This is the BBC Light Programme. Now here is a variation on that. This is The BBC Light Programme.

The old night school's paying off there, Wal.

Yer, chat on more on it there Wal lad! Give us a bit more of the posh chat der.

I continue my recital of announcements. The BBC is open to the public on Thursdays and Wednesday afternoons, or, on Wednesday afternoons and Thursdays.

Thank you Jim. Now here folks is Chief Ellinga Yingtoo to say Thursday in Swahili.

Mala toola yo, yarga toola marngo, tula mar gar... Oota mei chicka ofagula tolm... What?

You see how long the days are in Africa folks. Tonight... Forward Mr Seaside with your New Year's resolutions.

Thank you. Hello folks, hello folks, it is me folks, folks, it is me! Next year folks, I hope to give up 1958 - permanently!

Ungrateful beast, after 1958 all it's done for you, you discard it like an old boot, I won't hear it.

Let me warn you hairy sir, of the many dangers and donjers of keeping on old years after it's worn out. Mrs Greenslade's husband will now tell you why.

It was the year 1907 and here is the orchestra to play it.

Ohhh what a year that was... The South African war had broken out and was now in its second year...

Knock knock knock on a door in Africa.

Knock knock on a door in Africa... Gad, that's the address of my door - come in!

Effects door opens.

Ahhh 'effects Ahhh'.

May I introduce myself?

Of course.

Seagoon (announcing):

Ladies and Gentlemen! The man in the blue corner is Neddie Seagoon.

Seagoon (normal):

Thank you. I'm 5th Lieutenant Seagoon reporting from Sandhurst SW9.

Oh, sit down on that chair in Africa SE16.

Thank you. I was told to hand this envelope to you with a hand...

Oh... Pronounced...

Oh, these are your secret orders.

What do they say?

Standddddd attttttt... Ease..!

Seagoon (relieved):

Oh, that feels much better sir!

Yes, and it suits you what's more. Now to military matters, of milt. Captain Jampton?

Ahhh... Sorry I'm late sir, I... Was quelling a native with ah... Quells.

You'll get the military piano and bar for this, ah... Now explain the victorious positions of our defeated troops.

Ah... Intelligence ah... Has established that ah... The people attacking us ar.. Are... The enemy.

So - that is their fiendish game is it?

Gentlemen, do the enemy realise that you have this information?

No no, we got 'em fooled, they think they're the enemy!

...What a perfect disguise!

Ha ha ha, yes you see Lieutenant Seagoon we have a plan of a plin of a plon of a ploof. The South Africans are magnificent fighters, and it's our intention to persuade them to come over to our side.

Then that would finish the war sir!

Oh no. Ha ha ha. Oh dearie no!

Then how would you keep it going?

My dear sir; England is never short of enemies!

Of course not the waiting room's full of 'em. Now Seagoon, sit down, tell me what's the time back in England?

Twenty to four sir.

Ah... It's nice to hear the old time again... Singhiz?

Yes sir?

Get out of here now will you! You see, Seagoon, how bad things are! That banana for instance... It's only been eaten once, and look at it!

But sir, back in England they told me all was well.

Back in England, all is well. It's here where the trouble lies.

Bloodnok (over above):

Oh - what the - eh - what?

Well... I think I'll pull-up here.

I say you, you with the apparent teeth.

Oh, a soldier man... Hello soldier... Bang... Bang... Bang Bang... Bang - You're dead soldier!

Let me talk to him. I speak Idiot fluently... [Does Eccles impression] Ow, hello Ecclesss!

Oh?... You're from the old country..! Oh hohohi [aside to audience] Somebody else from the Old Country eh? Well I wish they were back there!

Neddie, allow me to humour him with this mallet.

No no no, leave it to me. [As Eccles] Tell us Mad Dan, wha' are you doing in Africa..?

'What are you doing in Africa' I translated. I'm here as an adviser to the British Army!

[As Eccles] Splendid, what are you going to advise them?

Not to take me.

Oh, I respect your cowardice, it warms my heart and gives old Denis a real smart idea. Come over here and warm yourself by this Recruiting-Sergeant.

'Ello 'ello 'ello my lad, you look a likely lad.

Hello, hello, hello my laddddd. Yourn loonk linke a ohn...

Very gude, very gude... Now 'ere lad, 'ow would you like to 'ave a grandstand view of the opening night of the Battle of Spion Kop dere.

Here just a moment Sergeant... Spion Kop! He can have my place I tell you!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho?

Yes, just by chance Sergeant I have a vacant uniform in the front rank, he'll see everything from there.

Now then, you 'eard that very fair offer from the nice Major dere.

He's a nice Major...

Yes...

...He's a nice man. How much do you want for dat?

Well, it’s usually it's free, but just this once it will be seven shillings, so ah shall we say a pound?

A pound?

You said it.

Oh... I've only got a five-pound note.

Well, I'll take that and you can pay me the other four later.

Oh, the old Military till.

You're a very lucky lad there Eccles.... I'll have a regiment call for you at six tomorrow morning. Meantime here is the well known 'Conks' Geldray. A sittin' target!

Boy, in the war my conk holds its own.

At dawn the British attack was mounted, not very well stuffed but beautifully mounted. Then suddenly through the stilled British front line, a lone voice is heard.

Lucky charms... Get your lucky charms before the battle... Get your lucky charms boys. [Sings] Get your self a charm today, and save yourself from harm today.

Here... 'ere mate, charm man? 'Ere.

What is it merry drummer man?

Them charms, are they any cop mate?

Ah, they're... They're real cop mate - Nelson brought one for Waterloo.

He... He weren't at Waterloo.

Of course not, he was in my shop buying a charm. You see how lucky they are?

How much is a good one then?

Well certainly, what part don't you want to be wounded in?

I don't want any of me parts wounded in.

I know, you want the all parts comprehensive charm!

Hurry up then - how much?

Three shillings, it's a real bargain with barg...

There snail eater - I pins it on me chest so me chest won't get killed.

Owwwwwwwwwwww mateeeeeeeee...

Good shot Grytpype!

Unpin the lucky charm and back on the tray with it. Off you go Morantilly.

Yes sir - Charms, second hand lucky charms. [Fading] Only used once before...

There he goes, a true son of France and Hyde Park. Who knows what mystic thoughts are whispering in the mossy glades of his krutty shins.

I say, do you mind taking your hat off, old chap? The battle's about to begin, and we can't see you know.

["Fire!" - Battle starts - First the volleys of musketry, then distant cannons. The return fire of the enemy is even more distant. Fade down and under. Fade in Big Ben chiming. Fade.]

Gentlemen of the house, the Battle of Spion Kop opened last night.

Here Here! Long Live the Empire!

Ahh, but I fear it got very bad notices in the Press.

You're not thinking of taking it off are you, Mr Prime Minister?

Well, unless Robert Morley puts some money in I can see no other way...

But what about Binkie and his backers, they'll lose all their money.

Patience sir, patience. We have here Lieutenant Seagoon...

Have we?

...Who will proceed to give us the reasons for the disaster.

Thank you, Honourable Members. The reason for it flopping was obvious... There isn't one decent song in the whole battle.

Sellers (as anot her stat):

But soldier fellow, the Battle of Spion Kop isn't a musical you!

And that's where we went wrong. If the Americans had been running it they'd have had Rex Harrison, and the other wrecks.

Do you know any good composers of battle songs and scores?

Just by chance and careful planning, I have an Auntie in Grimsby who sits amongst the cabbages and plays an elastic water tank under supervision.

I didn't know there were any of her kind left you know. Now off you go and tell your auntie the good news.

Henry Crun (over hammering mutters):

Ohh, dear... There... Now that's got the spoons in fine-spoons fettle Min.

'Na ahah, ahah, aliah, ah' Now Min, get inside the piano and select me a tuning A.

Again Min.

Oh, they don't make pianos like that any more.

Isn't it time we had it shorn Henry?

No, not yet Min, the winters are not upon us, you know. Hand me my knuckle oils.

Now Crun rub it well into the knuckles... I’ve get it mixed with Indian brandyyy! Rub it in!

Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister:

Oh Min...

Henry Crun (muttering over):

It's no good Min, I've got flat-feet in the third knuckle you know Min. Ah well - Now to try for the Pajanynee variations for spoons arranged - Crun!

Stop! Stop stop! This spoon is out of tune, Min. Have you been eating with it again?

No.

Then what's that your stirring the soup with?

A violin.

She's always got an answer the old cow. Now to compose the last tune for the battle of Spion Kop!

Minnie Bannister and Henry Crun:

Aaaaaahhh! Aaaaaahhh! Ellinga... turn the volume of that battle down.

Major! The enemy are...

Aaaahh!

Good heavens, he's gone. Ah! Here are his boots. They're still warm - he can't be far.

Aaahhh, there ain't nobody here but us chickens I tell you.

The voice came from a cowardly red-face on the top of a chicken wardrobe.

Oh, it's you Seagoon, you you coward.

Why have you deserted your post?

It's got woodworm sir.

Old jokes won't save you.

They've saved Monkhouse and Goodwin, well that's good enough for me.

Major...

What?

...There's still hope.

Oh! Where?

Seagoon:

Crun's vital battle songs have arrived.

It won't be easy sir, the enemy have just attacked in E-Flat and we had to retire to G-Minor.

Never mind sir, these old songs are all written in six-sharps.

The most powerful brown key of them all. Get Ellinga and his Zulu bones to dash off a chorus towards the enemy.

Fiiiiire!

Ray Ellington and his Quartet:

At dawn under cover of daylight we took up our positions with our teeth blacked out.

Every man had his ammunition pouches bulging with offensive military songs and spoons at the ready.

Right. We'll just have to sit and wait.

Bluebottle:

Do you tink we're gonna win, Captain?

Never was victory more certain little lad.

Oh... Then why have you got that taxi waiting for you at the end of the trench.

Ha ha... Well here's half-a-crown little lad. I think we can forget all about it now.

No... I can't forget about it.

Ahh! I’ve forgotten about it!

Now explain to me why you're lying down two-inches below the level of the ground and speaking through a tombstone.

Well, I was doing an impression of a zebra crossing when... Squelch! A taxi ranned over me breaking both my boots above the wrist.

What agony igony ogony oogany mahogany... Did it hurt you?

No because I'm making it all up. Ha hee...

Taxi!

Oooh! You've taxied me. Look, the Christmas strings coming off my legs.

Swallow this first-aid book and custard. I'll have your legs relacquered free and exported to Poland.

You're a fair man, sir... Merryl Kribynss.

Ooh, Bottle. What you doing under that taxi?

It ran over me, Eccles.

You must be rich... I can only afford to be run over by buses.

Well my man when you're in the big money you know, you can do things like this.

You see, one day I'll have enough money to be run over by a Rolls-Royce with a chauffeur.

Well, pull me out then.

Right-o. Hold this.

What is it?

I don't know, but I got it cheap.

Let me see what you got cheap?

Good heavens! It's a genuine hand operated 1914 tiger!

Seagoon, put that tiger back in its stripes... We don't want any scandals during ladies night.

Pardon me, sir. All the men are ready with their music.

Good, let's have those spoons then lad.

Oooh... What a terrifying sound. It's a good job nobody heard it.

Now men, to your military Crun music and take up your vocal positions with your voices facing outwards.

And don't sing men until you see the whites of their song sheets. Are you ready? Bugler, sound the elephant.

Ohhh!

Here they come now, sir.

Quick, me spoons and me music. I'll show 'em!

[Shouts] Come on you fools, there's more of this where that came from. [continues singing] 'Off we go and fight the foe.' [shouts] Sing up lads!

Run for it lads... Oooh, these songs aren't bullet proof!

Grams:

That's far enough lads, where are we?

The South Pole sir.

Well, no further, we don't want to back into them. Oh... Plant the Union Jack will you? The national flag of the Union of Jacks. I claim the South Pole in the name of Gladys Pills of 13 The Sebastibal Villas, Sutton.

Who is she, sir?

I don't know, but obviously we're doing her a big favour.

There's still a chance of victory. Look what I've got in the brown paper parceL

Good heavens white paper, what a glorious victory for England.

Look under the stamp.

What? A fourteen-inch naval gun.

And guess what's in the barrel?

I've no idea.

Major, inside the barrel are photographs of a British military dinner.

Really... Keep it going lads, keep it going.

I intend to fire that photograph at the enemy canteen during their lunch break. When they see the size of British military dinners, they'll desert.

I know... Half our men deserted when they saw the size of 'em. However it's worth a try. Take aim... Fire!

Ehhh... That's the last time I kip in a barrel, I tell you. Collapses, and is left out of show from now onwards. Goodnight everybody.

Oh... By popular request I come back again.

Aie!

All we can do is to wait and see what effect that photograph of a military dinner has on the enemy. Meantime - a sound effect.

Meantime in Parliament the British Government had written off the Battle of Spion Kop as a dead loss.

Gentlemen, urn, um... To save face and the honour of England, we're going to bring back that old favourite urn, ah... The Battle of Waterloo.

Gentlemen, we shall send out immediate notification to the original cast.

Mon Emperor, wake-up!

How dare you wake the Emperor Napoleon up in the middle of his retirement.

Wonderful nouvelle wonderful news... By special request we have to do an encore of the Battle of Waterloo.

Moriarty Bonaparte:

What... But we lost it.

This time we've got a British backer.

Sapristi nabolas! Get my trousers oiled and unwrap a fresh Josephine... Ahh, there's going to be fun tonight in the camp!

Down Emperor down... Back to your grave. You know you're not allowed out after your death.

Blast those silly rules.

My card Neddie.

This is a piece of string.

Have you no imagination lad? I am Lord Ink.

Not Pennan?

Yes, Pennan Ink.

Don't worry folks, it's getting near the end now. All pay offs will be gratefully received.

One coming up, Ned. Unfortunately my client Moriarty is appearing in 'The Death of Napoleon' at the local knackers yard... It looks like being a very long run,

It looks like being a long run? 'What does?

Ten miles.

They're off!

Seagoon (panting):

As we ran we discussed the contract for the Battle of Waterloo. Later at Preston Barracks Brighton, we auditioned for the part of the Duke of Wellington.

Thank you. Wait inside the piano one moment will you. What do you think?

He's not the Lord Wellington type you know.

Yes. [Calls out] I say we'll, we'll write and let you know.

Let me know what?

That you're no good for the part.

Rite, then I won't take another job till I hear that, then.

Next please.

"I'll follow my secret heart till I find you..."

One moment. [Aside] Where's my pistol?

No Neddie no one moment...

Grytpype... With Eccles playing the part of Wellington this time the French are bound to win the battle of Waterloo!

Right... Eccles? Button the hat and sword. Now charge...

Seagoon (in tears):

No... We've... We've lost the Battle of Waterloo!

Get your new history books... Get your new history books here... Read how the French won Waterloo folks.

Hello?

Seagoon, look here, a right twit you made of yourself firing that photo of a dinner at the enemy. Do you know what they've fired back?

What?

The photograph of an empty plate.

Ha ha ha... An empty plate..! Well, there you are folks, the old anti-climax again!