The Spon Plague

First broadcast on March 3, 1958

Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

The Characters

Mr Henry Crun Peter Sellers
Miss Minnie Bannister Spike Milligan
Dr. Neddie Seagoon Harry Secombe
Grytpype-Thynne Peter Sellers
Sergeant Throat Spike Milligan
Major Denis Bloodnok Peter Sellers
Eccles Spike Milligan
Count Jim ‘Kidney Wiper’ Moriarty Spike Milligan
Bluebottle Peter Sellers
Nurse Peter Sellers
Mate Peter Sellers
Mr Lalkaka Peter Sellers
Flutt Spike Milligan
Spriggs Spike Milligan
Mr. Banajee Spike Milligan
A Scottish sentry George Chisholm (special guest)

WALLACE

 This is the BBC Home Service. It might not sound much but (tearfully) it’s home to me. (Sings) We’ve been together nah fer forty years and it ain’t been a day ...

F.X.

 PISTOL SHOT

HARRY

 Got him, folks. It was the kindest way out. We had the vet’s permission. Now, folks, by permission of one of the Lord Chamberlain’s secretaries, we present …

ORCHESTRA

 TIMPANI ROLL (COME IN ON WORD ‘SECRETARY’)

SPIKE

 ‘The Great Spon Plague.’

ORCHESTRA

 DRAMATIC CHORDS (NEW ONES, PLEASE)

PETER

 My name is Doctor Hairy MacSquirter, Squirter MacSquirters of the Clan MacThud Thud and Jim Thudder of Leeds — our history goes back over half a decade. I’ve got nothing to do with tonight’s show, so I’ll bid ye all a guid night.

ORCHESTRA

 CHORD IN C. TATTY À LA PIT ORCHESTRA

WALLACE

 The scene opens in a granny-hurling factory in Tooting.

F.X.

 STONE CHISEL SCULPTING ON GRANITE. THEN HAMMERING IRON FROM THE FORGE

THYNNE

 (over the F.X.) Gad, it’s my masterpiece! Don’t move, Moriarty, keep that pose. How Michaelangelo would have envied me.

MORIARTY

 What are you making?

THYNNE

 A pill, Moriarty.

MORIARTY

 What — Sapristi — you mean you made me pose nude as a model for a pill?

THYNNE

 I wasn’t using all of you, just a certain area. Just round off the pill with sandpaper.

F.X.

 SHARP RUBBING WITH SANDPAPER OVER ABOVE SPEECH

THYNNE

 There — swallow it.

MORIARTY

 (gulps) Ah, what delicious sandpaper. Banana — the flavour of the month. Owwwwwwwwww, more!

THYNNE

 Listen, pay attention, you decimated, sparsely-haired French owner of a whopper. I have invented this pill to make us rich.

MORIARTY

 You mustn’t be too ambitious, Grytpype, we already own three pieces of brown paper and a conker.

THYNNE

 Don’t let that dazzle you. We must go on! Remember, ‘There comes a tide in the time of every man’s affairs’. You know who said that, Moriarty?

MORIARTY

 You did, I just heard you. Ah, yes — Shakespeare.

THYNNE

 Ignorant swine, it was Henery the Fifth, a great writer. You know the old Apollo Theatre?

MORIARTY

 Yes.

THYNNE

 Well, he wrote that. Now, get into this mass of chains.

F.X.

 CHAINS

THYNNE

 (without waiting for F.X.) Now stand on your head in this bucket of lukewarm water.

MORIARTY

 Ow ...

F.X.

 HEAD IN BUCKET OF WATER

THYNNE

 Now, I pour this bottle of rancid yak butter over your knees, so. Next, hold this copy of the Feathered World under your nose, and fit this cricket ball under your chin. There. Next, I haul you up to the ceiling.

F.X.

 QUICK WINCHING WHEN HE SAYS ‘HAUL UP’

MORIARTY

 (slightly alarmed) What are you going to do now?

THYNNE

 Just talk to you. Can you hear me talking?

MORIARTY

 Only in words.

THYNNE

 Splendid, my little thin-legged steamer. I shall use just words then.

MORIARTY

 It’s a miracle, I tell you.

THYNNE

 This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague.

MORIARTY

 Spon? Is it catching?

THYNNE

 I don’t know, no one’s ever had it.

MORIARTY

 You mean that yar yar yar boo the tar marg al lung tal mor pol tol nonl doll roll coll yar la backa ta la tickkiety takck a tooo?

THYNNE

 (excited) You have it in a nutshell!

MORIARTY

 But how do you know people are going to start catching the Spon Plague?

THYNNE

 Leave that to me ... I have certain arglers on the Splott mickledoooodle and the Blim blam bloo.

WALLACE

 And on that beautifully enunciated rubbish we move to ...

NED

 Me, folks, Neddie!

GRAMS

 OVATION

NED

 Ta. You get all free draws for Christmas. Now for a quick bath.

GRAMS

 SPLASH

NED

 Now, where’s that instruction manual, ‘Bath Night for Beginners’? Ahhh. Take soap in right hand and apply to all parts ... (Fade)

PETER

 (newsreel) This was the great National Health Surgeon, Ned Seagoon, who has just invented dirty necks ...

NED

 La ta ta ta teeeeee ... Flutt!

FLUTT

 Yeeeeees sir?

NED

 Ah, Jimmmm, stand in the sink and take a letter. First, what have I got in my diary this week?

FLUTT

 Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat.

NED

 Cancel them. I can’t see them till Sunday. Well, I’d better be getting down to the surgery.

GRAMS

 GETTING OUT OF BATH (TO GO WITH ABOVE DIALOGUE)

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

GRAMS

 SCREAMS

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS IN A HURRY

NED

 Ha ha — I forgot my clothes!

ORCHESTRA

 SHORT LINK, VERY WEIRD NOTES ALL OVER THE PLACE. UNFINISHED CADENCES, MELODY PASSES FROM INSTRUMENT TO INSTRUMENT WITH A KEY CHANGE AT THE SAME TIME

WALLACE

 The scene: Dr Seagoon’s National Health waiting-room.

GRAMS

 AGONIZED GROANS, SCREAMS. PEOPLE FALLING TO THE FLOOR. OCCASIONAL SNORING

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS

NED

 Ah, good morning, patients. Sorry to be so late, but I had to stop for a three month’s holiday in Paris.

NURSE

 Shall I send the first patient in?

NED

 Yes, darling. Remember, the rich ones first, National Healths last.

NURSE

 You first -- drop ‘em.

MATE

 Ta, nurse.

NED

 Now, what’s the trouble with you?

MATE

 I got the Shoo Shoo.

GRAMS

 CROWS

MATE

 I got a touch of the birds. Get off — shoo, birdies.

NED

 Gad, crows, starlings, pigeons — you’ll soon be the Man in the White Suit. Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, getting the bird is a common complaint.

MATE

 Yerst, I saw you last week at Coventry. ‘Ere, you do all right for fruit, don’t you.

NED

 It’s all lies, folks, I’m a great success.

MATE

 Well, how can I cure these birds, mate?

NED

 Soon have you well, just wear these bird-cages hanging on your legs. And take this bird-lime three times a second.

MATE

 Oh, lovely

NED

 Who’s next?

RAY

 The Ellington Quartet.

NED

 What’s wrong with him?

RAY

 This!

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET

 MUSIC

WALLACE

 What a terrible illness that must be. And now I have pleasure in announcing a knock at the door.

F.X.

 A KNOCK

NED

 I have pleasure in saying ‘Come in’.

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS

THYNNE

 Ah, dear Doctor Ned. I bring you a man stricken with a dread disease. He is Count Jim ‘Kidney Wiper’ —

F.X.

 SWANEE WHISTLE

THYNNE

 — Moriarty.

MORIARTY

 Owwww, save me, Doctor ...

NED

 Right, just lie face-down on this back. Now, just run a stethoscope over his pockets. Gad, this man is suffering from poverty. Take this bottle of pound notes and inject them into his wallet three times a day.

MORIARTY

 Owwwwwwwwww ... Lovely medicine.

THYNNE

 Dear Surgeon, you have overlooked one terrifying aspect of the dear Count’s condition. This man has the Spon Plague.

NED

 I’ve never heard of it.

THYNNE

 That’s because the Count is the first man to have caught it.

NED

 Are you sure?

THYNNE

 He has all the symptoms — namely, bare knees.

NED

 Is it catching?

THYNNE

 Yes — stand back! Too late — you’ve got it.

NED

 What what what what what?

THYNNE

 You’ve got the bare knees.

NED

 No I haven’t.

THYNNE

 Roll your trousers up.

F.X.

 WOODEN VENETIAN BLIND PULLED UP

THYNNE

 There — bare knees.

NED

 Ahhhhhhh — I’ve got the Spon!

GRAMS

 ABSOLUTE RUNNING AT HIGH SPEED IN ALL DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES SCREAMING ‘HELPPPP’. ALL DONE AT TOP SPEED. REPEAT TOP SPEED AND ON GRAMS — THAT IS, RECORDED RECORDS, PRE-RECORDED

WALLACE

 Even as Seagoon is stricken with Spon, the British Medical Council are quick to seek a cure.

GRAMS

 DUCK QUACKING

PETER

 (Wolfit) Aaah, and so, gentlemen, I must conclude by drawing your attention to the fact that the use of leeches is not only useless but harmful.

OMNES

 Paaah, ha, rubbish — man’s unbalanced. He’ll lose his stethoscope licence.

PETER

 (confident idiot of middle age) Hur, hur. Gentlemen, I maintain that I have used leeches for years, and not one of them has ever been ill.

HARRY

 Bravo, there’s proof.

PETER

 I might add that neither have I received any complaints from the patients’ next of kin.

GRAMS

 OLD MEN’S APPLAUSE

F.X.

 DOOR BURSTS OPEN

NED

 Stop stip stup stap stop. Gentlemen, grave news! A new malignant plague is upon us.

PETER

 Oh, gooooood. Business is looking up.

NED

 Who’s business is looking up?

PETER

 Bird-watchers. Ha he he

NED

 It’s the plague, I tell you, the fearful and fearsome plague.

SPIKE

 Splendid, we haven’t had a good plague for years.

PETER

 Yes, you get out of touch.

NED

 Gentlemen, every patient that I examined this morning at a nominal fee of twenty guineas has the Spon Plague. Even I have it at a nominal fee of two and sixpence. The symptoms are bare knees - roll your trouser legs up.

GRAMS

 SEVERAL WOODEN VENETIAN BLINDS BEING PULLED UP SHARPLY WITH A CLATTER

PETER

 Oh, dearrrr. We got it.

NED

 There’s only one cure. Try and run away from your knees!

GRAMS

 GREAT PROTESTING QUACKING BY DRAKES AND DUCKS. BOOTS RUNNING INTO DISTANCE

ORCHESTRA

 DRAMATIC CHORDS

WALLACE

 The Spon Plague spread like wild-fire. Everywhere people were going down with it. Several people went up with it, and one gentleman was known to have gone sideways with it. The country was in a turmoil as one Minister remarked —

PETER

 They’ve never had it so good.

WALLACE

 Meantime, in a new satellite town slum —

GRAMS

 RAIN POURING DOWN ONTO FLOOR, MUSICAL SOUND OF RAIN, DROPS PLOPPING INTO SMALL POOLS OF WATER

CRUN

 Oooh, dear ... dearrrr dearrrr ... oh dearrrr … Min? Modern Min?

MINNIE

 What is it, cocky?

CRUN

 Where have you put the roof?

MINNIE

 I sent it to the menders, it was leaking, cocky.

CRUN

 Oh, dearrrr. It’s freezing cold in here, Min.

MINNIE

 Well, sit nearer to Africa, it’s warmer there.

CRUN

 Oh yes! Nothing like an Africa to keep you warm, Mm.

WALLACE

 Yes, folks — do away with dirty coal — keep yourselves warm with Africa. Africa is now on sale to anyone who wants to make it a second India.

CRUN

 Hear that, Mm?

MINNIE

 They knock Africa down and build flats there.

CRUN

 I wish Disraeli was back.

MINNIE

 He will be, Henery, he’s just gone down to the shops.

F.X.

 KNOCK ON DOOR

MINNIE

 Ah, that’s him. Come in!

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS

MINNIE & CRUN

 Morning, morning.

CRUN

 Come in, Doctor Ned.

MINNIE

 How’s the Spon Plague?

CRUN

 Oh, Doctor, is there no cure?

NED

 None.

F.X.

 DOOR OPENS

THYNNE

 News, Ned. I’ve found the cure — this bottle of pills. Ten shillings, please.

F.X.

 TILL

THYNNE

 Ta, Ned, and a sailor’s farewell.

GRAMS

 QUEEN MARY’S HOOTER

NED

 And so saying, he went through the door and disappeared into the night.

THYNNE

 Did I? Well, I might have been told a bit sooner than this.

NED

 And so saying, he went through..

THYNNE

 Yes, they know...

NED

 So saying, I read the instructions on the pills. Take three paces south, stretch our right arm, roll down trouser legs.

F.X.

 WOODEN VENETIAN BLINDS ROLLING DOWN

NED

 Eureka! Huzza, folks, my bare knees have gone! Taxi!

GRAMS

 EXPLOSION

MATE

 Yerst, mate?

NED

 The Ministry of Health and Dirt, please.

MATE

 Ta.

GRAMS

 BLOODNOK THEME. BUBBLING CAULDRON. EXPLOSIONS

BLOODNOK

 Gad, I can’t send these to the laundry. There must be a cure for this. I can’t go in the street, I —

GRAMS

 EXPLOSION

BLOODNOK

 Ooooh, a taxi.

NED

 Yes, it’s the new type.

BLOODNOK

 Come in.

NED

 I am in.

BLOODNOK

 Oh, he am in.

NED

 Bloodnok, I’ve come here on business.

BLOODNOK

 It’s the quickest way. I always travel on business. Sit down.

F.X.

 DUCK CALL

BLOODNOK

 Eeehohhhhh ... Every chair a whoopee cushion. Now, here’s my brochure. And an interesting health picture of Sabrina.

NED

 Thank you, and here is a picture of her clothes.

BLOODNOK

 Good heavens, who’s that man inside ‘em?

ECCLES

 It’s me.

BLOODNOK

 Get out, you fool. Now, Ned. Ohhh, oh dear, that’s quite upset me.

NED

 Bloodnok, here’s a statue waiting to be unveiled.

F.X.

 HEAVY TEARING

BLOODNOK

 Oooh, it’s a statue of you saying —
   

GRAMS

 HARRY (PRE-RECORDED) SAYING ‘I’VE DISCOVERED A CURE FOR SPON PLAGUE’

BLOODNOK

 Thank you. And here is a wood carving of me saying

GRAMS

 BUBBLING CAULDRON. EXPLOSION

BLOODNOK

 Oooh, there must be a cure for it.

NED

 Yes, and that cure is these anti-Spon pills.

BLOODNOK

 Splendid. Now, sir, you’ll find my static water tank in the attic.

NED

 I’m not interested in your water tank.

BLOODNOK

 So, that’s your attitude. Well, sir, I’m not interested in your water tank.

NED

 What? You’re insulting the plumbing I love. Just for that, take that!

MAX

 (very loud) Ploogieeeee!

BLOODNOK

 It’s Max Geldray! Run for it.

GRAMS

 THUNDERING FEET INTO THE DISTANCE WITH SMALL EXPLOSIONS, AND SCREAMS BY BLOODNOK

MAX & ORCHESTRA

 MUSIC

WALLACE

 Max Geldray is now appearing at the St James’s Theatre. Mr Geldray will shortly be knocked down to make way for offices. I have great pleasure in announcing the chord of C.

ORCHESTRA

 CHORD IN C (NICE AND BIG)

GRAMS

 GREAT SHOVELLING OF MONEY. COINS EVERYWHERE — ROLLING ALONG THE GROUND

THYNNE

 Hear that sound, folks? Money — M-O-N-E-Y, pronounced —

GRAMS

 GRYTPYPE-THYNNE (PRE-RECORDED), SLIGHTLY FASTER, SAYING ‘MONEYYYYY’

MORIARTY

 Yes, Grytpype, the anti-Spon pills are selling like wild-fire. Ah hahahahahahah.

F.X.

 KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS

THYNNE

 Yes?

WALLACE

 Meantime, in a Government Laboratory.

THYNNE

 Thank you.

F.X.

 DOOR CLOSES

GRAMS

 FADE IN BUBBLING CAULDRON

MORIARTY

 Listen, I can hear the best brains that low wages can buy.

BLUEBOTTLE

 Don’t take any notice of dem, Eccles. Now, my man, to our works. Remember, we’re boy scientists working for our country. Picks up Union Jack, cleans boots.

ECCLES

 Here, Bottle, I got a rise yesterday.

BLUE BOTTLE

 How much?

ECCLES

 Tree inches.

BLUEBOTTLE

 Oh, what did you getted dat for, brainy?

ECCLES

 I wrote a tune.

BLUEBOTTLE

 Oh, play it, den.

ECCLES

 OK.

GRAMS

 HAMMERING OF NAILS IN WOOD

ECCLES

 Hoi!

BLUEBOTTLE

 Coo, I wish I was musical.

ECCLES

 Come on, den, now all join in the chorus.

GRAMS

 GREAT MASS OF HAMMERING NAILS IN WOOD AT DIFFERENT TEMPOS

WALLACE

 (over) What a grand sight to see the studio audience hammering nails into each other.

F.X.

 SPOT EFFECT CARRIES ON HAMMERING WITH THE ABOVE

BLUEBOTTLE

 ‘Ray for tunes! Now to the anti-Spon experiment. Roll up your trousers for the injection.

F.X.

 WOODEN BLIND ROLLED UP

BLUE BOTTLE

 Here, you’re cured — you ain’t got bare knees.

ECCLES

 No, I always wear long underpants.

BLUEBOTTLE

 Oh, den we got the answer to Spon.

ORCHESTRA

 DRAMATIC CHORDS

NED

 Yes, folks, the Ministry of Health acted immediately. Within thirty years everyone had been immunized with long woollen underpants.

MORIARTY

 Owwww, we’re ruined. R-U-I-N-E-D, pronounced —

GRAMS

 MORIARTY (PRE-RECORDED) SAYING ‘RUINEDDDDDDDD’

THYNNE

 (furious) Foiled by long woollen things, but I’ll get even, mark’ee. Taxi!

GRAMS

 EXPLOSION

SPRIGGS

 Where to, Jim, where to, Jimmmm?

THYNNE

 Drive me up the wall.

SPRIGGS

 Wo, wo wo wo wo wo wo wo.

THYNNE

 Thank you. How much?

SPRIGGS

 That’s four and six, pronounced —

GRAMS

 SPRIGGS (PRE-RECORDED) SAYING ‘TENNNNN BOB’

THYNNE

 Right, take it out of this.

F.X.

 PISTOL SHOT

SPRIGGS

 Thank you, Jim.

THYNNE

 Moriarty, where’s Neddie?

MORIARTY

 In Scotland.

THYNNE

 Right, let’s go to him.

GRAMS

 WHOOSH. BAGPIPES IN DISTANCE

NED

 Hello, Grytpype, how nice to see you lads.

THYNNE

 Bad news, Ned. Roll up your kilt.

F.X.

 WHISTLE UP

MORIARTY

 Oww owww.

THYNNE

 Not too high, Ned ... Gad, he’s got it, Moriarty!

NED

 Got what? What what?

THYNNE

 You’ve got the Quodge.

NED

 The Quodge? What’s the symptoms?

THYNNE

 It’s bare knees covered with long underpants.

NED

 I’ve got ‘em, I’ve got the Quodge!

GRAMS

 HARRY (PRE-RECORDED) SCREAMING ‘HELLPPPP~ RUNNING BOOTS

ORCHESTRA

 DRAMATIC CHORDS

PETER (SCOTTISH)

 The Quodge spread through Scotland like wild-fire. The hospitals were full of Quodge victims. It was a terrible sight ter see those knees covered with long underpants. So that the disease didna spread, a great wall was built by the English ter keep the Quodge north of the border. Contractor Jim Hadrian.

GRAMS

 WIND HOWLING ON MOOR. DISTANT BAGPIPES. HORSE APPROACHES

SENTRY

 Halt — who gaes theere, the noo?

LALKAKA

 Please do not shoot. We are two Indian gentlemen Western-style. We are here to investigate the Quodge on behalf of the Indian Government.

SENTRY

 Advance and be recognized.

BANAJEE

 I don’t see the point, sir. You have never seen us before, therefore it is in the extreme of possibilities that you will recognize us.

LALKAKA

 I must concur with Mr Banajee. I can recognize him and he in turn can recognize me.

BANAJEE

 There is much truth in what you say, Mr Lalkaka.

LALKAKA

 Indeed, man, yes. Every morning I am arising from my charpoy and looking in the mirror, I am seeing myself and I say ‘Hello, there, there you are again, my fine fellow.’

SENTRY

 You’ll both get a bullet up yer back if you’re no away.

LALKAKA

 Please, European soldier, let’s explain we are selling ties.

F.X.

 SHOTS. SCREAMS

GRAMS

 LALKAKA & BANAJEE (PRE-RECORDED) SCREAMING IN HINDU. RUNNING FEET SPEEDED UP, LIKE WET FISH BEING SLAPPED

THYNNE

 Well done, sentry, it’s patriotism like that that’s made Egypt what it is today.

SENTRY

 Oh, and what is it today?

MORIARTY

 It’s Thursday.

SENTRY

 Oh, it’s ma day off.

GRAMS

 WHOOSH

THYNNE

 Right, open the gates, Moriarty, and let the stricken masses through.

F.X.

 GREAT BOLT SLIDES BACK QUICKLY

GRAMS

 GREAT YELLING MASSES, BAGPIPES, ALL PLAYING AT SPEED

THYNNE

 This way, Scottish people don’t panic I have here on this stall a cure for the Quodge.

ORCHESTRA

 A RARARARARARARARAR RARRRR.

F.X.

 TILL RINGING UP OVER AND OVER AGAIN

THYNNE

 Thank you ta -— ta one over there ... (Fades behind —)

NED

 Ha, ha, the swine didn’t recognize me I got a bottle —- what’s it say?

GRAMS

 PETER (PRE-RECORDED) SAYING IN IDIOT VOICE ‘TO CURE THE QUODGE, SWALLOW THE PILLS’

NED

 Gad, a talking bottle ... (Gulps)

GRAMS

 PETER (PRE-RECORDED) SAYING IN IDIOT VOICE ‘YES, NOW REMOVE LONG UNDERPANTS’

F.X.

 RIPPING

NED

 Gad, cured! Not a trace of long underpants left —but wait — bare knees! I’ve got the Spon again!

THYNNE

 I have the cure here.

F.X.

 TILL

NED

 Swallow pill, pull on underpants — cured! Wait a minute — long underpants? The Quodge!

WALLACE

 Dinner is served, gentlemen.

NED

 Oh, down to the old canteen then. Goodnight, folks.

WALLACE

 You can come out now, it’s all over. Pronounced —

GRAMS

 WALLACE (PRE-R ECORDED) SAYING ‘OVERRRRRRRR’

ORCHESTRA

 OLD COMRADES MARCH