Robin's Post

First broadcast on January 14, 1960

Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

WALLACE	This is the BBC. It feareth not, and holdeth forth not, but it keepeth friends with alleth.
NED	And a ripe twit thou soundest. What's all this 'thim them thou' chat?
WALLACE	Chat? Well, we felt that in strict contrast with the coming brisk clinical commercial radio, we might introduce an olde worlde atmosphere.
NED	A good answer, now read the statues on this Monogrammed Water Buffaloo.
WALLACE	In the absence of entertainment we present -
Orchestra:	Tatty Gong
PETER	The Great Brown, all the way from mysterious Upper Dicker. No question is too difficult.
JIM	First question?
HARRY	(Twitt) My name is Gladys Clutt.
JIM	There is no cure. Next!
HARRY	(Twitt) No, my name is Gladys Clutt spelt with a Masculine G as in Gee Whizz.
PETER	I'm his friend.
JIM	Just stand in this open crocodile and wait for the first spring swallow.
NED	Who won the Battle of Waterloo?
JIM	Tom Kretch.
NED	Wrong! It was Lord Wellington.
JIM	It's only your word against mine, Jim.
Orchestra:	Taa Raaaaaaaa Ching *(On Real Old Cymbal)*
PETER	(gushing BBC twit announcer) And this week's 'Workers Playtime' came from a cake-bottling factory in Burton Wood. Now, here is the foreman's name -
NED	Tom Hopkin.
Grams:	Roars of Laughter. Goats and Cows
WALLACE	That was the sound of the human race - resignation forms are now available. Now, to certain things -
PETER	(Swede) Aye to that, sirr.
WALLACE	The part of the Cornish idiot was played at short notice by a very well-known Cornish idiot player.
PETER	Harr ... narnnnnnnnnnn.
WALLACE	Ta. We present a tragedy - the story of Lord Seagoon, playboy of the Western Approaches, great lover, man of action, athlete, slob - and great wit.
NED	Who's a great twit?
Orchestra:	Dramatic Chords
Grams:	Old Time Orchestra Playing The Lancers In The Distance. Murmur Of The Dancers
SPIKE	Jove, you look lovely tonight, Daphne.
PETER	Oh, you're just saying that.
SPIKE	Let's go into the garden.
NED	Hear that maddening sound of gaiety, music and acting? Huh huh huh ... It took place in Robin's Post, my ancestral home at Hailsham, Sussex, S.W.3. Now, it's all gone. G-o-n-e pronounced -
Grams:	Spike *(Pre-Recorded)* saying very fast 'Goneeeeeeeeee'
NED	I was rich, as you will now hear.
Grams:	Ned *(Pre-Recorded)* saying slightly faster than normal 'I was rich'
NED	This is me now speaking, a ruined, broken, crumbling man, going to pieces.
FX:	Length of the Tubular Bell From the Tubular Bells. Let Drop On The Floor
NED	There goes another bit.
PETER	After her, men.
NED	Her? Yes, it was a woman who brought me this low - that and short legs.
Grams:	Quack of Duck
NED	Duck's disease, the curse of the Seagoons. Anyhow, we met years ago. Her name was Penelope, mine was Ned. Why, I can hear her now.
PETER	(old dear) Hello, Ned dear.
NED	There she is!!!!!! But let's go back to when it alllllll started. It was 1901 and I was holding a masked ball.
Grams:	Surge Up The Dancers And The Music. Then Down
Omnes:	Odd Lines of Chatter. 'Gad, She's Got A Trim Ankle', etc.
THYNNE	(approaches laughing) Ha ha ha, tell me Lord Seagoon, why are you holding that masked ball?
NED	This is no ordinary ball.
THYNNE	Don't frighten me, Ned.
NED	This man was the powerful Lord Thynne, power behind the throne, owner of The Times, Peer of the Realm and relief pianist at the Hackney Empire.
MORIARTY	Tell me, Neddie, what is that ball made from?
NED	Oh, silly old gold.
Grams:	Moriarty **(Pre-Recorded): Series Of Screams And Yells About Gold. Take Three Overlapping Tracks.**
FX:	Slapstick Fast Twice
THYNNE	Steady, Moriarty, it's only gold. Come, lets weigh it on this set of scales I happen to have handy. There.
Grams:	Squeak of Scales
THYNNE	Fourteen carrots, three turnips and a mango - gad, it's worth its weight in greens.
NED	But what does it mean to me, Lord Thynne, me, a man of means?
ECCLES	Hello Neddie, Hello Neddie. Ho, phew, I've danced every dance since it started, Lancers, eightsome reels, tango, waltz.
NED	Who was the lucky girl?
ECCLES	I didn't bother about them, I did it on my own. I'm not the idiot you think I am.
THYNNE	Oh, which idiot are you then?
ECCLES	Ummmmmm, what I mean is, I'm a great thinker.
THYNNE	For instance?
ECCLES	For instance, I think ... er ... I think ... I think I'll go home.
THYNNE	You thought of that all by yourself?
ECCLES	Well, if you put it like that - yes.
THYNNE	Minmmm - time for Conks Geldray.
FX:	Slapstick
Max & Orchestra:	Music
MAX	That was the music of Conks Geldray, folks. Conks lets in the air.
WALLACE	Mr. Geldray wishes it known that the Conks Anonymous Club is now open for membership. Part Two of our Tragedy.
Grams:	Old Time Music As Before. Music Stops - Polite Applause. Laughter of Dancers Leaving The Floor
NED	Between dances we sat on the balcony smoking port and drinking sherry.
THYNNE	(aside) Moriarty - stand by the light switch. Now, Ned, let's have a look at the golden ball.
Grams:	Crackling of Electricity. Dancers Reaction
NED	Don't panic, folks. It's only the gas mantles fused - carry on dancing.
PETER	(Geraldo) What do you mean, man? The boys can't see to play in the dark.
NED	Come now, you can busk.
PETER	Only from music. In the dark we're strictly a load of schmose.
NED	Nonsense. Hand me an instrument, I'll play. Waltz, please.
Orchestra:	Drums: Play Waltz Tempo
NED	And so the magic of my waltz rhythm rang through the hail (Sings) Fertang, fertang, fertang tang tang - but in the rosy light of dawn, I discovered myself sitting in the middle of a field in full evening dress playing the drums. I took immediate action - I stopped playing -
Grams:	Ned *(Pre-Recorded)* Saying Normally 'Next Dance Pleaseeeeeeee'
NED	- I said.
MATE	(to self) Hello, we got a right twit 'ere.
NED	Ah, good morning, Constabule.
MATE	Hello, sonny, lost the band?
NED	No, someone has stolen Robin's Post, my ancestral home.
MATE	(slowly) 'Ere, you haven't escaped from anywhere, have you?
NED	What do you mean?
MATE	You know - one of them. (Puts finger in mouth - wobbles) Wo wo wo wo.
NED	I say, how do you do that?
MATE	Wo wo wo wo.
NED	Here, let me try ... Wo wo wo wo . . - ha ha ha ha Let's do it together.
NED & MATE	Wo wo wo wo.
NED	I say this is fun.
MATE	And it's tax-free, mate. Now, come along, off to the station.
Grams:	Ned *(Pre-Recorded)* Protesting 'No no no wo wo *(Speed Up Slowly)* I'm not wo wo wow - let me go'
MATE	(Over Grams & FX) Come on, a few powders and you'll be all right on it.
Orchestra:	Soft Sad Long Dull Chord. Two Bar Hot Break On Trombone
WALLACE	Very puzzling. Part Two
FX:	Rattling Iron Door
NED	Let me out of this place! Take this jacket off. (Interrupts behind Wallace)
WALLACE	Lord Seagoon had been incarcerated in a gentlemen's rest home in Sussex on a charge of going 'Wo wo wo wo wo', illusions of grandeur, and duck's disease. Wow wo wo wo wo - I say, it's not difficult -wo wo wo wo wo.
MATE	In you go, too.
Grams:	Iron Door Slams
WALLACE	You can't lock me away, I'm from the BBC - wo wo wo wo wo wo.
MATE	Oh, you're just the right type, mate. Wo wo wo wo 'em, mate.
NED	It's no good, Wa!. We'll plot to get out of here -I'll bake a cake, put a file in it and post it to myself -
JIM	Parcel for you!
NED	It's arrived!
FX:	Rapid Ripping Open
NED	And here's the file. Now, while I claw a hole in the wall with my bare hands, you cover up the sound by filing through your teeth.
FX:	Filing
BLOODNOK	I say, are you filing your teeth?
WALLACE	Yes.
BLOODNOK	Well put 'em under 'T'.
NED	Bloodnok! How did you get in here?
BLOODNOK	I have the OBE and a parcel of steamed squids.
NED	Shut up man - help me dig a tunnel.
Grams:	Digging Up Rocks By Hand
BLOODNOK	Ohhhhhhhhhh ... Ohhhhhhhh -
NED	You've got to get rid of these rocks -
BLOODNOK	I'm eating them as fast as I can!
NED & BLOODNOK	(grunting)
Grams:	Rocks being Piled
WALLACE	What are you doing, Mr. Seagoon?
NED	Twit! I'm trying to tunnel out.
BLOODNOK	Now, Ned of Wales, Bloodnock of Anywhere will get you out of this home provided you sign the contract on this boiled egg.
NED	(dry) Is this contract binding?
BLOODNOK	A real eye waterer. Now, let's have your deposit - this set of drums will do - gad, they look in fine military condition. I'll do a parrididdle on 'em.
NED	Don't you dare!!
Orchestra:	Drums Play A Military Beat. Side Drum And Undampened Bass Drum
BLOODNOK	(over orchestra sings his favourite military melody. All fade into distance)
NED	He's escaped by military drums. Thank heavens - he's gone.
BLOODNOK	And thank heavens he's back again. 'The Return of Bloodnok', Part Three. (Acts) Hello, Neddie of Wales. Look, we've all been imprisoned here for wo wo wo and unlawfully detained as retired stud horses.
NED	Yes, why should we spend the rest of our time here?
BLOODNOK	True. I mean, I can still pull a cart and whistle the Queen (Whistles tunelessly)
NED	Look, this is my plan.
Grams:	Series of Electronic Sounds
BLOODNOK	It sounds infalliable, when do we start?
NED	Now. First we must contact a solicitor. Contact.
CRUN	Contact.
Grams:	Propeller-Engined Plane Roars Into Life Then Slurs To A Stop
CRUN	Contact made. Wclcome to Whacklow, Futtle, Crun and Bannister - Solicitors for Oaths, Thin Oil and Certain Thingssssssssss.
MINNIE	Thingssssss!
Orchestra:	All Join In 'Thingssssssssss'
CRUN	Thingssssssssss are catching onnnnnn, Min. Now Sir, what, apart from your plasticine nose, is the trouble?
NED	My wife left me.
CRUN	Where did she leave you?
NED	At home.
CRUN	What was her name?
NED	Mrs Seagoon.
CRUN	So, she's a married woman? There's a clue. Have you a description of her?
FX:	Rustling of Plans
NED	Here's a complete set of plans of her.
CRUN	These are the plans of a house.
NED	She's inside.
FX:	Door Opens
NED	Anybody in?
RAY	(off) Yes, there is.
CRUN	What is your name; Madam?
RAY	I can't see, the lights are fused.
FX:	Door Closes
NED	You see? All we've got to do is find that house and there she'll be.
CRUN	Krermunck. Thingssssss ... of Mongolia?
MINNIE	(off) I won't be a second.
CRUN	Good, there's no money in the boxing game. Min of Mongolia, this man in the mosquito net hat is a new client.
NED	How do you do.
MINNIE	I didn't catch the name.
NED	(dry) I haven't dropped it yet.
FX:	Tubular Bell Dropped On Stage With A Telegraph Pole Clang
NED	That's it.
MINNIE	Mr. Steel, he's coming, he's coming neareer, he's almost here, he's arrived.
NED	Who?
MINNIE	Ha ha ha ha.
CRUN	Now, Ned, that will be a pound. Come and see us in ten guineas' time.
NED	Have you got change of a hern - no? Then to hell with you.
Grams:	Wolf Howl
RAY	Man, that sounds like my cue and I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
The Ray Ellington Quartet:	Music
WALLACE	That was Ray Ellington who is seven feet tall and covered in ginger hair, known in Woodside Park as - 'Gor, look at 'im!'. Part Three of 'Certain Thingssss'. Mr. Thynne - will you summarize?
THYNNE	The secret of Ned's missing home is simple. We have lifted it lock, stick and birrle on the back of a tank transporter. The dance inside continues. We intend to ransom the more important guests to Eastern Potentates, to be held as political hostages who will become the centre of international political tension at a reduced fee of ten guineas a day until World War Three, or the price of avocado pears is reduced to the ore fourteen minimum. Now for my next impression -
Grams:	Tank Transporter Rumbling Along The Road
MORIARTY	Driving along the king's highwayyyyy.
THYNNE	Happy, Moriarty?
MORIARTY	Owwwwww.
THYNNE	Look, there's something in the road ahead.
MORIARTY	It is a head, with a body attached.
BLUEBOTTLE	It's mine, Bottle of Finchley. Can you give me a lift to London Town?
MORIARTY	Go on, hop it.
BLUEBOTTLE	It's too far to hop it.
ECCLES	Hullo, Bottle.
BLUEBOTTLE	Cor, look, look at him, in brown evening dress. Eccles of Lengths.
ECCLES	He's OK, Moriarty, he's a friend of mine. Come on.
BLUEBOTTLE	Ta, Eccles. Here's a cigarette card of Newt, and here's one of a King Edward potato at two months old.
ECCLES	Oh, just what I need for lunch (Gulps) Ohhhhh
BLUEBOTTLE	I been doing life-guard duties on the Splon beach at Ratsgate.
ECCLES	I didn't know you could swim in water.
BLUEBOTTLE	I had to learn to swim at two weeks old.
ECCLES	Why?
BLUEBOTTLE	The vicar dropped me in the font.
Grams:	Splash and Bubbles -
BLUE BOTTLE	I went. My next impression will be of a goose.
Grams:	Peter **(Pre-Recorded): Screammmm**
BLUEBOTTLE	Ohhhhh, hello everybody, I didn't see you there. One - Iwo three ... oh, not such a big crowd tonight. (Thinks, panic) Is - is poor Bottle losing the public that has kept him in liquorice and long shorts for all these years? Am I a fallen idol? Another has-been? Noooooo! I shall go on from triumph to triumph.
FX:	Swanee Whistle Down, and Thud Very Fast
BLUEBOTTLE	Oh, my trousers have come down! Never again will I trust knitted string from Freda Milge.
ECCLES	Never mind, have a brandy.
Grams:	Long Pouring From A Three Gallon Tin Into A Glass. Then A Long Syphon of Soda
BLUEBOTTLE	No thank you. Ringgggg-ringgggg-ringgggg - the phoneeeeee. Hello?
NED	Hello, Bottle, help me, where is Robin's Post?
BLUEBOTTLE	It's on a lorry going down the Great North Road.
NED	You will be rewarded for this with a twill nightie and a spare sock. Gid up!
Grams:	Dick Barton Theme - Then Paul Temple Theme - Then The Archer's Theme - Then Mrs. Dale's Harp
NED	It's pick of the flops! With that music behind me and my horse underneath -
Grams:	Lone Ranger - William Tell Theme - Goes Under -
HERN	Yes, a fiery horse, a flash of light, two pounds of potatoes, a sack of knees and ho Silver and the Lone Ranger.
FX:	Coconut Shells
NED	Gid up, proud beauty.
PETER	(old dear) All right, dear.
THYNNE	Ring ring ring in the direction of Ned.
NED	What's that? It sounds like a telephone. (Tastes) It tastes like a telephone. What number does it taste like?
BLOODNOK	Hastings 1066.
NED	That's us. Hello?
MORIARTY	(distorted) Listen, Neddie, I'm warning you not to follow us. We've had beans for dinner.
NED	What what what? Arrest that phone, the man on the other end is a criminule.
FX:	Handcuffs And Chains On Telephone
NED	There! Hello? Hello? Blast, he's escaped, this phone is empty. Tarara!
BLOODNOK	It's near enough for jazz.
NED	We'll never catch them on a horse. But, just as I said that, folks, an old Indian hooker drew up on a nearby canal.
LALKAKA	Hello hello hello hello, Mister Man.
BANAJEE	Yes, Hello. We are Hindu bargees, Lalkaka and Banajee Limited. Here is our card.
NED	(reading) Jim Jones and Tom Squat, Printers.
BANAJEE	Yes, they are the men we bought the cards from.
LALKAKA	We got them second hand.
NED	Right. Cast offffffff.
Orchestra:	Open Sea Music: Shouts of 'Aye the Spon', etc.
NED	Now then, who's our navigator?
ECCLES	I am.
NED	(panic) Man the boatssssss! Neddie and children first.
ECCLES	Wait a minute ... Major.
BLOODNOK	Let me explain. This man is brilliant at cartography and astral navigation - ask him any question. Eccles, did you know that the mouth of the Amazon is one hundred miles wide?
ECCLES	Oh, yer.
BLOODNOK	And the coast of Albania is ten thousand miles long?
ECCLES	Oh, yer.
BLOODNOK	You see? He knew the answer to both questions.
ECCLES	Yer, here's a map of the route.
NED	What's the scale.
ECCLES	Doh ray me far so la te doooooooooo.
NED	Perfect. (Calls) Set course for Ferpudden.
ECCLES	What's Ferpudden?
NED	Prunes and custard.
BLUEBOTTLE	Wind's coming up.
Orchestra:	Ta Raaaaaa
BLOODNOK	Caught with their instruments down. Ohh, not long to the pay-off now, folks. Now, Neddie, pick a card - don't show it to me. What is it?
NED	Jim Jones and Tom Squat, Printers.
BLOODNOK	Correct.
JIM	Helloo, Jim, hello Jimmmmmm.
NED	Heloooooo Jim.
JIM	Look what I found floating in the canal - the pay-off.
NED	It's the front door of Robin's Post.
FX:	Door Opens
Grams:	Old Fashioned Orchestra - As Beginning Of Story - Sound of Dancers
NED	Stop the music!
Grams:	Slow Music Down To a Blur
NED	Where's my wife, Bulgarian Meg? Ahhh - Megggg kis kis kis kisssss.
RAY	There must be some mistake.
PETER	(Meg the Bulgar) Neddie, Neddie darling, your back - your front - you brought them both with you.
NED	I carry them for sentimental reasons I -
Grams:	Great Avalanche Of Rocks
NED	She's fainted.
PETER	(doctor) Stand aside, I'm a doctor, I specialize in fainting. Groannnnnn.
FX:	Body Falls To Ground
NED	So he does.
THYNNE	Neddie, you disrespectful swine standing there with two fainted people - take your shoes off.
Grams:	Two Small Explosions
THYNNE	Do you have to wear such loud socks?
NED	Yes, I've got deaf feet.
THYNNE	Yes, folks, exploding socks - it's the new noise clothes. Why not get your grannie a pair of red flannel drawers that go -
Grams:	Great Cackling of Startled Hens
WALLACE	And with Lord Seagoon's wife safely fainted, and a good laugh on a pair of cackling drawers, we say farewell from page thirteen of another Goon Show.
BLOODNOK	Is there no end to it! Ohhhhh!
Orchestra:	Old Comrades March