The Goon Show: The Great String Robberies

The Great String Robberies

First broadcast on January 13, 1958

Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

The Characters

Mr Henry Crun	Peter Sellers
Miss Minnie Bannister	Spike Milligan
Inspector Neddie Seagoon	Harry Secombe
Grytpype-Thynne	Peter Sellers
Major Denis Bloodnok	Peter Sellers
Eccles	Spike Milligan
Moriarty	Spike Milligan
Timmy Bluebottle	Peter Sellers
Constable Mate	Peter Sellers
Singhiz Lalkaka	Spike Milligan
Spriggs	Spike Milligan
Flutt	Spike Milligan
Mr. Banajee	Peter Sellers
George	George Chisholm (special guest)

WALLACE

This is the BBC Home Service. Ladies and gentlemen, by the power of electricity and microphone placed in the proximity of the protagonists, we present an all wireless show, with a brandy base.

GRAM1S

COMMERCIAL DISC (OLD) JACK HYLTON. FADE A WAY

HARRY

That music should give you a clue to the financial position of the BBC’s Music Department.

SPIKE

(angry) One moment, Mr Secombe, you can’t attack the Corporation from the back.

HARRY

Can’t I? Bend down!

SLAPSTICK

HARRY

Right in his old lunch. Now read the name of the play.

WALLACE

We present ‘The Great String Robberies’.

ORCHESTRA

DRAMATIC THEME (NOT BLARING -- MYSTERIOUS)

PETER

The string robberies started very simply with a man saying -

MORIARTY

My socks keep coming down.

THYNNE

Oh? Say ‘Ahh’.

MORIARTY

Ahhhhhh.

THYNNE

Gad, you’ve got hoar-frost on the ankle.

MORIARTY

Is that dangerous?

THYNNE

If it kills you, yes.

MORIARTY

Owwwwww owwwwww!

THYNNE

Owwwwing won’t help.

MORIARTY

I’m dying. I must get elastic for my socks.

THYNNE

No, there’s a waiting list for that. We must try and obtain a certain amount of cheap string.

MORIARTY

What do I do till then?

THYNNE

For the time being you keep your socks up with the famous Eccles method.

MORIARTY

What’s that?

THYNNE

Stand on your head -

TEMPLE BLOCK

THYNNE

There. Now put these skates under your head, and off you go.

GRAMS

ROLLER SKATING ON PAVEMENTS OR WOOD, WHICHEVER SOUNDS BEST

MORIARTY

(yells)

ORCHESTRA

THREE DRAMATIC CHORDS ... SOFT

NED

(megaphone) Hello folks! Three days later, I was called from Scotland Yard to Scotland. At Edinburgh Station I was met by a platform.

GRAMS

TRAIN STANDING IN THE STATION WHISTLES & GIVES OFF A GREAT FAST JET OF STEAM

PETER

(Flowerdew) Screeammm! Ohh, there should be a law against trains letting off steam when people are wearing kilts.

NED

Excuse me, porter. I’m a stranger here, could you tell me the way to walk?

PETER

(all sad) Aye. You see yon ticket barrier? Well, head for that.

NED

Thank you.

GEORGE

Inspector Seagoon?

NED

The voice came from underneath a red navy kilt.

GEORGE

Aye. I’m a ventriloquist I throw ma voice, sometimes from ma knee, sometimes from ma shin and sometimes (pinch nose) from ma nose.

NED

(pinching nose) Jolly good. Now, where’s the scene of the crime?

GEORGE

I’ll take you there. Here, hold this steering wheel and make this noise: Brbbbrrrbbb (motor car).

NED

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (Both fade off)

(Cross Fade)

NED & GEORGE

(approaching) Brrrrrrrrrr.

GEORGE

This is the hoose.

PETER

Aye, welcome to the scene of the crime.

NED

Er ... where’s the front door?

PETER

In this brown paper parcel.

UNWRAPPING OF PAPER

PETER

We only use it for going in and out. Aaaah - there.

DOOR OPENS

PETER

The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or windows everything else was locked.

NED

Right. Now, who was killed?

PETER

No one’s been killed.

NED

Then this is a job for the police.

PETER

You are a policeman.

NED

Yes; I wasted no time getting here. Hands up, you’re all under arrest.

PETER

We’ve done nutting.

NED

Wasting my time, eh? What are you hiding? Come on, out with it.

PETER

Not in this weather, surr!

DOOR OPENS

WALLACE

‘The String Robberies’, Part Two.

DOOR CLOSES

NED

Part Two? That’s us!!

PETER

You see that piece of string on the table?

NED

Yes, what’s that space in the middle?

PETER

That’s the piece that’s missing.

NED

So that’s what a piece of missing string looks like. Where’s it gone? Ahh, but wait, can’t you see, poor Scottish fools, it’s all a practical joke! Someone’s cut that string in the centre, and pulled the two pieces in opposite directions, giving the impression that a piece has been removed from the middle.

PETER

Hairy Gringlers - he’s right! If you put these two pieces together, the gap disappears.

GEORGE

Aye, but did you notice when you did that the two outside ends got shorter?

NED

Gad, yes - that’s it. Now I see what happened. What cunning! The criminal cut a piece off each end, then cut across the middle, and pulled them apart, making the string look the original length.

PETER

Oh, dear - this makes it a baffling case.

NED

Yes, instead of one piece, we’re looking for two separate ends. It’s a good job I can count. We must start investigations.

ORCHESTRA

LINK

WALLACE

(distorted pre-recording) Finally, here is a police message. Will all people in possession of two pieces of string please report to their local police station. Now, Sport. The boxing match between the Irish and Italian Football teams has been cancelled as ... (fades himself,).

CRUN

Oh dear ... oh dearrr. (Calls) Min?? Min??

MINNIE

Yes?

CRUN

Hurry up - I’m next.

MINNIE

(off) I haven’t finished yet.

CRUN

Oh, that sinful woman, always at the cigarette-rolling machine.

MINNIE

Got a match, Henery?

CRUN

(goes into heart attack) Ohhh grarph!!! You vixen, not satisfied with making your own fags, now you want to smoke them!

MINNIE

Ah, hut this is herbal tobacco made from wild dandelions.

CRUN

Well, don’t you leave any in my bedroom. Our water rates are high enough as it is, Mm.

MINNIE

Henery, how do you like my new frock?

CRUN

(horrors) Min, Min ... Where did you get that sack dress?

MINNIE

I got if off the coalman.

CRUN

You mean he’s walking around naked?

MINNIE

Yes, that’s why his prices are so high.

CRUN

I’ll talk to you about this later, Miss Bannister. Right now, we go to the police station about string!

MINNIE

No, Henery, you’re not allowed out - so you sit by the fire and I’ll drive the house there.

GRAMS

OLD CAR BANGING & HONKING AWAY INTO DISTANCE. YELLS & SCREAMS FROM BOTH

WALLACE

As the house drives away, we arrive at ‘The String Robberies’, Part three.

NED

(megaphone) Hello folks, calling all folks! Three weeks, and still no nearer solving the crime. I think I’ll have a bath.

SANDPAPERING SOUND. LOUD HEAVY COARSE SANDPAPER

NED

Ah, there’s nothing like a bit of sandpaper for bringing the old knees up white.

MATE

Errr, pardon me, Inspector.

NED

Constable Mate, how dare you creep in here when my shins are exposed.

MATE

Sorry, I won’t look, Inspector. Any case, I’m a married man with shins of me own.

NED

(impatient) Constable, state your business.

MATE

I’m a polistman.

NED

I know. What do you want?

MATE

Well, dere’s an ‘ouse outside to see you.

NED

House? Male or female?

MATE

I couldn’t tell, it had the blinds drawn, mate.

NED

I must go and inspect it. Meantime, Max Geldray will show what fun can be had with an ordinary pair of woollen drawers and a pair of thin legs. Brandy!

MAX & ORCHESTRA

MUSIC

ORCHESTRA

FEW RETURN-TO-STORY CHORDS

KNOCKING ON DOOR FROM OUT OF MUSIC. DOOR OPENS

NED

Good morning. I was told that this house wanted to see me.

CRUN

Ah sir, we have come to hand in our three pieces of string.

NED

Must be some mistake, we only wanted people with two pieces.

CRUN

Oh, then I’ll throw one piece away.

NED

Good, now you’re a suspect! (Aside) Hello folks, I wonder - could this aged man be the string thief?

CRUN

No sir.

NED

Shhh - not so loud - he might hear.

MINNIE

Put your fingers in your ears, Henery.

CRUN

Oh, all right.

(pause)

NED

… the robberies been done …

(pause)

NED

… never will be a sol …

(pause)

MINNIE

…there was much of a …

(pause)

MINNIE

… and comes home roaring …

NED

What I ... it cou ... can’t ge ... (continues to ad lib behind .--)

WALLACE

Dear listeners, this disjointed conversation is being caused by Mr Crun moving his fingers in and out of his ears, thereby causing an intermittent break in sound.

CRUN

It’s all in my mind, you know.

NED

By your shape it looks as if it’s all in your trousers.

CRUN

Steady, sir, I may be seventy-nine but I have the strength of a man of ninety-two.

NED

Mr Crun, I must warn you to keep the peace.

CRUN

What piece? Don’t worry about us keeping the peace, tell that Foster Dulles idiot.

MINNIE

Come, Henery, before he endorses your provisional dandruff licence.

GRAMS

CAR DRIVES AWAY AS BEFORE. BANGS ETC. MINNIE AND CRUN (PRE-RECORDED) SINGING. FADE

NED

Constable! Follow that house

GRAMS

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. OVER THEM, MATE’S VOICE (PRE-RECORDED) ‘COME BACK HOUSE - I ARREST YOU IN THE NAME OF THE LAW’

NED

Throw a cordon round England - no one must leave the island!

ORCHESTRA

THREE SHORT CHORDS. DRAMATIC - NOT TOO LOUD

WALLACE

‘The String Robberies’, Part Thrune. The Scene -the Cliffs of Dover.

GRAMS

SEAGULLS

MORIARTY

Grytpype, they’ve spotted us.

THYNNE

It’ll brush off.

MORIARTY

In the paper it says there is a nation-wide search for people with two pieces of string.

THYNNE

We must leave England! Bring the brown paper pudding, and follow me. Hup!

GRAMS

SPLASH SPLASH

THYNNE

I suspected it, Moriarty, I suspected it all the time; the English Channel’s made entirely of water.

MORIARTY

Oh, what luck - I’ll put some in a bottle in case we get thirsty.

THYNNE

Head for the French coast.

MORIARTY

My feet can touch bottom.

THYNNE

You must be deformed.

MORIARTY

I can’t seem to get away from the shore. (Struggles)

THYNNE

Neither can I - England must be swimming after us. Here, swallow these condition powders.

BOTH

(Gulp)

GRAMS

BURST OF A MOTOR BOAT GOING AWAY AT SPEED PLUS SCREAMS OF GRYTPYPE-THYNNE AND MORIARTY

THYNNE

Hold on, Moriarty.

MORIARTY

Oooh, the power at last, the power!

THYNNE

Keep it aft.

WALLACE

Meantime, a hundred miles away, Seagoon springs from a foreign bed.

NED

Hup!

DOINGG. DUCK CALL

NED

Aaahhh! As I jumped out of bed I thought I heard two splashes.

SPRIGGS

Are your feet wet? Are your feet wet, Jiimmmmm?

NED

Yes, I’ve been sleeping with damp socks on.

SPRIGGS

Can’t you afford a clothes-line, Jim?

NED

Yes, but I find a bed more comfortable.

SPRIGGS

Oh Jim, we must take action, Jiimmmmm.

NED

Right, Jiimmmmm, send a signal to -

GRAMS

NAVAL MORSE CODE ELECTRONIC SIGNAL, HIGH-PITCHED

NED

All coast guards, especially those on the coast, arrest the owners of those splashes.

ORCHESTRA

BLOODNOK LINK

GRAMS

GREAT HEAVY WAVES POUNDING THE SHORE. PEBBLES BEING HURLED UP AND DOWN BEACH. WIND HOWLING

BLOODNOK

Ohhhh ... Hhhhh ... Ohhhh ... I’ve never had it as bad as this. Oh, the wind must be forty knots. I hope we don’t have to launch the lifeboat tonight. Just in case they ask me I’ll just put one arm in a sling, and lie down in a mock faint.

KNOCK ON DOOR

BLOODNOK

Who’s that? Only a lunatic would be out in such a storm.

DOOR OPENS

BLOODNOK

Yes?

ECCLES

(ahem) Good King Wenceslas looked out on der feast of Stephen, when the snow lay all about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon dat night tho’ the frost was cruel, when an old man came in sight, gathering winter feeeeeuuuuuulllll.

GRAMS

PRE-RECORD ECCLES ABOUT SIX TIMES TO GIVE THE EFFECT OF AN ECCLES CHOIR. IN THE STUDIO SPIKE SINGS LIVE TO ADD THE EFFECT OF DEPTH

BLOODNOK

Thank you

DOOR SLAMS. KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS

BLOODNOK

Yes?

ECCLES

Merry Christmas.

SHAKING A WOODEN COLLECTING BOX

BLOODNOK

You crazy mixed-up Eccles! Christmas has gone.

ECCLES

Which way did it go?

BLOODNOK

It’s finished.

ECCLES

Ohhh ... er ... ohhhh ... (muttering) Penny fer the Guy.

WOODEN MONEY BOX RATTLED

BLOODNOK

That’s not till next November.

ECCLES

Can we come in and wait?

SLAPSTICK AND WALLOPS

GRAMS

ECCLES SHOUTING ‘OHS’ & ‘AHS’

DOAR SLAMS

BLOODNOK

Oh, that’s got rid of those idiots.

KNOCK ON DOOR

BLOODNOK

Where’s that club?

DOOR OPENS. RENEWED CLUBBING - SLAPSTICK -THUDS

BLOODNOK (over)

Take that and that and that.

SPRIGGS

Thank you, Jim.

BLOODNOK

Ooohhh, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you under that rain of blows.

SPRIGGS

I don’t recognize myself, now. I don’t like clubbing, Jim ... I don’t like it at all. I have a message for you, Jim.

BLOODNOK

Play it on the gramophone.

GRAMS

TYPING

BLOODNOK

Curse, it’s written in typewriter and I can’t speak a word of it. What’s on the other side?

GRAMS

PRE-RECORDING OF TEN ECCLESES SINGING ‘GOOD KING WENCESLAS’

BLOODNOK

Oh, this is too much. Ellington, attack the hit parade with a melody divine. Brandy!!

GRAMS

GREAT RUNNING AWAY OF BOOTS - SCREAMS ETC.

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET

MUSIC

WALLACE

That was Ray Ellington. We all wish him a speedy recovery. Now, by clenching my fists, gritting my teeth and contracting my abdomen, I find myself in an ideal position to hear Part Three of ‘The String Robberies’.

ORCHESTRA

SOFT MYSTERIOUS DRAMATIC CHORDS

GRAMS

STORM AT SEA. SHIPS’ TIMBERS GROANING

NED

It was very brave of you to put the lifeboat out in this storm.

BLOODNOK

Yes, it’s amazing what a man will do at pistol-point.

NED

What’s our position?

BLOODNOK

I don’t really know, I’m a stranger round here.

NED

What’s the label on this wave say? Made in Birmingham for the English Channel.

MORIARTY

(off) Helpppppppppp!

NED

Look, I can see the word coming out of the thinks-type bubble.

BLOODNOK

It must be a drowning cartoonist. (Calls) Here, catch this pencil and paper!

MORIARTY

Merci, I’ll draw a life-belt. Ahhhh, there - saved! Now I’ll draw myself on board ... Touché.

THYNNE

(sotto) I’ll do the talking, Moriarty.

MORIARTY

Right, I’ll do the splits.

TEARING OF TROUSERS (OR, FOR THE PRUDISH - SOCKS)

MORIARTY

Help! The sea’s getting in.

THYNNE

Bend down while I bail you out.

GRAMS

BAILING OUT SOUNDS

NED

All night long we bailed Out Moriarty’s water-logged trousers, and by dawn we could see the bottom of his boots.

THYNNE

It was a near thing for the dear Count.

NED

Perhaps now you’d like to answer a few questions.

MORIARTY

Certainement.

NED

First I must ask you to empty your pockets.

GREAT SERIES OF ASSORTED SOUNDS. FORKS, SPOONS, ODD COINS, TUBULAR BELLS, ROCKS, STONES, SMALL BELLS, RINGS, WOODEN CLOGS, EMPTY FISH TINS, HALF A POUND OF GRAVEL, MOTOR HORN, POP, ALARM CLOCK, WHISTLE, ETC.

NED

Quit stalling - empty your pockets.

THYNNE

Sir - that’s our entire worldly wealth.

NED

What’s the ominous bulge in the seat of your trousers?

MORIARTY

(furious) It’s nothing, I tell you, just some old clothes.

NED

We’ll soon see - Bloodnok, hand me that stick.

COLOSSAL SLAP

BLUEBOTTLE

Owwwwww ... my lughole!

NED

Gad - a stowaway. Come on out.

BLUEBOTTLE

All right, I’ll come out. Lowers flap of Moriarty’s trousers. Steps out - waits for audience applause.

AUDIENCE

(Applause)

BLUEBOTTLE

Not enough, I say. Puts on own clapping.

GRAMS

OVATION, WHISTLES, CHEERS, CRIES OF ENCORE

NED

Stop! Who are you?

BLUEBOTTLE

I’m young Timmy Bluebottle, Ace Private Detective. Own catapult, own scooter, own legs. Will go anywhere in Finchley.

NED

Lad, lad, little loony lad, who were you trailing?

BLUEBOTTLE

I’m after the string criminals. I suspect the Moriarty man. Points finger. Point - point pointeeeeeee.

MORIARTY

Lies, lies, all lies.

BLUEBOTTLE

Keep him away from me! Lets fly with catapult ping!

GRAMS

SHATTERING OF SHOP-FRONT PLATE GLASS WINDOW

MORIARTY

Owwwwww, my spectacles.

NED

All right, gentlemen - a final question. Are you the owner of these splashes?

GRAMS

TWO FAST SPLASHES

THYNNE

No, I’ve never seen those splashes before in my life.

NED

Would you care to try them on?

MORIARTY

If you wish.

GRAMS

TWO SPLASHES

BLUEBOTTLE

There, dey fit dem perfectly. Arrest them in the nim of law.

MORIARTY

Run for it!

GRAMS

FEW SHORT DEPARTING FAST STEPS. TWO FAST SPLASHES

NED

They’ve escaped with the two splashes. After them!

GRAMS

THUNDERING OF FEET FOLLOWED BY FOUR FAST SPLASHES

LITTLE JIM

They’ve fallen in the water!

ORCHESTRA

DRAMATIC SOFT MYSTERIOUS CHORDS

NED

(megaphone) Hello folks, this is the position to date. Moriarty and Grytpype have landed at Dover disguised as splashes and are making inland. They thumb a lift from a passing house.

GRAMS

OLD CAR (AS BEFORE) STOPPING

CRUN

How far are you going, sir?

MORIARTY

Are you going anywhere near the New Forest?

CRUN

No.

MORIARTY

That suits us fine.

DOOR CLOSES

CRUN

Off you go, Min.

MINNIE

We’ll have to stop at the next builder’s yard - we’re very low on bricks.

CRUN

Funny, this house has always done thirty bricks to the mile.

GRAMS

OLD CAR DRIVES AWAY. BANGING & POPPING. APPROACH OF A CROWD OF MEN RUNNING TO A STOP

NED

(breathless) Curses - they drove away in that house.

BLUEBOTTLE

Don’t worry, Captain, I took a photograph of the number.

NED

Good lad. And what luck - here comes a Hindu photographer’s dark room.

GRAMS

CAR PULLS TO A HURRIED STOP

KNOCK. DOOR OPENS

SINGHIZ

You were knocking on the door, is that correct?

NED

We want this camera developed.

SINGHIZ

Ready in a few moments. If you will accommodate yourself.

CLOSES DOOR

SINGHIZ

Mr Banajee?

BANAJEE

What are you calling my name for, Mr Lalkaka?

SINGHIZ

I thought it might be attached to you, man. We have had sudden employment, in the nature of developing a film.

BANAJEE

Ah, this has come at a most obsense moment. I was in the intrepid process of wrapping up the curry powder.

SINGHIZ

You will have to postpone the making of curry for the temporary moment.

BANAJEE

It will be difficult, but I understand the necessary of gainful employment, therefore I am willing to concur.

SINGHIZ

Abka dhost. Then will you please place the European-type film in the developer tray for preparation.

BANAJEE

Eck dum. (For the foul-minded this means ‘at once’)

GENERAL TINKLING SOUNDS OF MOVING DEVELOPING TRAYS

SINGHIZ & BANAJEE

(moving backwards and forwards at all times, discussing the merits of film developing)

TAPPING ON DOOR

NED

Hurry in there, you Babus -

DOOR OPENS

SINGHIZ

Here is the developed print.

NED

Let’s see. Look - the number of the house is 66 Minger Lane! Arrest all houses with that address.

BLOODNOK

Walt - 66 Minger Lane - that’s where Henry Crun lives.

NED

So, he’s done the dirty on me.

BLOODNOK

It’ll wash off, lad.

NED

Men, this is the plan. We go to the empty space in the street where Crun’s house lives, we go down in the cellar and wait for Crun’s house to arrive.

BLOODNOK

We must hurry - the audience is leaving.

GRAMS

GREAT THUNDER OF FEET RUNNING AWAY

PHONE RINGS IN FOREGROUND

GRAMS

RETURN OF ONE PAIR OF BOOTS, RUNNING

NED

(breathless) Hello, yes? Major Bloodnok? Hold on, I’ll get him.

GRAMS

FOOTSTEPS GALLOP AWAY. PAUSE. A FRESH PAIR OF BOOTED FEET APPROACHES

BLOODNOK

(exhausted) Yes, hello? Bloodnok here.

NED

Hurry, Major, we’re all waiting up the street for you.

BLOODNOK

Thank you.

RECEIVER ON HOOK

GRAMS

RUNNING BOOTS GOING INTO DISTANCE. (ONE PAIR)

WALLACE

Those running boots are a repeat of the running boots you heard in ‘Those Were The Days’ on the Light Programme on March 2nd, and were taken from the BBC great sound library of 9000 scratchy records. I should at this juncture like to thank the Wallace Greenslade Fan Club, whose thirty-nine thousand members clubbed together and sent me a copy of last year’s birthday honours. How nice to have such nice sweet friends.

THYNNE

He’s a bit of a crawler, Moriarty.

MORIARTY

Shhhhh.

CRUN

This is as far as my house goes, gentlemen.

MORIARTY

Oh, can we stay here until it gets dark?

CRUN

Well, if you shut your eyes it gets dark right away.

MORIARTY

He’s right, Grytpype.

NED

Hands up, you two men in the dark there!

THYNNE

Where are you?

NED

Under the floorboards in the cellar. Don’t move or I’ll fire.

BLUEBOTTLE

Captain, from where I’m lying I can see up Moriarty’s trousers. He he.

NED

Let me see ... Gad, I never knew he was so old.

MORIARTY

What do you want?

NED

Hand down the two pieces of string tied around your socks.

THYNNE

Dear listeners, as there is no audible sound for a piece of string, we substitute this.

GRAMS

PETER SELLERS LONG MAD TALKING RECORD

NED

Moriarty, you’re under arrest. Mr. Crun, how do we get up out of this cellar?

CRUN

There’s no cellar in this house.

NED

No cellar? Then where are we?

CRUN

You’re all in your mind ... Ha hehehehehehe...

NED

Helpppp! Who wrote this script? Helppppp! Let us out! Helppppp!

ORCHESTRA

‘OLD COMRADES MARCH’ (NED SHOUTS ‘HELPPPP’ALL THROUGH SIGNATURE TUNE)