From: josh@pogo.cqs.washington.edu (doc)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
Subject: SCRIPT: The Spon Plague
Date: 10 Nov 1994 18:58:44 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
Lines: 943
Message-ID: <39tqh4$58i@news.u.washington.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: pogo.cqs.washington.edu
You may all wish to take up a collection to ensure that my boss
continues his travels to far-flung lands, like Montana.
FX: Coin in till
Ta. Now, here is today's script, entitled "The Spon Plague".
The Spon Plague
(Series 8, 3 March 1958)
WALLACE
This is the BBC Home Service. It might not sound much but (tearfully)
it's home to me. (Sings) We've been together nah fer forty years and
it ain't been a day...
FX: Pistol Shot
HARRY
Got him, folks. It was the kindest way out. We had the vet's
permission. Now folks, by permission of one of the Lord Chamberlain's
secretaries, we present --
Orchestra: Timpani Roll
SPIKE
'The Great Spon Plague'.
Orchestra: Dramatic Chords
PETER
My name is Doctor Hairy MacSquirter, Squirter MacSquirters of the Clan
LacThud Thud and Jim Thudder of Leeds -- our history goes back over
half a decade. I've got nothing to do with tonight's show, so I'll bid
ye all a guid night.
Orchestra: Chord in C; tatty a la Pit Orchestra
WALLACE
The scene opens in a granny-hurling factory in Tooting.
FX: Stone chisel sculpting on granite. Then hammering iron from the
forge.
THYNNE (over FX)
Gad, it's my masterpiece! Don't move, Moriarty, keep that pose. How
Michaelangelo would have envied me.
MORIARTY
What are you making?
THYNNE
A pill, Moriarty.
MORIARTY
What - Sapristi - you mean you made me pose nude as a model for a
pill?
THYNNE
I wasn't using all of you, just a certain area. Just round off the
pill with sandpaper.
FX: Sharp rubbing with sandpaper over above speech
THYNNE
There - swallow it.
MORIARTY (gulps)
Ah, what delicious sandpaper. Banana - the flavour of the
month. Owwwwwwwww, more!
THYNNE
Listen, pay attention, you decimated, sparsely-haired French owner of
a whopper (?). I have invented this pill to make us rich.
MORIARTY
You mustn't be too ambitious, Grytpype, we already own three pieces of
brown paper and a conker.
THYNNE
Don't let that dazzle you. We must go on! Remember, 'There comes a
tide in the time of every man's affairs'. You know you said that,
Moriarty?
MORIARTY
You did, I just heard you. Ah, yes - Shakespeare.
THYNNE
Ignorant swine, it was Henry the Fifth, a great writer. You know the
old Apollo Theatre?
MORIARTY
Yes.
THYNNE
Well, he wrote that. Now get into this mass of chains.
FX: Chains
THYNNE (without waiting for FX)
Now stand on your head in this bucket of lukewarm water.
MORIARTY
Owwww....
FX: Head in bucket of water
THYNNE
Now, I just pour this bottle of rancid yak butter over your knees,
so. Next hold this copy of the _Feathered World_ under your
chin. There. Next, I haul you up to the ceiling.
FX: Quick winching when he says 'haul up'
MORIARTY (slightly alarmed)
What are you going to do now?
THYNNE
Just talk to you. Can you hear me talking?
MORIARTY
Only in words.
THYNNE
Splendid, my little thin-legged steamer. I shall use just words then.
MORIARTY
It's a miracle, I tell you.
THYNNE
This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague.
MORIARTY
Spon? Is it catching?
THYNNE
I don't know, no one's ever had it.
MORIARTY
You mean that yar yar yar boo the tar marg al lung tal mor pol tol
nonl doll roll coll yar la backa ta la tickkiety takek a tooo?
THYNNE (excited)
You have it in a nutshell!
MORIARTY
But how do you know people are going to start catching the Spon
Plague?
THYNNE
Leave that to me...I have certain arglers on the Splott mickledoodle
and the Blim blam bloo.
WALLACE
And on that beautifully enunciated rubbish we move to...
NED
Me, folks, Neddie!
Grams: Ovation
NED
Ta. You all get free draws for Christmas. Now for a quick bath.
Grams: Splash
NED
Now, where's that instruction manual, 'Bath Night for Beginners'?
Ahhh. Take soap in right hand and apply to all parts...(fade)
PETER (newsreel)
This was the great National Health Surgeon, Ned Seagoon, who has just
invented dirty necks...
NED
La ta ta ta teeeee.....Flutt!
FLUTT
Yeeeees sir?
NED
Ah, Jimmmm, stand in the sink and take a letter. First what have I got
in my diary this week?
FLUTT
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat.
NED
Cancel them. I can't see them till Sunday. Well, I'd better be getting
down to the surgery.
Grams: Getting out of bath (to go with above dialogue)
FX: Door opens and closes
Grams: Screams
FX: Door opens in a hurry
NED
Ha ha - I forgot my clothes!
Orhestra: Short link, very weird notes all over the place. Unfinished
cadences, melody passes from instrument to instrument with a key
change at the same time
WALLACE
The scene: Dr Seagoon's National Health waiting-room.
Grams: Agonized groans, screams, people falling to the floor,
occasional snoring
NED
Ah, good morning, patients. Sorry to be so late, but I had to stop for
a three month's holiday in Paris.
NURSE
Shall I send the first patient in?
NED
Yes, darling. Remember, the rich ones first, National Healths last.
NURSE
You first - drop 'em.
MATE
Ta, nurse.
NED
Now, what's the trouble with you?
MATE
I got the Shoo Shoo.
Grams: crows
MATE
I got a touch of the birds. Get off - shoo, birdies.
NED
Gad, crows, starlings, pigeons - you'll soon be the Man in the White
Suit. Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, getting the bird is a common complaint.
MATE
Yerst, I saw you last week at Coventry. 'Ere, you do all right for
fruit, don't you.
NED
It's all lies, folks, I'm a great success.
MATE
Well, how can I cure these birds, mate?
NED
Soon have you well, just wear these bird-cages hanging on your
legs. And take this bird-lime three times a second.
MATE
Oh, lovely...
NED
Who's next?
RAY
The Ellington Quartet.
NED
What's wrong with him?
RAY
This!
The Ray Ellington Quartet: Music
WALLACE
What a terrible illness that must be. And now I have pleasure in
announcing a knock at the door.
FX: A knock
NED
I have pleasure in saying 'Come in'.
FX: door opens
THYNNE
Ah, dear Doctor Ned. I bring you a man stricken with a dread
disease. He is Count Jim 'Kidney Wiper' --
FX: Swanee whistle
THYNNE
-- Moriarty.
MORIARTY
Owwww, save me, Doctor....
NED
Right, just lie face-down on this back. Now, just run a stethoscope
over his pockets. Gad, this man is suffering from poverty. Take this
bottle of pound notes and inject them into his wallet three times a
day.
MORIARTY
Owwwwwww....lovely medicine.
THYNNE
Dear Surgeon, you have overlooked one terrifying aspect of the dear
Count's condition. This man has the Spon Plague.
NED
I've never heard of it.
THYNNE
That's because the Count is the first man to have caught it.
NED
Are you sure?
THYNNE
He has all the symptoms -- namely, bare knees.
NED
Is it catching?
THYNNE
Yes - stand back! Too late - you've got it.
NED
What what what what what?
THYNNE
You've got the bare knees.
NED
No I haven't.
THYNNE
Roll your trousers up.
FX: Wooden venetian blind pulled up
THYNNE
There - bare knees.
NED
Ahhhhhh - I've got the Spon!
Grams: Absolute running at high speed in all different perspectives
screaming 'helppp'. All done at top speed, repeat top speed and on
grams - that is, recorded records, pre-recorded
WALLACE
Even as Seagoon is stricken with Spon, the Britich Medical Council are
quick to seek a cure.
Grams: Duck quacking
PETER (Wolfit)(?)
Aaah, and so, genlemen, I must conclude by drawing your attention to
the fact that the use of leeches is not only useless but harmful.
OMNES
Paah, ha, rubbish - man's unbalanced. He'll lose his stethoscope
license.
PETER (Confident idiot of middle age)
Hur, hur. Gentlemen, I maintain that I have used leeches for years,
and not one of them has ever been ill.
HARRY
Bravo, there's proof.
PETER
I might add that neither have I received any complaints from the
patients' next of kin.
Grams: old men's applause
FX: Door bursts open
NED
Stop stip stup stap stop. Gentlemen, grave news! A new malignant
plague is upon us.
PETER
Oh, gooooood. Business is looking up.
NED
Whose business is looking up?
PETER
Bird-watchers. Ha he he.....
NED
It's the plague, I tell you, the fearful and fearsome plague.
SPIKE
Splendid, we haven't had a good plague for years.
PETER
Yes, you get out of touch.
NED
Gentlemen, every patient that I examined this morning at a nominal fee
of twenty guineas has the Spon Plague. Even I have it at a nominal fee
of two and sixpence. The symptoms are bare knees - roll your trouser
legs up.
Grams: several wooden venetian blinds being pulled up sharply with a
clatter
PETER
Oh, dearrrrr. We got it.
NED
There's only one cure. Try to run away from your knees!
Grams: Great protesting quacking by drakes and ducks. Boots running
into distance
Orchestra: Dramatic Chords
WALLACE
The Spon Plague spread like wild-fire. Everywhere people were going
down with it. Several people went up with it, and one gentleman was
known to have gone sideways with it. The country was in a turmoil - as
one Minister remarked -
PETER
They've never had it so good.
WALLACE
Meanwhile, in a new satellite town slum --
Grams: Rain pouring down onto floor, musical sound of rain, drops
plopping into small pools of water
CRUN
Oh dear.....dearrrr dearrr....oh dearrrr....Min? Modern Min?
MINNIE
What is it, cocky?
CRUN
Where have you put the roof?
MINNIE
I sent it to the menders, it was leaking, cocky.
CRUN
Oh, dearrrr, it's freezing cold in here, Min.
MINNIE
Well, sit nearer to Africa, it's warmer there.
CRUN
Oh, yes! Nothing like an Africa to keep you warm, Min.
WALLACE
Yes, folks -- do away with dirty coal -- keep yourselves warm with
Africa. Africa is now on sale to anyone who wants to make it a second
India.
CRUN
Hear that, Min?
MINNIE
They knowk Africa down and build flats there.
CRUN
I wish Disraeli was back.
MINNIE
He will be, Henry, he's just gone down to the shops.
FX: Knock on door
MINNIE
Ah, that's him. Come in!
FX: Door opens
MINNIE & CRUN
Morning, morning.
CRUN
Come in, Doctor Ned.
MINNIE
How's the Spon Plague?
CRUN
Oh, Doctor, is there no cure?
NED
None.
FX: Door opens
THYNNE
News, Ned. I've found the cure - this bottle of pills. Ten shillings
please.
FX: Till
THYNNE
Ta, Ned, and a sailor's farewell.
Grams: Queen Mary's hooter
NED
And so saying, he went through the door and disappeared into the
night.
THYNNE
Did I? Well, I might have been told a bit sooner than this.
NED
And so saying, he went through...
THYNNE
Yes, they know.
NED
So saying, I read the instructions on the pills. Take three paces
south, stretch out right arm, roll down trouser legs.
FX: wooden venetian blinds rolling down
NED
Eureka! Huaa, folks, my bare knees have gone! Taxi!
Grams: explosion
MATE
Yerst, mate?
NED
The Ministry of Health and Dirt, please.
MATE
Ta.
Grams: Bloodnok theme. bubbling cauldron. explosions.
BLOODNOK
Gad, I can't send these to the laundry. There must be a cure for
this. I can't go in the street, I --
Grams: Explosion
BLOODNOK
Oooooh, a taxi.
NED
Yes, it's the new type.
BLOODNOK
Come in.
NED
I am in.
BLOODNOK
Oh, he am in.
NED
Bloodnok, I've come here on business.
BLOODNOK
It's the quickest way. I always travel on business. Sit down.
FX: Duck call
BLOODNOK
Eeeehohohhhh...every chair a whoopee chsuion. Now, here's my
brochure. And an interesting health picture of Sabrina.
NED
Thank you, and here is a picture of her clothes.
BLOODNOK
Good heavens, who's that man inside 'em?
ECCLES
It's me.
BLOODNOK
Get out, you fool. Now, Ned. Ooohhh, oh dear, that's quite upset me.
NED
Bloodnok, here's a statue waiting to be unveiled.
FX: Heavy tearing
BLOODNOK
Ooooh, it's a picture of you saying -
Grams: Harry (Pre-recorded) saying 'I've discovered a cure for Spon
Plague'
BLOODNOK
Thank you. And here is a wood carving of me saying -
Grams: Bubbling cauldron, explosion
BLOODNOK
Oooh, there MUST be a cure for it.
NED
Yes, and that cure is these anti-Spon pills.
BLOODNOK
Splendid. Now, sir, you'll find my static waer tank in the attic.
NED
I'm not interested in your water tank.
BLOODNOK
So, that's your attitude. Well, sir, I'm not interested in YOUR water
tank.
NED
What? You're insulting the plumbing I love. Just for that, take that!
MAX (very loud)
Ploogieeeeee!
BLOODNOK
It's Max Geldray! Run for it!
Grams: thundering feet into the distance with small explosions, and
screams by Bloodnok
Max and Orchestra: Music
WALLACE
Max Geldray is now appearing at the St James's Theatre. Mr Geldray
will shortly be knocked down to make way for offices. I have great
pleasure in announcing the chord of C.
Orchestra: Chord in C (nice and big)
Grams: Great shovelling of money. Coins everywhere - rolling along the
ground
THYNNE
Hear that sound, folks? Money -- M-O-N-E-Y, prounounced --
Grams: Grytpype-Thynne (Pre-recorded), slightly faster, saying
'Moneyyyyyy'
MORIARTY
Yes, Grytpype, the anti-Spon pills are selling like wild-fire. Ah
hahahahaha.
FX: Knock on door, door opens
THYNNE
Yes?
WALLACE
Meanwhile, in a Government Laboratory.
THYNNE
Thank you.
FX: door closes.
Grams: fade in bubbling cauldron
MORIARTY
Listen, I can hear the best brains that low wages can buy.
BLUEBOTTLE
Don't take any notice of dem, Eccles. Now, my man, to our
works. Remember, we're boy scientists working for our country. Picks
up Union Jack, cleans boots.
ECCLES
Here, Bottle, I got a rise yesterday.
BLUEBOTTLE
How much?
ECCLES
Tree inches.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oh, what did you getted dat for, brainy?
ECCLES
I wrote a tune.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oh, play it, den.
ECCLES
OK.
Grams: Hammering of nails in wood
ECCLES
Hoi!
BLUEBOTTLE
Coo, I wish I was musical.
ECCLES
Come on, den, now all join in the chorus.
Grams: Great mass of hammering nails in wood at different tempos
WALLACE (over)
What a grand sight to see the studio audience hammering nails into
each other.
FX: Spot effect carries on hammering with the above
BLUEBOTTLE
'Ray for tunes! Now to the anti-Spon experiment. Roll up your trousers
for the injection.
FX: wooden blind rolled up
BLUEBOTTLE
Here, you're cured - you ain't got bare knees.
ECCLES
No, I always wear long underpants.
BLUEBOTTLE
Oh, den we got the answer to Spon.
Orchestra: dramatic chords
NED
Yes, folks, the Ministry of Health acted immediately. Within thirty
years everyone had been immunized with long woollen underpants.
MORIARTY
Owwwwww, we're ruined, R-U-I-N-E-D, prounounced --
Grams: Moriarty (pre-recorded) saying 'Ruineddddddddd'
THYNNE (furious)
Foiled by long woollen things, but I'll get even, mark'ee. Taxi!
Grams: explosion
SPRIGGS
Where to, Jim, where to, Jimmmmmm?
THYNNE
Drive me up the wall.
SPRIGGS
Wo, wo wo wo wo wo wo.
THYNNE
Thank you. How much?
SPRIGGS
That's four and six, pronounced --
Grams: Spriggs (pre-recorded) saying 'Tennnnnn Bob'
THYNNE
Right, take it out of this.
FX: Pistol shot
SPRIGGS
Thank you, Jim.
THYNNE
Moriarty, where's Neddie?
MORIARTY
In Scotland.
THYNNE
Right, let's go to him.
Grams: Whoosh. Bagpipes in distance.
NED
Hello, Grytpype, how nice to see you lads.
THYNNE
Bad news, Ned. Roll up your kilt.
FX: Whistle up
MORIARTY
Owwww owwwww.
THYNNE
Not too high, Ned...Gad, he's got it, Moriarty!
NED
Got what? What what?
THYNNE
You've got the Quodge.
NED
The Quodge? What's the symptoms?
THYNNE
It's bare knees covered with long underpants.
NED
I've got 'em, I've got the Quodge!
Grams: Harry (pre-recorded) screaming 'Helpppp!', running boots
Orchestra: Dramatic chords
PETER (Scottish)
The Quodge spread through Scotland like wild-fire. The hospitals were
full of Quodge victims. It was a terrible sight ter see those knees
covered with long underpants. So that the disease didna spread, a
great wall was built by the English ter keep the Quodge north of the
border. Contractor - Jim Hadrian.
Grams: Wind howling on moor. Distant bagpipes. Horse approaches.
SENTRY
Halt - Who goes there, the noo?
LALKAKA
Please do not shoot. We are two Indian gentlemen Western-style. We are
here to investigate the Quodge on behalf of the Indian Government.
SENTRY
Advance and be recognized.
BANAJEE
I don't see the point, sir. You have never seen us before, therefore
it is in the extreme of possibilities that you will recognize us.
LALKAKA
I must concur with Mr Banajee. I can recognize him and he in turn can
recognize me.
BANAJEE
There is much truth in what you way, Mr Lalkaka.
LALKAKA
Indeed, man, yes. Every morning I am arising from my charpoy and
looking in the mirror, I am seeing myself and I say 'Hello, there,
there you are again, my fine fellow.'
SENTRY
You'll both get a bullet up yer back if you're no away.
LALKAKA
Please, European soldier, let's explain we are selling ties.
FX: Shots, screams
Grams: Lalkaka and Banajee (pre-recorded) screaming in Hindu. Running
feet speeded up, like wet fish being slapped.
THYNNE
Well done, sentry, it's partriotism like that that's made Egypt what
it is today.
SENTRY
Oh, and what is it today?
MORIARTY
It's Thursday.
SENTRY
Oh, it's ma day off.
Grams: whoosh
THYNNE
Right, open the gates, Moriarty, and let the stricken masses through.
FX: Great bolt slides back quickly
Grams: Great yelling masses, bagpipes, all playing at speed
THYNNE
This way, Scottish people - don't panic - I have here on this stall a
cure for the Quodge.
Orchestra: A Rarararararararararar Rarrrr
FX: Till ringing up over and over again
THYNNE
Thank you - ta - ta - one over there...(fades behind--)
NED
Ha ha, the swine didn't recognize me - I got a bottle - what's it say?
Grams: Peter (pre-recorded) saying in idiot voice 'To cure the Quodge,
swallow the pills'
NED
Gad, a talking bottle...(gulps)
Grams: Peter (pre-recorded) saying in idiot voice 'Yes, now remove
long underpants'
FX: Ripping
NED
Gad, cured! Not a trace of long underpants left - but wait - bare
knees! I've got the Spon again!
THYNNE
I have the cure here.
FX: Till
NED
Swallow pill, pull on underpants - cured! Wait a minute - long
underpants? The Quodge!
WALLACE
Dinner is served, gentlemen.
NED
Oh, down to the old canteen, then. Goodnight, folks.
WALLACE
You can come out now, it's all over. Pronounced --
Grams: Wallace (pre-recorded) saying 'Overrrrrr'
Orchestra: Old Comrades March
--
Josh Hayes josh@cqs.washington.edu
Disc Golf Page: http://www.cqs.washington.edu/~josh/discgolf.html
Now, unlock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes,
and prepare for a period of simulated exhiliration