From: Moriarty Forum: GSD - Transcripts Posted: 13th Mar, 2004 10:28 Post subject: S09E03 The £1,000,000 Penny S09E03 - The £1,000,000 Penny From the TK version: “It’s all in the Mind, You Know” Originally broadcast: 17th November 1958 /…/ - Parts cut out of TS version _____________________________________________ GREENSLADE: This is the BBC /Light Programme. Harm it and you harm me. Semper fidelis, vivat John Snaggers! I will now swear an oath on the Radio Times/ SELLERS: Stop! Here is a warning: owing to an outbreak of fish in the Codswolds, all Tibetans with legs will be shot SPRIGGS: Take aim, fire! FX: Gunshot SECOMBE: Aaaa! You fool, Milligoon. I’m not a Tibetan SPRIGGS: Ooh, then why are you wearing legs, Jim? [Sings:] Why are you wearing legs? SECOMBE: People say they make me look taller SELLERS - AMERICAN: Yes, folks. Only legs will give you those extra inches. Buy a pair today! The new king size filter legs with a flip top knee! SPRIGGS: Never mind the flip flap knee, Jim. Where did you get those legs? SECOMBE: I bought them during a crawling tour of Bulgaria, you know. I was crawling… GRAMS: Explosion SECOMBE: Aaaaaeeeeeeaaaaahhhh! SELLERS: I will now say part two from a distance. [Off:] Part two from a distance! GREENSLADE: I say, this is The Story Of A Crime-Type Murder ORCHESTRA: Dramatic fanfare SELLERS: The scene: a watertight alibi in Chelsea, London WC FX: Door opens SEAGOON: Hands up! Nobody move! This camera is loaded with a fillem of bullets. ~~~~~~ Inspector Seagoon is the name. Ha ha. /Now which one of you sixty men is Rita Hayworth?/ /WILLIUM: We take it in turns, mate/ SEAGOON: /A constabule of the polis!/ Now tell me, what am I doing here? WILLIUM: Looking for a murderer SEAGOON: It’s a bit early for that WILLIUM: Ah – it’s a matinee, mate SEAGOON: Oh I see. Who’s playing the lead body? WILLIUM: So help me! Tom Pete is dead, matey SEAGOON: Pete, dead? deadbeat? That’s terrible! WILLIUM: Yes and it didn’t get a laugh either, did it MILLIGAN: Keep going, lads. The good ones are ahead /WILLIUM: I found the vicatim in the doorway of Val Parnell's wallet/ SEAGOON: Poor vicatim. C’est triste/ WILLIUM: /Triste yer./ By his body lay a sock full of jelly SEAGOON: Then we’re looking for a man wearing one sock and eating a jelly SPRIGGS: Curse, Jim! London’s full of them, Jim SEAGOON: Ah, inspector Tooth. Bad news for you. Your grandmother, Fred Pete, is dead SPRIGGS: Yes, I read about it in a newspaper SEAGOON: He didn’t die in a newspaper, mate. He was found under a copy of The Poultry Gazette! SPRIGGS: Poultry Gazette? I suspect fowl play! SEAGOON: I suspect old jokes, hup! SPRIGGS: Constable, arrest all olds Jokes WILLIUM: Right. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! I arrest you! Got him SPRIGGS: Good man. Gentlemen, I think this person who did this sock jelly murder was a master criminule. Is anything missing? WILLIUM: Yes, he is SEAGOON: So, he got away with himself. He got AWAY with himself. That’s better, that’s more like it. He must’ve been using the new king size legs. /Anything else gone?/ /WILLIUM: Ten volumes of Diana Dors in 3D/ /SEAGOON: What? Arrest all musclemen and search them for books of Diana Dors. And while your about it, search Diana Dors for musclemen/ /WILLIUM: Oh. I'll get me appliance, mate/ SPRIGGS: /Stop! Willium, put that inspection light./ Now tell me, where did you find this sock full of jelly, Jim? WILLIUM: On top of the Eiffel Tower SPRIGGS: Sooooo! We’re looking for a tall Frenchmen, or a short Frenchmen standing on a chair with long arms/, or a short ~~~~ man facing east with the long arms. Etcetera / /SEAGOON: [Gibberish] It could’ve been a tall man sitting down with long arms, you know/ /SPRIGGS: Yeah. Shhhh!/ /SEAGOON: What are you listening for?/ /SPRIGGS: Laughs, Jim. What’s the matter with them tonight?/ /SEAGOON: You’ve had it too easy in Australia/ WILLIUM: Inspector. I’ve just been consulting my date book… SEAGOON: And? WILLIUM: I haven’t eaten one for weeks. Oooow! SEAGOON: Arrest that man for old jokes WILLIUM: Here, steady oooh… SPRIGGS: Gentlemen, gentlemen… SEAGOON: Shut up, you twit! SPRIGGS: …Please. Seagoon, outside WILLIUM: Gentlemen… FX: Whistle WILLIUM: Ah! GREENSLADE: Half time, lads SEAGOON: Ta GREENSLADE: And as the players run off the field for a £10,000 transfer fee, on come the band of the royal Max Geldray GELDRAY: Oh boy, at last, a break! MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: “Please Be Kind” GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know. Very good indeed! ORCHESTRA: Long dramatic link GREENSLADE: Ta. The Sock Jelly Murder: part two SEAGOON: Stop, stop! Hello folks, hello folks, good news, folks. Whilst Max Geldray was playing, they captured the sock jelly murderer. A man called Arthur Plin GREENSLADE: I say that’s a bit disappointing for the listeners THROAT: Never mind, folks. We fill in the time with Ned the Miser GRAMS: Howling wind CORNISHMAN (SELLERS): Arrrrr earrrr. You hear that naughty wind? ‘Tis the wind that blows over the Kenneth Moors of the wintertime. People do say that if you holds a nergle in your ‘and and puts one ear hole to the ground, you can hear the wind blowing in the other ear hole. And that’s the house of Miser Ned. Maharharhar harharharhar! GRAMS: Howling wind up and out SEAGOON: Aaaaa ha ha ha! Jeeves, throw another unpaid bill in the fire and while you’re about it, throw on a couple of unpaid Freds. Hahaha! The money and power! That’s what I’ve got. Ha. What else have I got? GRAMS: Howling wind SEAGOON: The wind! Aaaah! Jeeves, here’s a pencil, go and draw the blinds JEEVES (MILLIGAN): I arrest you for old jokes SEAGOON: That was in the Sock Jelly Murder. That’s over. I’m acting(?) ~~~~~~~~. Hahahahaha! Jeeves, pull out the Seagoon’s horde of coins FX: One coin drops to floor SEAGOON: Now back in the safe with it! Hahahaha! One penny, hahaha, and it’s tax-free. Hahahahahahaha haahaahaha ha, [chokes] GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime, with the aid of an ear-trumpet, two men have heard of Miser Ned’s penny, and were heading that way along the old moor road GRAMS: Horse gallops pulling carriage, screech of breaks, chicken noises GRYTPYPE: Coachman! Coachman, why have we stopped? SINGHIZ: Chickens are tired, sir GRYTPYPE: But gentlemen, my brown paper parcel and I must have shelter for the night. Our underwear is porous MORIARTY: Alaga… GRYTPYPE: Shut up, you SPRIGGS: Hands up! Hands up, everyone except me GRYTPYPE: Blast! It's Ben Turpin. the cross-eyed highwaymen SPRIGGS: Wrong, Jim. We are uncross-eyed Bow Street runners, and we’re looking for a criminal ventriloquist and his French dummy, Jim GRYTPYPE: I’m sorry, sir, but we’re clean out of criminal ventwiloquists. Try the stage coach further down the road. They may stock them SPRIGGS: Right, Jim GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out GRYTPYPE: Alright, dear count, you can come out now, they’ve gone FX: Rattling paper MORIARTY: Aah! There must be a better way of travelling than this WILLIUM: I thought so! You’ve been tryin’ to ride free MORIARTY: Nonsense, nonsense, nice man. Nonsense ~~~~~. I’m a ventriloquist dummy, hahaha! WILLIUM: You’re real, you talks. And look, you’ve got dandruff on your nut MORIARTY: I tell you, it’s his GRYTPYPE: Of course it’s mine. Not only do I throw my voice, I also throw my dandruff MORIARTY: That is true ~~~~~~~ WILLIUM: I shall have to take down your names… GRAMS: Spludge! WILLIUM: Oow, I’ve been sponned, oow! MORIARTY: Right in his old bazolika dowser(?)! Hahaha GRYTPYPE: Yes, but you’d better unscrew that lump on his nut. We don’t want to leave any evidence MORIARTY: Right. Look, Grytpype, there. 4000 miles away, a house with a light in it GRYTPYPE: And it smells delicious. Go and bring the front door here and I’ll cover you with this forty-five caliber(?) sing MORIARTY: ~~~~~~~ GRAMS: Running footsteps fading away GRYTPYPE: [Sings a sorrow tune for about 15 sec.] GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in MORIARTY: (Ha ha ha ha!) Here, complete with two spare door knockers, one door GRYTPYPE: What? Hand me my door knocking hat FX: Doing! MORIARTY: Ha! GRYTPYPE: Now to arouse the occupants FX: Knock on door HENRY CRUN: [Off:] Coming, coming! FX: Footsteps approaching slowly (for 20 sec.) MORIARTY: He’s coming, sir. He’s coming FX: Rattling chains and locks HENRY CRUN: Aaah! Now who was that knocking? MORIARTY: It was my friend, Grytpype-Thynne HENRY CRUN: I can’t see him MORIARTY: That’s because you are playing him HENRY CRUN: What? MORIARTY: He’s never here when you’re here HENRY CRUN: I don’t understand MORIARTY: Neither do the audience, that’s why it isn’t getting a laugh HENRY CRUN: Very quiet this evening MORIARTY: Now listen, old man. We are stranded, you know, stranded HENRY CRUN: What? MORIARTY: Yes, our stage coach was suddenly taken ill with a dreadful… SEAGOON: Mr Crun! Close that door a… I say, who are these three women? HENRY CRUN: These three women are two men! SEAGOON: Oooh! GRYTPYPE: Sir, we are fleeing from the advancing German army SEAGOON: Eh? They gave it in 1945 GRYTPYPE: Ah yes, but we are made of sterner stuff, sir SEAGOON: I don’t like this at all SEAGOON: Two strange men arriving in a mist during an equinox of the shins of the anniversary of my legs? Ha. Oh no, it bodes evil, I tell you. There’s an old Gypsy saying… I just can’t think of it at the moment GRYTPYPE: Sir, my card SEAGOON: Mr Grytpype-Thynne, king of England, knighthoods done while you wait? You’re the king? GRYTPYPE: My word, yes MORIARTY: That is true, Ned SEAGOON: How do you know my name? MORIARTY: I met it at a dance SEAGOON: Who are you? MORIARTY: Pretender to the throne of France! SEAGOON: You don’t look like a king MORIARTY: That’s because I’m only pretending FX: Slap MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow! GRYTPYPE: Pardon the steam king, Neddie, he’s never been the same since the fall of France SEAGOON: Why not? MORIARTY: It fell on me, that’s why! FX: Slap MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow! [French gibberish] GRYTPYPE: Quiet, you steaming idiot! MORIARTY: [French gibberish] GRYTPYPE: Phish too! Now, Ned, you’re rich, yes? SEAGOON: How did you know? GRYTPYPE: Moriarty was feeling inside your pockets and he heard you had money SEAGOON: Ha ha ha ha! See this penny? I own it! MORIARTY: A penny. Both sides? SEAGOON: Yes, hard to believe, eh? Haha! No no! Put down that sock full of jelly, no! ~~~~~~~! GRAMS: Spludge! SEAGOON: Aaaaaeeeehuuuh! MORIARTY: Timbeeer! GRAMS: Tree crashes down GRYTPYPE: Good work, steam count. Unscrew his legs so he can’t follow us. Now for the palot. Dear listeners, this penny is valuable. You see, it has been left a million pounds in the will of Neddie’s grandmother. All we have to do now is finish granny GREENSLADE: Very good, lads. Meantime, forty-thousand miles away in a daub and wattle hut in Mongolia, Ray Ellington is about to play a contortionist in E flat RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “That’s My Girl” GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime as Ned the Miser lies unconscious in a pool of unconsciousness, a fiend poacher is at work in the grounds ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme GRAMS: Bubbling water under gunshots BLOODNOK: Aaaarough! Aaaaarrough! Aaaaaaouh! Aeough! Ooh, that’s better. [Sings:] Oh Dennis, you eat tonight, that is what you’ll do. You eat tonight. [Stops singing] Now where’s me butler’s revenge frying pan? Ah here FX: Rattling pans BLOODNOK: [Sings:] Deee dee dee deeeee. Little fishes from the sea. I’m gonna cook you tonight, my dear. Hooo! ECCLES: [Off:] My friend, my man! BLOODNOK: What, what, what? ECCLES: Don’t you know you’re not allowed to shoot fish BLOODNOK: Scron me lip glons! What t… Who are you, sir? Explain away that tatty body and those Jacobean legs, please ECCLES: They’re mine BLOODNOK: What? ECCLES: I’m Mad Dan Eccles BLOODNOK: Well that explains everything, but it doesn’t help me at all. Well I deny having shot any fish ECCLES: Aooooooh! I saw you point your gun at that river, and you… BAAANG! [3 sec. pause] You did that BLOODNOK: What? But I wasn’t shooting naughty fish ECCLES: Oh yeah? BLOODNOK: I was shooting the river ECCLES: Shooting the river? BLOODNOK: Of course ECCLES: [Up at mike:] There’s something funny going on here BLOODNOK: Come away from that audience, Eccles. You don’t know where they’ve been. I can explain everything, Eccles. There’s been a terrible drought in Bagshot and the lads sent me out here to shoot some water. You’ve heard of a Water Shoot, haven’t you, Mad Dan? ECCLES: No, but I heard of a piece of knotted string BLOODNOK: Oh. Well, it’s like a piece of knotted string, only it’s called a Water Shoot ECCLES: Ohhooooogooo BLOODNOK: I don’t think you’re quite with it, you know. /However, I’ll play it to you/ /ECCLES: Play it to me/ /-GRAMS: Piano accompanies Bloodnok in a 32 sec. rendition of “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary” as follows:/ /-BLOODNOK: It's a long, long way to Tipparary, It's a military way to go, A long, long way to Tipparary/ /-FX: Gunshot/ /-BLOODNOK: AaahOoooh! To that Swedish girl I know/ /-FX: Gunshot/ /-BLOODNOK: That's not the girl I love ~~~ 'cause my heart lies there/ /-FX: Gunshot/ /-BLOODNOK: A long, long way to Tipparary, 'cause that's were I wonna be/ /-FX: Gunshot, followed by explosion over.../ /-BLOODNOK: Aaawhooh!/ /BLOODNOK: There!/ /ECCLES: That was a Water Shoot?/ /BLOODNOK: In the key of E flat, there’s no law against shooting water, I tell you/ ECCLES: Oh no? BLOODNOK: No ECCLES: I’d better look in my little book and see what is says FX: Flipping paper in a book ECCLES: This book belongs to Eccles. OK, you’re in the clear. Yeah. You’re still trespassing though. I’d better take your name down BLOODNOK: My name? Oh ECCLES: Come on now BLOODNOK: Well I, um – Mrs Elizabeth Thuinge ECCLES: Mrs El – You are woman? BLOODNOK: Er – Quite so, yes, yes, yes ECCLES: Ooooooooohohohoho! BLOODNOK: Stay away from me ~~~~~~! GRAMS: Splash! LITTLE JIM: He’s fallen in the water! ECCLES: We’d better run and tell the master LITTLE JIM: We’d better run and tell the master! ORCHESTRA: Dramatic and long link SEAGOON: Aaah! Ohohoh! Struck down! Aaooh! AAAAAaahohohoho! In me prime yet! Oooohho! oooohho! Hoh GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. That was Mr Seagoon playing Ned the Miser, still unconscious, but, luckily, the long player of his groans have reached the top ten, and a band of young stalwarts are on the way GRAMS: Fast marching music for 13 sec. BLUEBOTTLE: Men, halt! GRAMS: Stop BLUEBOTTLE: Falls on the ground from the shoulders put there GRAMS: Planks on top of each other. Someone saying: Ha! BLUEBOTTLE: Men of the third Finchley Wolfscubs… Dung Sproley, don’t do that. We are known as the women savers. Our duty is to crush vice(?) in Finchley GRAMS: Little boys shouting: Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip ray hip ray hip ray! BLUEBOTTLE: Crush all vice(?) and leave just enough for us. Now, men, breathing exercise. In… GRAMS: Boys breathing in BLUEBOTTLE: Ay, Plunton! Draw your stomach in like this FX: Sliding whistle going down BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh my trousers! MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Young Bluebottle! Stop that modern-type entertainment at once BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh, it’s Granny Min from Eastbourne. Hello, Granny Min from Eastbourne MIN BANNISTER: Hello Young Bottle from Plunge. Your dinner’s in the oven FX: Door opens SEAGOON: Aaaaoooooh! Struck down by sock jelly! Aaaaah! MIN BANNISTER: It’s Neddie! Ooh, he looks a drun. Neddie, let me smell your breath. [Sniffs] Neddie, you’ve been eating again SEAGOON: Aaaaaah ooooooo! MIN BANNISTER: Throw away that bottle of vintage food SEAGOON: Oooh! Granny Min – back from the dead! How long are you staying? MIN BANNISTER: Me dead? Who said soooooo? SEAGOON: The man I paid to knock you off. I mean aaaadododoooo! BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min, he wants to do you in, Min SEAGOON: Shut up, you nutty nit or I’ll… BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min is gonna belt me with that dirty big saw! SEAGOON: It’s only made of rubber, lad MIN BANNISTER: Throw it away FX: Saw hitting floor MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! HENRY CRUN: Sir, sir, the gamekeeper is outside with a bucket of dead water, sir ECCLES: Hello, master. This man’s been shooting at your water BLOODNOK: I warn you, Ned the Miser. I’ll sue you for every penny I owe you, and… Ooooooooh! MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooh! BLOODNOK: Oooh oooooooooooooh! MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooh! BLOODNOK: Oooh [with octave:] oooooooooooh! MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! BLOODNOK: Ooooohohohoho! SEAGOON: What’s on the other side? BLOODNOK: Silence, please. What? It can’t be. Is it? MIN BANNISTER: Is it? It is. Dennis, isn’t it? BLOODNOK: Yes, dear heart. Ooooh! And you, my childhood sweetheart number 3-4-5 MIN BANNISTER: Oooh! Then you remember… BLOODNOK: Of course I remember, my dear. I have a memo on my shin MIN BANNISTER: Oooooh! Dennis, ooooh! Then you do remember me BLOODNOK: Of course, darling. You’re Fred Puker, the dustman from Leeds MIN BANNISTER: Ooh no. Ooh no. I’m Minnie Bannister, the millionairess from Tring BLOODNOK: Tring, oh even better. Ooh, how well I remember the place, Tring. Tring Tring Tring FX: Door opens ELLINGTON: You rang, sir? BLOODNOK: What? Get out, will you MIN BANNISTER: But he’s very good BLOODNOK: Yes, very good MIN BANNISTER: Very small part, thank you BLOODNOK: Thank you MIN BANNISTER: Next week, Manchester BLOODNOK: Come, Min. Let me hold you close MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Steady now! BLOODNOK: Now… GRAMS: Steamer! BLOODNOK: Aeough! ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link GRAMS: Gust of wind, two clock chimes GREENSLADE: That was two clocks striking one independently and the wind is on loan. In the great Baronial phone box, Ned the Miser is plotting to destroy Min SEAGOON: Mr Crun, two o clock. Time for your revenge HENRY CRUN: Alright, we must save my modern Min from ancient Bloodnok SEAGOON: Yes, here, put this bomb in his coffee HENRY CRUN: Won’t it keep him awake? SEAGOON: It will explode him! Hahahahaha! HENRY CRUN: But Bloodnok is used to explosions SEAGOON: Not this kind, mate. Off you go. Hahaha. The moment he explodes, I’ll force the old dear to change the will in my favour. Hahahahaha! Hum hum. Hahahahahaa! GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. And so Mr Secombe overacts his way into another summer season at Scunthorpe. Meantime, outside the manor, the counter-plot is about to begin ORCHESTRA: Showbiz link MORIARTY: Grytpype, we’re on GRYTPYPE: Yes. Look, there’s a light in Min’s window. Load the grandmother gun MORIARTY: And don’t forget, don’t shoot ‘till you see the whites of her corsets GRYTPYPE: Let’s toss for who does it MORIARTY: Let’s use the rich penny GRYTPYPE: Yes, heads or tails? MORIARTY: Yes, up she goes FX: Rattling coin BLOODNOK: Ooooh! Come out, Min, or… hu! FX: Coin in mug BLOODNOK: Ooh! I’ve swallowed a penny, I’m rich MORIARTY: Oh dear, don’t panic, sir. Let’s have a drink together BLOODNOK: What a fine idea MORIARTY: Cheers to you and your penny BLOODNOK: Oh. Caster oil, ooh! And after that coffee, no no! SEAGOON: Did you say coffee? HENRY CRUN: Has he drunk it yet, sir? MORIARTY: I… GRAMS: Long explosion FX: Coin falls to floor BLUEBOTTLE: Hey. Eccles? ECCLES: Yeah? BLUEBOTTLE: There’s a penny. Let’s go buy lollypops, shall we? ECCLES: Yeah ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: [Sing “Pop Goes the Weasel” Fades out] GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know. And Yes they appear to have finished, so everyone back to their own beds. Goodnight GRAMS: Wailing ORCHESTRA: “Old Comrades March” /GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know, very good indeed!/ /RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “I’m Beginning to See the Light”/ Last edited by Moriarty on 14th Jun, 2004 10:42; edited 3 times in total