THE THING ON THE MOUNTAIN
Series 8, number 15Transcribed from the Transcription Services Series version.
Greenslade: This is the BBC.
Seagoon: I do not wish to know that! Kindly leave the country. ????????? was a coward.
Greenslade: Listen. How dare you interrupt me while I am providing vital information to the
ignorant masses.
Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
Greenslade: And speaking of ignorant masses, how are you, Seagoon?
Seagoon: (chicken sounds)
F.X.: (sound of iron bar hitting head)
Greenslade: Or, in plain English, the all-leather Goon Show.
Orch: (trumpet fanfare)
Greenslade: We present, based on an original wall-paper by J. Philpott-Brim and adapted for
washing machine by Sir Peers Bladdock, the story of …
Milligan: (in a quivering voice) .. the Thing on the Mountain. Oooh.
Orch: (trumpet calls, followed by chords)
"Sexy" voice: Our story opens at the bottom of the great Mount Snowdon in the little village of
Llandehoy (?? Spelling – my Welsh is non-existent). Here, one bitter night, in the village hall, the choral society was engaged in that most famous of Welsh past-times.
F.X.: (sound of drink being poured into a glass)
Omnes: (unintelligible ramblings)
Voice: Mr. Worshipful Mayor, permission to speak.
Mayor: Yes.
Voice: (Welsh words?) passed by (more Welsh words?), boy.
Mayor: Oh dear, dear, dear, dear.
Voice: Cheer up, Dai the Bread. Have another glass of leek tea.
Mayor: Oh, no more for me, boy. It’ll keep me awake all the night, you know.
"Sexy" voice: All of a sudden, running down the mountain, came a wild-eyed, terror-stricken
mad-man.
F.X.: (sound of running feet approaching, and Seagoon’s voice "aaaaaaaaaagh")
"Sexy" voice: .. he said. I recognized the voice. It was me.
Spriggs: Ah, listen, Jim. (sings) Listen, Jim. What was that, Jim?
F.X.: (door bursts open)
Another voice: Ah, boy, boy. I’m sorry. It was terrible. Aw, it was a terrible thing.
Look you! Ooooh, ooooh. (falls to the ground)
Mayor: It’s Dai the Hair.
Spriggs: Quick, force this iced tea between his teeth.
Mayor: What’s happened, Dai, bach (pronounced "bark").
Dai the Hair: Oh, bach, I was up the mountain doing a bit of courting …
Mayor: Courting on the mountain? That’s no place to take a girl, man.
Dai the Hair: Oh, I haven’t got a girl.
Mayor: Then why did you go up by yourself, then?
Dai the Hair: Well, I didn’t want to be up there alone, you see.
Milligan: He’s got a head on his shoulders, you know.
Mayor: Ah, pity it’s facing the wrong way, isn’t it?
Dai the Hair: And suddenly, through the mist and the snow, I saw this terrible thing walking
towards me ..
Mayor: Go on, bach.
Dai the Hair: Then it gave a terrible cry.
Mayor: Did it, bach?
Dai the Hair: No, it didn’t bark, it sort of ‘owled. It went (chicken-like sounds), psssst.
Mayor: Boys, as Mayor of Llandehoy, and President of the singing and burial club, I say
we must get rid of this monster.
Dai the Hair: Right, Dai the short arm (?hand). I’ll take down this poster.
Throat: Right.
F.X.: (ripping sound)
Mayor: Put up another one saying "Five pounds reward for the capture of the Snowdon
monster".
Throat: Right.
Seagoon: I’ve called about your poster.
Mayor: How did you know about it?
Seagoon: I was listening to your program.
Mayor: This program is a recording.
Seagoon: I was listening to it on my gramophone. Hup.
Orch: (chords)
Spriggs: Oooh. What are your qualifications for mountain-climbing, Jim? (sings) What
are your qualifications … (fades) .. Oooh, that hurts, Jim!
Seagoon: Gentlemen, I hold a gold medal for fish scaling, I was the first man to ski across
the Albert Memorial, I wear size 9 boots, and my grandmother keeps a duck farm in Kent.
Spriggs: Oooh. The very man!
Orch: (chords)
Greenslade: Meanwhile, not far away, in a small Welsh pig sty, it is feeding time.
F.X.: (pig feeding sounds)
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty! Manners, manners!
Moriarty: Ah, but the food, the food, Grytpype. The food … (fades) Owww.
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, don’t you know when eating pig swill out of a trough, always
take your hat off.
Moriarty: Owww (etc).
Grytpype-Thynne: Don’t point your "owww" at me, you fool! It might be loaded.
Moriarty: But, Grytpype, these tiny little pigs, they keep biting me. I don’t look like a pig.. I
don’t sound like a pig ..I’m not a pig.
Grytpype-Thynne: There are other means of identifying a pig, you know. Now, pass the
finger bowl, would you? (pause) You greedy swine, you’ve eaten the last finger!
Moriarty: Aaagh.
Seagoon: I’d climb the hairy mountain for you, I’d fight the very trousers .. oops! I didn’t
know you were having dinner.
Grytpype-Thynne: Well, that’s quite alright, my dear sir. Would you care to join us? Pull up
a pig.
Seagoon: Thank you. My host was impeccably turned out in a stove-pipe hat, and a dark
grey stove.
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, that’s where I keep my dinner. And this bucket of pig swill contains
the head of none other than Count Jim "Steam" (Moriarty - phssssh) Moriarty, inventor of the brown boot and first man to go three weeks without stopping.
Moriarty: Owww. Je suis tres charming. Phsssht-tooo.
Grytpype-Thynne: Tell me, little round sir. What are you doing here?
Seagoon: Nothing.
Grytpype-Thynne: Good, good, it’s not our style, you know.
Seagoon: Well, actually, I’m going to climb Snowdon to capture the monster for the reward.
Moriarty: Aaagh. Reward!. Ah, money, moolah, …
Grytpype-Thynne: Quiet, you rotting heap! I’ll do the talking.
Moriarty: And I’ll do the steaming. I’m wearing the sock. Phsssht-tooo.
Grytpype-Thynne: Now, what you need, Neddie, is our "Snowmaster" complete
mountaineering kit for only fifty shillings, marked down to three pounds.
Seagoon: I’ll take it.
F.X.: (cash register)
Grytpype-Thynne: I thank you. I thank you. Now, Neddie, all you need to climb Snowdon is
a long ladder.
Seagoon: Of course. Where is it?
Grytpype-Thynne: On the fire engine.
Seagoon: How do I get the fire engine?
Grytpype-Thynne: You start a fire. Here then is the "Snowmaster" mountaineering kit – one
box of matches. Right, Moriarty, shall we go?
Seagoon: Why has he run away?
Grytpype-Thynne: Because, lad, here comes Max "Barefoot" Geldray to play his hot
underwear.
(Geldray and orchestra)
Greenslade: Now, if any listener would care to tie a vintage haddock to the third finger of his
left hand, and swing it round his head, he’ll be able to hear The Thing on the Mountain, part 2.
Orch: (trumpet chords)
Orch: (chords)
Welsh announcer: Equipped with his mountaineering kit of one box of matches, Seagoon
began to search the lower slopes of Snowdon.
Seagoon: Yes, folks! Yes, folks! I was looking for a place to set fire to. Suddenly, I saw
before me a small ragged tent made from sacking. Inside was a heap of rags and old clothes. Hello, folks! The very thing! Pardon me.
F.X.: (sound of match being struck)
Seagoon: Ahaha, what a lovely blaze!
Bloodnok: Owwwwwww! Look at me trousers! Oh! Oh!
Seagoon: Hello, folks! A smoking figure rushed past me and hurriedly sat down in a bucket
of water.
F.X.: (sound of steam hissing)
Bloodnok: Oh, that’s better!
Seagoon: I didn’t realize that these old clothes were alive.
Bloodnok: So you set fire to my trousers! You.. you.. you.. you dangerous military clown,
you! You might have ruined my chances of the All-England leg final.
Seagoon: But, wait! You’re Major Bloodnok. Ahaha, you remember me.
Bloodnok: Do I?
Seagoon: Of course, I’m the man who set fire to your trousers.
Bloodnok: Gad, yes. I knew we’d met before.
Seagoon: Aha.
Bloodnok: Yes, I’ve come to Snowdon for the skiing [pronounced as ‘sk…’], you know.
Seagoon: You mean "skiing" [pronounced as "sh…"] ?
Bloodnok: Yes, that as well.
Eccles: (mumbles) .. I got dat .. (mumbles). Oh, hullo!
Seagoon: Who’s this?
Bloodnok: It’s alright. He .. he comes here every day for a swim.
Seagoon: Yes, but there’s no water here.
Eccles: That’s okay, I can’t swim. I .. I never had a chance to learn.
Seagoon: Why not?
Eccles: Well, there’s no water here. You can’t swim without water, man. Who is this
idiot?
Bloodnok: You.
Eccles: Oooh.
Seagoon: Thank you, (undecypherable). I’m the man who is going to climb Snowdon and
capture the monster.
Bloodnok: What?
Eccles: What?
Bloodnok: Then you’re talking to the right man.
Seagoon: Who?
Bloodnok: Me.
Eccles: Me.
Bloodnok: Haven’t you seen my nameplate? I’ll show you.
Seagoon: So saying, he bent down. The brass plate on the seat of his hat said "Major
Bloodnok, mountaineering expert". To prove it, here is a brass plate reading it.
Greenslade: "Major Bloodnok, mountaineering expert", and I should like to point out that the
part of the brass nameplate was played by …
Seagoon: Shut up!
Bloodnok: For a small fee of every penny you possess, I can get you up to the top of
Snowdon in 2 seconds with my giant "spon" catapult.
Seagoon: Done!
F.X.: (cash register)
Bloodnok: I thank you. This way.
Seagoon: He led me to where fifty pairs of braces were tied together between two trees.
Bloodnok: Right, Eccles, help me pull these braces back.
F.X.: (straining sounds)
Bloodnok: Alright, Neddie? Neddie, lean back. Now, Eccles, let go!
F.X.: (sproing, then whistling through the air, then crash)
Seagoon: Aaaaagh! Ow! Now, where’s my speaking trumpet? (sound of speaking trumpet
landing on Seagoon’s head) Aaagh! Here it is. Hello, folks. Calling those kindly folks. Well, here I am, folks, on top of Snowdon, folks. Acting now .. ohohoho, what’s this? The monster, the Thing on the Mountain?
Attendent (sounds like Crun with a Lancashire accent!):
Silly! North Country mountain? This is the top of Blackpool Tower!
Seagoon: Curses, foiled by double-strength braces!
Attendent: Can I see your ticket?
Seagoon: I haven’t got one.
Attendent: You can’t come up Blackpool Tower wi’out a ticket.
Seagoon: Well, where can I buy one?
Attendent: At the bottom.
Seagoon: I’ll go down and get one.
Attendent: You can’t go down wi’out a ticket.
Seagoon: What am I supposed to do, jump off?
Attendent: You can’t jump off wi’out a ticket.
Seagoon: Oh, folks, trapped on the top of Blackpool Tower.
Attendent: .. wi’out a ticket.
Seagoon: Yes, without a ticket.
Attendent: (unintelligible)
Moriarty: Pssst! Neddie, little Neddie!
Seagoon: The voice came from a rope ladder suspended from a horse-hair Zeppelin above
me.
Moriarty: Owww. Climb aboard, Neddie.
Greenslade: With light heart and heavy trousers, Seagoon climbed aboard and soon the mighty
Zeppelin was speeding towards the Welsh coast.
Moriarty: All fares, please. All fares. I thank you. Any more fares? Lor, love a duck, mate.
Cor blimey. All fares, mate.
Seagoon: Top of Snowdon, please.
Moriarty: Are you under 14?
Seagoon: Yes, I’m 13 stone 8.
Moriarty: Ninepence, please.
F.X.: (cash register)
Seagoon: Ninepence? I haven’t got any money.
Grytpype-Thynne: Sorry, Neddie. Then you’re in the wrong compartment. Non-paying
passengers through that door.
Seagoon: Right.
F.X.: (door opens)
Seagoon: Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! (ends in splash)
Little Jim: He’s fallen in the water.
Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you, Little Jim! Now, get back in the barrel and make room for Ray
"Bones" Ellington and his melody minstrels.
(Ellington and quartet – "Long black nylons..")
Orch: (chords)
Welsh announcer: And so, the snow and the blizzards on Snowdon grew worse, and every
night the terror-stricken villagers padlocked their wives as they heard the distant cry of the Thing on the Mountain.
Orch: (trumpet chords)
F.X.: (sound of gales)
Seagoon: Hello, folks. How can I reach the summit of the dreaded Snowdon, and capture
the five pound monster?
Greenslade: Mister Seagoon, …
Seagoon: How can I possibly climb this impregnable mass of rock and snow?
Greenslade: Mister Seagoon, why don’t you go by train?
Seagoon: Train?
Greenslade: Yes, there’s a mountain railway that runs up Snowdon.
Seagoon: What! But how will I get back?
Greenslade: The train runs down again.
Seagoon: Aha, gad. Saved by steam!
Orch: (chords)
Chinese voice: So, Neddie a-Seagoon went to little railway station at foot of honourable
foot of a-mountain. Oh, boy!
Willium: What do you want, then, bach? Look you, mate.
Seagoon: Third return to the top of Snowdon.
Willium: Right-oh, bach, mate.
Seagoon: What time’s the next train?
Willium: Three fifteen April.
Seagoon: What? It’s only ten past one January!
Willium: We can’t run trains up in January, mate. There’s blizzards and nine feet of snow
up there. You’ll have to wait ‘til April.
Welsh announcer: And so, Seagoon waited until April when there were blizzards and eleven
feet of snow.
F.X.: (steam hissing)
Railway announcer (Greenslade):
The train now standing on the platform is for the top of Snowdon, calling at a
quarter of the way up, half way up, and three quarters of the way up.
Seagoon: Hooray! My train at last!
F.X.: (door closes)
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, have you got the bomb?
Moriarty: Sapristi, gadabagoza! Yes, the bomb. Yes.
Grytpype-Thynne: Then slip it into the tender with the coal.
Moriarty: Owwww.
F.X.: (train whistle)
Willium: All aboard!
F.X.: (train whistle, then train chugs off)
Greenslade: And so, as the train chugs slowly up the side of the mountain, we find in the
engine, the driver and fireman hard at work.
F.X.: (train whistle)
Eccles: Oooh, this is living!
Bluebottle: Do you know something, my good man?
Eccles: Oooh, oooh.
Bluebottle: I have always wanted to be an engine driver.
Eccles: Oooh, oooh. And I’ve always wanted to be the village idiot.
Bluebottle: Then we’ve both succeeded!
Eccles: Ow, no, ow-wow. I’m not the village idiot.
Bluebottle: No?
Eccles: No, but when he retires, my name’s top of the list.
Bluebottle: He he.
Eccles: Oh, this is living. I love it.
F.X.: (chugs slowing down)
Bluebottle: Here, we’re stopping! You stupid nit, my good man, Eccles! Hahaha, the fire’s
going out!
Eccles: Oooh, I’ll put some more coal on. (shovels and sings) Oh, ho ho, oh.
Bluebottle: What?
Eccles: Ooh, oho. Here, this is a funny-looking piece of coal. It says B-O-M-B (gurgled
pronunciation)
Bluebottle: B-O-M-B? That stands for Best Ordinary Mixed Black. It’s special strong coal.
Eccles: Oh, good. I’ll throw it on the fire.
F.X.: (chugs, then explosion, then train races)
Eccles: You were right! That coal was strong! Oh, yeah.
F.X.: (sound of crash)
Eccles: All change!
F.X.: (hissing of steam)
Seagoon: That’s all right, folks. We’re all ready. Hello, folks. Now to capture the …
Wait, wait. Oh, what’s that?
Welsh announcer: At the top of the mountain, half buried in the snow, was a wooden shack
labelled "Teas. Hot meals all day."
Min: (mumbling) .. naughty black nylon stockings …
Min and Crun: ("sinful" singing)
Crun: Min, Min, Min! Min, Min, modern Min! Modern Min! It’s the elephants’
feeding time!
Min: Toooo!
Crun: Go out the window and call them in.
Min: Buddy, where’s my bugle?
Crun: It’s in the bed.
Min: Oh, yes, I’ll go and call the elephants in.
F.X.: (door opens, followed by sound of gales)
Crun: Now, we should be getting some more customers soon. I’d better lay the table.
Now, let’s see. Herbal salt, dandelion pepper, er hmmm, Indian brandy, senapod vinegar, …
F.X.: (door opens, gales, door closes)
Seagoon: Good evening.
Crun: Oooh, here’s the menu.
Seagoon: Let me see, now. Pshshtooo. Elephants’ eggs, elephants’ eggs, elephants’ eggs,
elephants’ eggs, elephants’ eggs, elephants’ eggs. Hmmm. Um. I think I’ll have some elephants’ eggs.
Crun: Elephants’ eggs are off, sir. They’ve gone off … pong!
Seagoon: What about some Pshshtooo?
Crun: They’re not laying, you know.
Seagoon: Elephants not laying?
Crun: No, they’ve not laid since we bought them, you know.
Seagoon: Oh, very well. I’ll have …
Orch: (trumpet sounds)
Seagoon: Listen! The monster! I must go to catch it at once!
F.X.: (door opens, gales, door closes)
Crun: What’s he talking about.. the monster?
F.X.: (door opens, gales)
Min: Oh, oh, dear. It’s the cost (?) of a knee out there, you know.
Crun: Come on in, all of you.
Min: Thank you, Henry. I’ve got the dreaded pong thing on my legs. Come on, you
naughty elephants.
F.X.: (chicken sounds)
Min: Come on!
F.X.: (door opens, gales, door closes)
Seagoon: Curses! I was too late!
Min: Don’t tread on the elephants!
F.X.: (chicken sounds)
Seagoon: Elephants? These are chickens.
Crun: No wonder they wouldn’t lay!
Min:L Oooh.
Crun: Curse, then! Curse, then! There, did you catch the modern monster?
Seagoon: No, it was modern gone. But I found some huge footprints and I followed them
back here.
Min: Oh! Oh!
Crun: Pow! Pow!
Seagoon: Stop "pshshtoooing" at once! The monster is hiding … (laughs)… the monster is
hiding somewhere in this building.
Crun: Then we must search for it.
F.X.: (door opens)
Seagoon: Not in here.
F.X.: (door opens)
Min: Not in here.
F.X.: (door opens)
Crun: Ah, not in here.
Seagoon: Not under there.
Min: Thank heavens for that. He’s not in here.
Crun: Not in here.
F.X.: (several more "not in here"s, speeded up)
Greenslade: Where is the Snowdon monster? Personally, I think it is all I the mind, you know.
Orch: (roll-out music)
Announcer: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry
Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Larry Stephens and Maurice Wiltshire. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Tom Ronald.
Orchestra: (music playout).