Oh. Ohhohohow, ahahahahoo! So, I'll take my clothes off.

Bluebottle: OK. Ready?

Eccles: (off) Yeah, ready. Ooh, dese splinters.

Bluebottle: Are you ... are you smilin', Eccles?

Eccles: (off) Yep.

Bluebottle: Dere! I took dere, Eccles. Which way was you facin'?

FX: Tapping on crate

Eccles: (over, off) I was on ... facin' dis side.

Bluebottle: (disappointed) Oh, you had your back to me. Dat's ruined da photo now.

Moriarty: (off) Let me go!

Neddie: (approaching) Come on, you devils, we got 'em. Yahohohohoohh! (megaphone) Hello folks, hello folks! It was all a hairy plot, folks. Moriarty ran away, and Grytpype had arranged to make it look like he knew nothing about it, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Sort it out for yourselves, folks.

Grytpype: If it weren't for those speeded up recordings of running you'd never have caught us, I tell you.

Neddie: Now release Eccles.

Bloodnok: (effort) Ah.

FX: Loosening nails, movement of wood

Neddie: (over) Hurry up, we're getting near the end of the show.

Bloodnok: Out you come, Eccles. Eccles! What are you doing in the nude?

Eccles: I was ... I was posin' for da nature ... nature photograph.

Bloodnok: You're the wrong shape, lad. You need advice ...

Neddie: Now, you fiends, into the crate with you.

FX: Hammering on wood

Grytpype: (over) Ah ow.

Moriarty: Oww.

Neddie: Ah.

Moriarty: Oww ow ow ba boww.

Neddie: (over) There, and in there you'll stay. Bloodnok, throw 'em on the boat.

Bloodnok: (effort) Eeyeh!

GRAMS: Splash

Bloodnok: Missed! Curse! Worse still, if Little Jim'd have been here he could have said ...

Little Jim: He's fallen in the water.

Bloodnok: He could've said that.

Neddie: Now, my dear friends, the rich Eccles, my pal, my dear old rich mate. Where's that silly old two million francs, eh? Ha ha ha.

Eccles: It was ... er ... all in dat crate.

Neddie: Curse! An unhappy ending, folks.

Bloodnok: (off) Not for me it isn't. Ahhow!

GRAMS: Splash

Neddie: (off) It's all yours, Bill. Ha ha ha.

Bill: It's all in the mind, you know.

FX: Slapstick

ORCHESTRA: 'Lucky Strike'

Bill: (over) That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme, featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Roy Speer.

ORCHESTRA: (playout (2))

(1) In UK original; not in TS original, not in TS re-issue

(2) In UK original, in TS original; not in TS re-issue

(3) In UK original, in TS re-issue; not in TS original