Hello, folks! This is a posting of "Call of the West". I took the script from the FTP site and made changes per "More Goon Show Scripts" and added notes of my own. Let me know what you think. When the broadcast was slightly different, I deferred to the broadcast. In the case of a major difference, I included both book and broadcast versions. I have posted the script as I read and heard it, racial slurs and all. The Call of the West by Spike Milligan First Shown: 12 show of 9th series. (75th Overseas Transmission) Secondary ~Title: Captain Stingo, or Goon Law, or Anythinggggg, or Hern! Book Inroduction (reprinted without permission): THRILL to the noble atrocities of illiterate Captain Slokum and the 9th U.S. Calvary! SIGH to the romantic strains of Tex MacLength and his sons of the bicycle-saddle! STRAIN to the unrestrained rhythms of Bloodnok's thunderpills! Yes, here for the first time on the wide-screen of the wireless, the true story of how the wild-west was won. Set in East Finchley, the drama recounts how the Indian tribes cut off supplies from Fort Fertanggg with just 29 explosive saxophones and a crate of fish bones. Hindered by the insanitary exploits of "mad Dan" Eccles aboard the No. 49 bus, Bluebottle massacres the entire tribe single-handed with his cardboard cut-out pistol. Note: Miss Miriam Reene of 33 Croft Street, East Finchley(3), has been left out of the script in order to protect a man called Tom Mountain. The Main Characters (Harry Secombe) Neddie Seagoon Lootentant Hern-Hern Bluebottle's Mum Old Uncle Oscar (Spike Milligan) "Davey" Eccles Moriarty Seargeant Fladoo Miss Minnie Bannister Little Jim (Peter Sellers) Colonel Slokum Dr Dennis Bloodnok Henry Crun Bluebottle Hern Hercules Gryptpyte-Thynne American Bum Coolie (Ray Ellington) Chief Investor (Wallace Greenslade) A BBC Announcer (Max Geldray) Fred Smith, OBE Produced by John Browell Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott Wallace This is the BBC. Neddie Seagoon Good! Now, Walm, here is that same announcement by a midget. Wallace Who's he?! Neddie Seagoon I'm a friend of Bert Fertangggg! Neddie Seagoon Fertungggg. Peter Findacoo!(book reads as Sfhnitouuuuuu.) Neddie Seagoon F'too!(book: Toweeeeeeee) Peter Foulzow! Neddie Seagoon F'ting Spike A friend of Bert F'tang! GRAMS: CARRY ON THE ABOVE SOUNDS AT A HIGHER SPEED Wallace Dear Spontellibons, you are listening to the soundtrack of this weeks wonder ear-film, presenting: Captain Stingo, or .... Hern Goon Law, or, or anythinggggggg. Hern.... Hern See, hear and smell hairless midget, Harry Seagoon as Captain Rapture. Hard riding, hard shooting, hard up cowboy. Neddie Seagoon Hello, you ornery critters! (book: 'orny critters) Hern This role calls for great audience imagination. See, feel and hit Spike Milligna as the dying actor. Spike Ooouch! Hern Yes, for the first time on your radio screen, see the hand- operated, electric teeth, of Peter 'Voices' Sellers, as Big Black Beauty, the mad Wallpapered stallion. Listen to the strains of Tex MacLength, and his sons of the bicycle saddle... <'Give me a home, where the buffalo roam' - then much laying about with a metal instrument, accompanied by cries of 'oh!' and 'oh dear'> (Book: Goons: All sing, "Give me a Home". Faster than normal. All laid out by the sound of three tubular bells belting them on the head. All fade off groaning. "Oh me nut", etc.) Wallace This then is your entertainment for this evening. (Book: The whole audience scream and run for the exits.) Neddie Seagoon Come back! Wallace It is 1867 and dead on time. The harbour of Boston is a hive of inactivity, as English immigrants bring their shattered bank accounts to the New World.Along side is the Good Ship Venus [Hern Ed. - rhyming slang for penis]. The Pling-Plang toof noppity nippity noo, plita. Omnivirous, plethora.Platty plong plong ta te ti to tue...fnit, poll. Tong, tangting,putt...I say, I can't read this rubbish, I Oooh! Little Jim He fallen in da water! Neddie Seagoon Yes, sonny, its a tradition amongst drowning men. now, come lets step ashore onto america, the land of plenty. American Bum Hey bud, gotta nickel for a cup of coffee? Neddie Seagoon You poor man, you must be starving. Here, take that. GRAMS: ELECTRONIC BASH IN THE FACE. ADD JELLY SPLOSH. American Bum Owwww, buddy. Neddie Seagoon That'll teach him not to be poor in front of me again. fill the horses up with three gallons of hay. Ha ha ha. What a gallant figure I must have made, with my tricorn hat, tricorn trousers, and an unexpurgated version of the Union Jack. Grytpyte Thynne Look sir, I too am heading west, with this retired wooden fish crate. Moriarty OOOOwwwwww. Let me out of here, the pong, the pong Grytype.(Book:Grytpyte Thynne, the fumes, the fumes Oh the pong they make). Neddie Seagoon I say, what are those yellow things champing at the knothole? Grytpyte Thynne They are the teeth of a dear friend and confidante, the great French poet and lyric plumber, Count Jim 'Flies' Moriarty. Apart from which, he is inventing something. GRAMS Alto Sax: Plays "Sax O Phun"(As heard from inside a Crate. Played back faster). Grytpyte Thynne Listen, he's working on it, my dear sir. E'en now, he treads the keys of his Adolf saxophone. Could we hire, perchance a room on your covered wagon, so that the Count my continue undisturbed by disturb? Neddie Seagoon Well.... there's no bath. Grytpyte Thynne No bath? Just what the Count likes at the end of a long day. Neddie Seagoon Right. Now, where's the rent? Grytpyte Thynne In my trousers. Neddie Seagoon He bent down, and sure enough, he had a rent in his trousers!! California! here we come! Get up there! SONG: A NIGHTINGALE SANG IN BERKELEY SQUARE Neddie Seagoon I say... will all those prarie dogs never stop howling? Grytpyte Thynne They're always howling..... no trees on the prairie. Neddie Seagoon Listeners who recognise that joke please keep their traps shut. Well, I'm going to bed. G'night. ah, 18 stone, 3, gad, I'm a heavy sleeper. Moriarty Let me out, buddy. Grytpyte Thynne Shhhhhh. Quiet in that crate. Moriarty Is it night or day? Grytpyte Thynne Fool, that sort of thing is only for the rich. Moriarty Let me out, oh, buddy. Grytpyte Thynne I'll let you out when you've made enough saxophones to sell to the indians. Moriarty I've made corud-serc-neef-nook-she saxophones (book: I've made 500 (raves)) Grytpyte Thynne Have you? Well, come out. Now, which of all these fish-bones is you? Moriarty I'm the one with hairs on. Neddie Seagon What's that? The Indians are attacking on the new wide screen! Eccles (sings) Born on a mountain top in Tennessee born in...(mumble) Neddie Seagoon What luck! Its Davy Eccles in his goon-shin cat! Eccles Want Luck itls Calven Cleccet nil in Glone sklint atamt...(gurgles) Neddie Seagoon You do and you clean it up mate. Eccles They're all with me tonight... Neddie Seagoon Now listen. Eccles Yup? Neddie Seagoon We need help. Eccles Yup? Needie Seagoon Those indians are over powering us. Get through to Fort F'tang, Eccles F'tang. Eccles ta! Giddup! Neddie Seagoon Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal to three fully-clothed miles in France! Colonel Slokum Whoa! There's discipline for yer(spit). Lootenant Hern-Hern? Lootenant Hern-Hern Yes sir? Colonel Slokum Where's your horse? Lootenant Hern-Hern You only called me, sir. Colonel Slokum Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it. Lootenant Hern-Hern It belonged to my father Hern. Colonel Slokum Its a well-worn hern, yeah. Here's a dollar Hern. Lootenant Hern-Hern A dollar Hern? What for Hern? Colonel Slokum Its pay as you Hern. [spits] Sargent Fladoo? Where's the Chuck Wagon Hern? Sargent Fladoo 's..hine, the worst hine, sir, a most.... hawf hine. Colonel Slokum Well, if you say so. [spits] I'm sorry, Sarge. Here, catch this lifebelt! sf thank you! Lootenant Hern-Hern We better get going, Colonel - they say that the Nobblynee red-Indians are in the vicinity. Max, Wallace and Ray [singing] I'll be calling you Wallace And I'll answer... Max, Wallace and Ray tooo Lootenant Hern-Hern Its three lone indians! Colonel Slokum Call 'em over, we could do with a loan hern, yeah Lootenant Hern-Hern Great Jumping Fernakerpans! Its the Nobblynee Tribe in full war- paint and wall-paper. (Book: Chief Investor Ughhhh. How. Uggg. Ugh ta. Captain Slokum I reckon there must be an easier way to make a living you know. How...Hern...How) Chief Investor Ugggg! me Chief Investor - in Wall Street. Chief Sitting Bull and Bear, this is my squaw. Squaw Wallace How do you do? Chief Investor Ugggg! Colonel Slokum Yes, I thought that too. Chief Investor And this nit here is my son, great warrior, Fred Smith, OBE. Fred Smith Hello boy, I had eggs for tea. Colonel Slokum Eh, he looks mighty tall in the saddle Chief Investor That's because he's on a horse mate! Omnes Tada! Colonel Slocombe Chief, we wanna do business. We're willing to knock all your teeth out for nothin', and give you genuine false ones in exchange for your old buffalo hides. Chief Investor Mmmmm. Uggggg. All my braves have buffalo hides. Colonel Slokum Well, where's yours? Chief Investor Where's my what, mate? Colonel Slocombe Where's your buffalo hide? Chief Investor He's hiding behind that tree mate. Omnes Tada! Chief Investor Look! Wait a minut! Me no like what white man offer. You go, or my braves go on four-lane warpath. Now give you biff on conk! Biff! Fred Smith That's my dad, boys. (book has Peter as saying this line(?)) Colonel Slokum Watch out Sitting Bull, or I'll get you, sure as my name's Custer. Eccles Oh, here, here, here, here! Oh, here, here! Lootenant Hern-Hern Holy Smoke! Its something going here, here, here, here! Eccles Well, its me going here, here, here, here! Colonel Slokum Steady there son. Eccles The wagon-train with your wife on board is being attacked by the indians! Colonel Slokum My wife! Is she safe? Eccles Yeah. Colonel Slokum I never did like them indians. Lootenant Hern-Hern Did any follow ya? Eccles Yeah, they were shootin' at me all the time, but I just stuck my tongue out at dem. Lootenant Hern-Hern Get wounded? Eccles Yeah. Lootenant Hern-Hern Where? Eccles In the tongue. Lootenant Hern-Hern Well, for no reason at all, FORWARD! GRAMS: TROOP OF CALVARY GALLOP OFF: CHORUS: SING "TEXAS RANGER SONG" FROM RIO RITA(1). ALL AT SPEED. FADE. Wallace That night the tribes were assembled for war. A white man and his fish crate were the centre of attention. Gryp I come as a fellow equity member with all dues paid. First I knock on box, so... [knocks] (Book: "Toits De Paree") Tribes oh! ah! oh! Grytpyte Thynne Yes! We bring you saxophones! Chief Me like - me play (Book: Desperate attempt to play Indian Love Call or Ramona) Moriarty You play lovely, chief. Grytpyte Thynne Yes, he plays lovely, doesn't he. Could easily pass for music. And I'd pass it. Chief Good! Tonight, me and braves attack white men with saxophones! Mooohaaaaa! Minnie! Moohaaaaa! Colonel Slokum Gentlemen, somebody's supplying the indians with saxophones. [spits] Neddy Seagoon I think I know who it is. Colonel Slokum Bring that thing closer, will ya? You were saying Hern? Neddy Seagoon I know who they are. Moriarty and Thynne. Colonel Slokum Where's they hiding? Neddy Seagoon America Colonel Slokum Sargent, make a note of that, of the address will ya? Sargent Eccles How, how do you spell it? Colonel Slokum Don't bother how to spell it, just write it down Sargent Eccles Ookay... Colonel Slokum Now read it back. Sargent Eccles umbalalarlackum Colonel Slokum That sounds like the place to me. Alright men! Search America and look under the beds! GRAMS: REPEAT OF RIO RITA Moriarty Grytpyte, they've got wind of us! We've got to get away, I tell you! ooooaaaaoaooaoaoaaa! Grytpyte Thynne Don't panic, Count. Get into this woman's disguise kit, while Ray Ellington releases his power of song on an unsuspecting world. {Ray Ellington song} Wallace Meantime, in Dodge City, television centre of the old west, a quack hawks his wares, and 'wares his hawks - whichever way is the better, I wouldn't know. Bloodnok Ohhhh! Ohh, that's done me a power of good folks! And there's more where that came from! Citizens of Dodge City! Bloodnok's the name! Dr. Dennis Bloodnok, late of Harley St, Twickenham. Now then, I've cured the aristocrats of the Plinn the Farmers. Let me read this testimonial: Dear Sir. Since taking your course of Thunderpills, I feel like a new man. Signed, Mrs Ivy Chandler. Now then, who will be the first to try it, I say, who will be the first! ORCHESTRA MURMURS AMONG THE CROWD. Coolie I'll try some of that, sir. Bloodnok You'll try some? Give him a big hand! (book: A Hindu Rajah. Give him a big hand. Coolie Thank you, sir, but I am only a coolie. Bloodnok Coolie? Give him a small hand.) Singhiz Thingz Thank you sir, thank you. Bloodnok Now then, Mystic Son of the East, sip this small sulphur and licorice bomb. Look! Ooo! Before my eyes, before my military eyes, the colour is coming back to his pallid loincloth! (Book: Coolie oh, good heavens, where are my trousers?) How do you feel, Prince of the East? Singhiz Thingz I don't feel well, I feel, I, I, I feel very, very ill. Bloodnok Ill!? Crowd You're a quack, mister, you're a quack! Bloodnok Steady, yankee doodles, or I'll have the red-coats on you! Careful there! ooo! Careful there! Grytpyte Thynne I say, barman? Drinks, for my lady. Moriarty Yes, I'll have a glass of fish and chips. Grytpyte Thynne And see you put a good head on it. Barman (Ellington) Man, we don't keep and drinks called Fish and Chips. Grytpyte Thynne What! Come, Moriarty, we shall take our trade, and malnutrition elsewhere. Lootenant Hern-Hern Hold everything! I'm Lootenant Hern-Hern of the United States cavalry. We sell charges to regular customers, they'd like to meet you two sirs. We lookin' for two men who have been selling contraband saxophones to the red indians, thereby causing unemployment amongst white musicians. Moriarty gickaboohickgickkccaooo. Lootenant Hern-Hern Pardon me, ma'am - your wigs's fallen off. Grytpyte Thynne Wig! How dare you sir? The unfortunate woman just happens to have gone bald suddenly. Its obviosly a case of the new lightning French alopecia from the song of the same name. Moriarty Thats right, thats right, [singing]: Alopecia, lightning alopecia, alopecia...happens everyday... Grytpyte Thynne [singing] First you get it on your nut. Moriarty First you get it on your nut! On my nut! Grytpyte Thynne On his nut! Moriarty On my nut! Omnes Ooooh! Alopecia, lightning alopecia. Alopecia happens everydayyyy! Lootenant Hern-Hern Hold it! Omnes [dribble off to a halt, ending in Moriarty, then Bloodnok] Lootenant Hern-Hern Stop that alopecia! One moment, you two, I seem to recognise your face sir. Take off that false nose! Grytpyte Thynne What! Lootenant Hern-Hern Ahah. Now them false ears. Grytpyte Thynne I protest! Lootenant Hern-Hern Now that false suit. And that false chest. Moriarty ooww. Lootenant Hern-Hern Hahaha. Just as i thought - I don't know who you are. Who are ye? Grytpyte Thynne Lord Nelson. Lootenant Hern-Hern He had one arm missin'. Grytpyte Thynne I have - I used to have three Eccles Hello, fellas! ulaluckumberdoy. Care to have a hand of cards? (Book: Hell captin...care to join us for a hand of cards?) Lootenant Hern-Hern Poker, pontoon or rummy? Eccles Yeah, and cards? Colonel Slokum Well, alright, fellas, I pass. Lootenant Hern-Hern I pass. Eccles Well, now its up to me now folks. Its up to me now folks. I'm callin' ya fellas! Bluebottle Ohh, he's callin' us all fellas. I shall recipromidicate. Its the Call of the West partner! Chews plug of Hopalong Cassidy cardboard - string tobacco - licorice-type. Spit, spit, spitty. Ooohhoi. It's gone right down the front of my shirt. Lootenant Hern-Hern Who are you, stranger? Speak up. Bluebottle I am... I'm Marshal Matt Dillon, of 23 Flubb Avenue, East Finchley, North 12. Lootenant Hern-Hern I never seen you in Dodge City before. How did you get here? Bluebottle I came on the forty-nine bus from the High Street. Lootenant Hern-Hern There ain't no buses run out here... Bluebottle No, it only took me as far as the Odeon, and I had to walk all the rest of the way myself. Eccles What about the game? Lootenant Hern-Hern Ok, then, you're calling Mad Dan - what kind of hand you got? Eccles Four fingers and thumb. Bluebottle I beat you, Mad Dan - I got four fingers, two thumbs, and a toe! Eccles A toe? There ain't no such hand! Bluebottle Do you think i'm a cheat? Eccles No, I think you're deformed. Bluebottle No man can call Bluebottle deformed, unless he's a specialist... Eccles, I'm runnin' you in. Eccles I've been run in, I've done 10,000 miles. Lootenant Hern-Hern Come on Mad Dan. Are you going quietly or do we have to use ear-plugs? Bluebottle Go for your guns, Mad Dan. Eccles ohhohhh Bluebottle I'm warning you - see the panther-like movements of my mittened hands, as they curl towards the cardboard-and-string triggers of my cutout pistols... Bluebottle's Mum There you are, you dirty little tramp! Bluebottle Oh, mum! Bluebottle's Mum I'll give you oh mum. Your father's been looking everywhere for his trilby hat! Where's all the shopping I sent you for? Bluebottle Oh mum, you spoiled my game! Bye bye, Eccles! Eccles Goodbye! Grytpype-Thynne And so perish all enemies of the queen. Moriarty And there's more where that came from. Hern-Hern Now I recognise that voice by the shape of those words! Grytpype-Thynne Run for it, Moriarty...they know us Moriarty Agh! Wallace This then was the situation: Bloodnok pursued by the mob; Grytpyte pursued by the 9th cavalry; and Bluebottle pursued by his mother. With that in mind, will the listeners please take in their slack, and listen to the occupants of Fort Ftang, preparing for the indian assault... Minnie Banister Lock us well in, Hen Henry Crun Oh, yes. They won't quell old Hen Crun by surprise. Min? Stand against that wall for a certain test. Minnie Banister oh. Ok, cocky. ooooh, ohh dear, ohhhh. Henry Crun Did that hurt, Min? Minnie Banister Yes! Henry Crun Good, then this is a gun, Min. (Minnie I hope they attack soon, the dinner's getting burnt. Crun They'll never attack a burnt dinner, Min.) Uncle Oscar arrrrrrrr arrr orrrrrarrrrrrg Henry Crun Oh, Uncle Oscar! What are you doing out of your grave? Minnie Banister He must be feeling better, Henry. Uncle Oscar Iiiiiaaaaaarrrrr oooohhhhh aarrr I Minnie Banister oooh oh who oooh! Uncle Oscar oooo Henry Crun Oh, Uncle! At your age. You've been at the hormones again. Uncle Oscar Narrrr mine aaaa ooorrr aaaaaaaarrrrr narckarohow Henry Crun There go his teeth, Min. That means more dinner for us. Minnie Banister Yes. Minnie Banister What's that! Henry Crun oooo Minnie Banister oo hooo Henry Crun Do you hear that Min? Minnie Banister What's that? pishtoo! Henry Crun Pishtoo! Minnie Banister Whats that? Henry Crun Its the war-whoops of the Nakertacker Indians! [ Minnie Banister Are they the ones that commit atrocities? Henry Crun Yes, Min. ] (2) Minnie Banister I'll go upstairs and get ready Henry Crun Stop it, Min, do you hear? Minnie Banister What? Henry Crun You know that's for me, I tell you! Uncle Oscar aaarrrr arrr arrrr! Henry Crun He remembers, Min. He's remembered in leather. Now, Uncle, get inside that coffin and defend it with your life! I shall just announce the next part of the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have pleasure in announcing a knock at the door. Blast, there's been a change in the program. Who is it? Minnie Banister oooooo Colonel Slocombe And so folks, with rivers of blood being shed, arson, rape, murder everywhere, we say: Goodnight from Happydrome (Book: Goodnight from Happydom) ooooo! They got me folks. Another unhappy ending, especially for me. [spits] Oooh! ORCHESTRA "I WANT TO BE HAPPY" PLAYOUT VO The Goon Show was presented by the BBC. The End (1) "Rio Rita" was a Wheeler and Woolsey movie of 1929 from the musical of the same name. Abbott & Costello remade it in 1942, as a Western with marauding Nazis. Justin Eidelburger's kinfolk, perhaps? (2) This short bit was edited out by the Transcription Services. (3) Miss Reene is mentioned in "The Gold Plate Robbery". She said at Playtime to Dave Freeman and Bluebottle, "Whoever shows the most, gets me." The version I have deletes the word "shows", making the line, rather obscure. [Paul Webster - June 2001 - small edits to original transcription after listening again - sorry don't know who made the original post-Spike version]