TEN SNOWBALLS THAT SHOOK THE WORLDSeries 8, number 20

Transcribed from the "Pick of the Goons" Series version."Stewers" is a voice very similar to Grytpype-Thynne. Plin also has a "posh" voice. They are named early in the show. Later, there are two Indian gentlemen – I hope I have got their names correct.

Greenslade: This is the BBC.(nasal voice): This is the BBC.Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, Ten Snowballs that Shook the World. This has no story and is basically fantasia, and is a dead liberty.

Stewers: We take you back to the London Stock Exchange in 1882. Tin, wool, and rain are falling; the market is reclining under the news.

Grams: (voices)Plin: Hello, Stewers.Stewers: Hello, Plin.Plin: Yes.Stewers: You know there’s talk of the bank rate going up, do you?Plin: Eh?Stewers: Yeah.Plin: Where did you hear that?Stewers: On a gramophone this morning. Plin: Sounds rather dangerous. I think there must have been a leak.Stewers: Why?Plin: I saw a plumber going in.Stewers: Hmmm.Plin: Hmmm. Yes.Stewers: Gad.Plin: Gad.Stewers: Water must be flooding the market.Plin: We’d better buy some right away, I think.Seagoon: Ooow, ooow, ooow. Hello, Folks! Hello, folks! Hello, folks! This is where I come in. Me, Neddie (applause) Stop! Stop, folks. Thank you, folks. At the time I was a runner on the Stock Exchange. I wore a silver greyhound and carried a ginger tomcat.

Grytpype-Thynne: Neddie, Neddie. Sterling is in danger. It’s dropped from F sharp to E flat. It must be saved in the key of G.

Seagoon You’re right, Grytpype. And so saying, I swore myself to secrecy – damn! Blast! Drat!

Grytpype-Thynne: The first thing to do, Neddie, is to warn the occupants of the Eddystone Lighthouse.

F.X.: (music, nautical calls, then sawing, knock on door, and more sawing)

Min: I sit and cobble at the break of day,I sit and cobble in the (mumbles)

Crun: What are you doing, Min?

Min: I’m mending your socks, Henry.

Crun: Min.

Min: Hep.

Crun: (mumbles) Oh, Min. Min, you turned the lighthouse light off last night.

Min: I know. We can’t afford to keep it on all night.

Crun: You devil of a woman.

Min: Pow!

Crun: Sssh, sssh! Listen.

Min: I can’t hear anything.

Crun: Neither can I. (laughter) That’s the third time today (laughter)

Min: Oh, oh! There’s somebody down there! We’ll all be murdered in our lighthouses!

Seagoon: Ahoy!

Min: Oh, go away, naughty man!

Seagoon: Ahoy, anybody up there?

Crun: Stand on your head, put on this parachute, count to ten backwards, then push the string.

Seagoon: What happens then?

Crun: We’ll come down and let you in.

Seagoon: Let’s pretend I’m in, alright?

Crun: Alright then.

Seagoon: I’m Cryptic Ned. I’ve brought this message. It’s written on the soles of my feet.

Crun: Oh, a footnote.

Min: Ahaaaa!

Crun: Hahahahahahaha.

Seagoon: It contains a mimeographed copy of Beethoven’s Fifth complete with ukulele chords.

Crun: Min, play that message.

Min: At once.

Orch: (music)

Min: Time!

Crun: That sounds serious to me.

Min: Serious music.

Crun: Yeah, Sterling is dropping in the key of E flat.

Min: Better ....................(I cannot decipher this)

Crun: Oho, ...................... (I cannot decipher this)

Min: Now, listen, boys. We must keep going. Minnie Bannister, keep going. Minnie Bannister, don’t get excited. Don’t get excited now. Listen. Let’s all have some Indian ...

Crun and Min (together): ..tea!

F.X.: (cups clattering.)

Min: Nice tea. One or two spoons, Ned?

Seagoon: Two, please.

Min: I’m sorry, we don’t have any sugar.

Seagoon: My plan to save Sterling is to raffle the equator in the key of E flat.

Crun: Ooooh.

Min: Oh, poi, poi, poi.

Crun: It’s the rainy season.

Min: Yes.

Crun: The equator’s under water.

Seagoon: Ahaaa! I have forestalled that. I’m wearing the plans of a sound-proof oil skin.

Crun: A perfect disguise.

Min: (unintelligible mumbling)

Crun: But how will we recognize you?

Seagoon: Here’s half a moustache. If ever you meet a man with the other half, it’ll be me.

Crun: Alright, I’ll be disguised as (woodwind sound) in C sharp.

Seagoon: Splendid. Now, I’m off to establish raffle book patrols all along the equator.

Min: You sinful man, you!

Seagoon: Meantime, here is Max Geldray who’ll perform a certain unsavoury action.(Geldray and orchestra)

Greenslade: Bad news. Part 2 in F sharp.

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty.

Moriarty: Yes, Grytpype? What is it, Grytpype?

Grytpype-Thynne: Take a letter in gargling fluid.

Moriarty: (sips and gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: To the Postmaster-General. Dear General,

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: According to the shape of my knees, ...

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. I believe that an illegal raffle ...

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. for the equator is being held ..

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. and for certain monies, I will reveal the organizer.

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: Let’s have that back, please.

Moriarty: (sound of regurgitation and spit)

Grytpype-Thynne: You filthy swine! (laughter) You’ve watered my peony (laughter)

Moriarty: Aaargh. I’m sorry.

Grytpype-Thynne: No good saying "sorry" when you’re sorry.

Moriarty: Oooow, oooow, oooow.

Grytpype-Thynne: See you in part 3.

Orch: (chords)

Greenslade: Which means Cryptic Ned is standing in the Sahara waiting for a train to the equator.

Eccles: Ooooh, ooooh, chuff, chuff, chuff. Ooooh, ooooh, chuff, chuff, chuff. (more) Whoa (sound of train slowing). Hullo! (applause)

Eccles: Thank you, it’s all free!

Seagoon: Listen, I think it’s only fair to those without TV sets to describe this man.He was wearing a train driver’s hat, holding two sticks, pulling a railway carriage, and eating lumps of coal.

Eccles: I’m the engine. Hahaha.

Seagoon: I see. There’s a man standing on your head.

Eccles: He’s the driver.

Willium: Yesh. Hurry up and get in, mate! We’re leaving. (applause)

Willium: Mates all, ooooh.

Eccles: (train sounds, moving off) (gulps)

Seagoon: Is this anybody’s seat?

Willium: Yes, it’s anybody’s. Jim Anybody’s.

Seagoon: Aagh! You’re supposed to be driving this.

Willium: Yes, but standing on Eccles’ head hurts me kippers.

Eccles: Mind if I come in?

Seagoon: You’re the engine. What are you doing in the carriage?

Eccles: I like a bit of comfort, man.

Seagoon: So sit down there, and don’t steam on me.

Eccles: This seat is dangerous. It’s got no bottom on it.

Seagoon: It soon will have.

Eccles: Ooo-ooh.

Seagoon: What’s that for?

Eccles: We’re coming up to a tunnel.

Spriggs(?): Tickets.

Seagoon: Quick, under the seats.

Spriggs: Tickets, please. All tickets, please. (applause)

Spriggs: Ta. Lot of people on the train.

Seagoon: (hysterical laugh)

Spriggs: Now, part 4. Ooooh, what are you doing under that seat, Jim?

Seagoon: I’m.. I’m just visiting a midget named George.

Spriggs: Named George? I can’t see him.

Seagoon: He’s moved, ha ha ha. Now what time do we get to the equator?

Spriggs: Oh, about .. Come on now, Jim. Where’s your ticket, Jim?

Seagoon: Here.

Spriggs: This is a raffle ticket, Jim.

Seagoon: That’ll be half a crown.

F.X.: (cash register)

Seagoon: Thank you.

Spriggs: Oh, Jim, when’s the draw, Jim?

Seagoon: Now. Now is the draw. Put your ticket in the hat.

Spriggs: Right.

Seagoon: Draw.

Spriggs: It is my ticket and I’ve won! I’ve won, Jim. What’s the prize, Jim?

Seagoon: The raffle ticket you found in the hat.

Spriggs: You haven’t got a ticket. So, off he goes, off he goes!

Seagoon: Aaaargh! (gasps) Gasping. The fiend, he threw me out.

Willium: And forgot to let go!

Seagoon: Well, I didn’t hurt myself. Strange. I wonder why?

Bluebottle: You fell on me, you swine! (applause) Heeeee. Hello, Everybody. Look at me – flatted! I’m flat all over!

Seagoon: You’ll be alright as long as you don’t stand sideways.

Bluebottle: Well, I have to go sideways because of my new tune. (sings) Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, on a Sunday afternoon; Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, will be our honeymoon; Ankle deep in sludge, dear, we’ll walk hand in hand. They do say that the sewers of the Strand ..

Eccles: .. are the finest in the land ..

Eccles and Blubottle (together): .. I’m a’telling ya.

Bluebottle: Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, Will be a paradise for two; Who cares if the atmosphere is blue? There is nothing wrong with a good old British pong; Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, with you, I don’t mean maybe.. (fanfare and applause)

Greenslade: The scene – heart of Port Said.

F.X.: (Bloodnok introduction music, the tugboat sound, quickening to sound of flatulence)

Bloodnok: Oho, oho, Oh dear, oh dear.

Seagoon: Ahoy! In the key of E flat.

Bloodnok: Great spluts of fowl! A man with half a moustache!

Seagoon: Who’s the captain of this lugger?

Bloodnok: Me.

Seagoon: Right, take me to him.

Bloodnok: This is his cabin. (knocks) Oh, no answer, I’ll see if he’s in. (enters) Oh, and he’s out. (knocking on door) I’ll .. what do you want?

Seagoon: Mister Bloodnok?

Bloodnok: Me, that’s me.

Seagoon: Me, that’s the name of the captain.

Bloodnok: You’re lucky you found me. I’ve only just got in.

Seagoon: Are you a good sailor?

Bloodnok: No, I’m a naughty soldier. Oh ho.

Seagoon: I was told you were a competent navigator.

Bloodnok: You filthy swine, you!

Seagoon: Look! I must get to the equator tonight.

Bloodnok: Tell my ATS driver she can put the car away. I’ll be needing her.

F.X.: (phone rings)

Seagoon: Hello.

(voice): Is that Cryptic Ned?

Seagoon: Yes, here’s my card.

(voice): Thank you. Here’s my wardrobe.

Seagoon: What huge drawers!

(voice): Yes, I have friends staying with me. My name’s "Slim". I have to inform

you that your raffling of the equator in E flat is illegal.

Seagoon: I’ll change the key to G sharp.

(voice): G sharp, then. But, remember, any other key is illegal.

Moriarty: Ooow, ooow. Did you hear that, Grytpype? He’s got permission to raffle the equator.

Grytpype-Thynne: Don’t worry, hairy French steamer! I have two gentlemen making an imitation equator that will fool any linesman. So, over to them.

F.X.: (sound of sawing)

Mr. Loldragar(?): (Indian accent) Steady, steady, steady now, Mr Bannerjee, steady .......

Mr Bannerjee: (Indian accent) Just a moment (?) Please, now please, holding the opposite end. Then only then can we complete the task of completion.

Mr Loldragar: Indeed, indeed, man. Indeed. Your reasoning is of sound capacity to my mind, do you understand?

Mr Bannerjee: Oh, I’m aware of that, Mr Loldragar (?), but I am puzzled in the extreme about this task that we are performing.

Mr Loldragar: Not only you, man, not only you. But I too am puzzled. I’ve never before in my entire life made an imitation equator before, you understand.

Seagoon: Hand over the equator! Right, got it. Greenslade, make an announcement that will get me away.

Greenslade: In a trice, Cryptic Ned trekked overland with his destination Bond Street.

(Indian voice): Good heavens!

F.X.: (native voices and drums)

Seagoon: Keep up, men! Bloodnok, how far are we from Bond Street?

Bloodnok: A hundred thousand miles.

Seagoon: Aaagh, we’ll never make it by tonight. We’ll camp by this telephone. (?)

Bloodnok: Oh, really. Where’s Hugh?

Seagoon: Hugh? Hugh who?

Bloodnok: Yoo hoo.

Seagoon: Yoo hoo, darling!

Bloodnok: Shall we dance?

Seagoon: Love to dance.

F.X.: (dance music, then splash, then phone rings)

Seagoon: Hello.

Little Jim: He’s fallen in the wa-ter!

Ellington and quartet ("Bona Sera")

Greenslade: Part 4. With the Gulf Stream behind them, Neddie and company, with the imitation equator on board, made for England on a self-drive raft.

Eccles: Oh. Life on the ocean wave. Life on the land as well.

Seagoon: Mid-ocean. I was still a thousand miles from London. Curse this 30 miles per hour speed limit!

Eccles: Pardon me, but your ship is slowing.

F.X.: (gun shot)

Seagoon: Eccles, that is a nasty bullet hole in your head.

Eccles: Funny, it wasn’t there a minute ago.

F.X.: (phone rings)

Bloodnok: Ah, yes, yes.

(voice on phone): Buy Grubbo Dog Food.

Bloodnok: Right.

Min: Ah, morning. Morning, sir, morning.

Bloodnok: Madam.

Min: (mumbles)

Bloodnok: I know you’re the only shop on this raft. Do you sell Grubbo dog food?

Min: Ooooh, ooooh!

Bloodnok: What’s the matter, madam? You look quite well.

Min: Oh, quick, it’s Dennis Bloodnok.

Bloodnok: Bloodnok.

Min: Yes.

Bloodnok: What has he done to you, that military swine? I’ll .. ooooh, that’s me. Wait. Can it be? Where’s me old marriage papers?

Min: What’s he doing? What’s he doing?

Bloodnok: Heavens, it’s Minnie Bannister, the toast of Bombay.

Min: Aagh, Dennis; aagh, naughty Dennis from Poona.

Bloodnok: Naughty Minnie.

Min: After all these years. Have you changed much?

Bloodnok: Only me vest.

Orch: (woodwind sounds)

Min: Ha.

Min and Bloodnok (together): Ooooh.

Bloodnok: Ooooh, who are you, sir?

Crun: I’m Henry Crun, disguised as (woodwind sounds) in C sharp.

Min: Oh, Henry.

Crun: Now, Min. Who is this man holding you in a military Sam Brown-type embrace? I’ll ..

Seagoon: Stop, Crun. Put down that sock full of grit with which Casey was hit.

Min: Oooh. Bloodnok, Bloodnok, is a (undecypherable) upon you?

Crun: You never had one.

Bloodnok: I insist on diplomatic immunity.

Seagoon: Right, roll up your sleeves and your hat.

Bloodnok: (mumbles)

Omnes: (descends into chaos)

Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, during this sordid scene, will you please put a blanket over your radios, and lower the volume. Meantime, part 4, still aboard the raft.

Eccles: Life on the ocean waves, life on the ocean waves. .....(undecypherable) high seas.

Seagoon: Fishing?

Eccles: What?

Seagoon: Fishing?

Eccles: Yah, yah, I’m fishing.

Seagoon: I see. That’s a big bucket of worms just for one day’s fishing.

Eccles: I get hungry, too, you know. (laughter)

Seagoon: Bleeaugh!

Eccles: Hey, look at them pigeons!

Seagoon: Pigeons? You idiot, they’re gulls!

Eccles: Boys or girls, they’re nice pigeons (laughter / applause)

Bluebottle: Land ahoy, Captain!

Seagoon: Land? Let me taste it. (sound of licking lips) It’s English!

Bluebottle: England.

Bluebottle & Eccles: Land of hope and East Finchley,

Mother of the (dong). Ahoy!

Bluebottle: What’s the matter with you, man? Hitting my nut! It’s not paid for yet!

Seagoon: We haven’t a moment to lose. According to my calculations, two and two are four. (cheers) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, ‘Bottle, hold up this photograph and we’ll auction the equator.

Omnes: Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, ....

Seagoon: Custard, custard.

F.X.: (sound of gavel)

Auctioneer: Now lot number 1, the equator. What am I bid for this lot?

Greenslade: Money.

Auctioneer: Any advance on money?

Deep voice: More money.

Auctioneer: Going for more money.

Another voice: Hmm, yoon bom bala boo.

Auctioneer: Any advance on yoon bom bala boo?

Seagoon: Yoon bom bala boo and sixpence.

Moriarty: (bursts in door) Hands up, all of you! Officer, that’s the man, there.

Policeman: Pardon me, sir. Are you the owner of the equator LXW3457?

Seagoon: I am.

Policeman: Is your equator marked lot one?

Seagoon: Yes, that’s my lot.

Policeman: It certainly is! (laughter)

Seagoon: Wal!

Greenslade: Ahem.

Seagoon: Do us a favour.

Greenslade: Yup.

Seagoon: Don’t tell the audience that was the end to a very good start.

Greenslade: Alright.

Seagoon: C’mon, lads!

F.X.: (sounds of running away – round the back for a bit of the brandy??!)