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Recorded: 24th January 1960

Broadcast: 28th January 1960

SECOMBE: And what does the Light Programme say?

GREENSLADE: They say…

GRAMS: Sped up – Greenslade saying "This is the BBC Light Programme"

SECOMBE: Gad, how can we tell you apart?

GREENSLADE: Well, our programme has naturally wavy hair for instance and we make insular announcements like this:\

SELLERS: Here is a hendu warning. Hendus are raging in sea areas cromety firth, fourth, fith and six. Gale force hendus are sweeping eastward from Iceland, Shetland and the ponies. Further hendus are sweeping in from the east. That is the hend of the endu warning. Tong

SECOMBE: Pardon me Wal, but what’s a hendu?

GREENSLADE: It lays eggs

SECOMBE: And you say they’re blowing from the east?

GREENSLADE: Yes

SECOMBE: Stand by for Easter eggs!

GREENSLADE: Ta. And now we present Chapter One of a new dynamic novel written entirely on carbon paper paper, shaven Arab socks and copyright underwater during the hendu season, entitled ‘The Last of the Smoking Seagoons’. Part one: the scene, an unfilled cavity in a dentist’s waiting room

WILLIUM: [In agony] Oh mate!

OMNES: [Uncontrolled coughing]

FX: Multiple hammering of gavel

HENRY CRUN: [Coughs to a rhythm] Oh dear, I’ve got a nasty cough, Min

MIN BANNISTER: Yes you have got a nasty cough, Henry. What happened to that nice cough you used to have? You know the one that used to go…

GRAMS: Elephant trunk call

MIN BANNISTER: That’s the one

HENRY CRUN: Oh that one, someone shot it, Min

MIN BANNISTER: The quill, did you have it stuffed?

HENRY CRUN: Aaah now you’re asking me something

MIN BANNISTER: I know I’m asking you something

MILLIGAN: [Sings with a vibrato voice for about 4 seconds]

FX: Fft, fft

MILLIGAN: [Continues singing for about 2 seconds, ends with burp]

THROAT: Thank you very much

HENRY CRUN: I don’t know where we get these shareholders from

MIN BANNISTER: You can’t get the shareholders, Henry. I can’t get any holders for my shares. Oh well…

HENRY CRUN: Welcome now to the shareholders’ meeting, ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad that this time the gentlemen are wearing trousers. And now Min of Mongolia will read the trading report for the last year

FX: Turns paper, pause, turns paper, pause, turns paper

HENRY CRUN: Yes, it was a very quiet year. [Sings] Nothing was heard but the song of a van [Min joins in and continues singing high notes until Grams]

MIN BANNISTER: Poor Jim

HENRY CRUN: Thank you, and now the consumer research bureau statistic report on the customers of this tobacco company

FX: Door knocker

HENRY CRUN: Gentlemen, good news; that means we’ve had a knocker fitted to the door

SEAGOON: [Off] It’s me [coughs]

HENRY CRUN: It’s coughing Ned of Wales, our only customer. Get the horses out of here, Min

GRAMS: Horse gallops fading

FX: Door opens

SEAGOON: Good heavens, the Lord Mayor Show has been this way

HENRY CRUN: No Ned, the floor has been this way for years

SEAGOON: Oh good, so the floor goes this way. It must be a short cut

HENRY CRUN & SEAGOON: [Accenting laughs]

HENRY CRUN: Did you hear that, Min?

MIN BANNISTER: [Off] I did, Henry

HENRY CRUN: Come now Ned, do a nice little cough for the shareholders

SEAGOON: [Coughs]

GRAMS: [Under Seagoon] small claps

GRYTPYPE: Neddie, may I say on behalf of the shareholders that was beautiful. Tell me Ned, what brought you to our meeting?

SEAGOON: An ambulance [coughs] I’ve got to give it up, you know

GRYTPYPE: Give up ambulances, Neddie? Ambulances are good for you

SEAGOON: No, no, no, I’m trying to give up smoking. I’m up to two a day, you know. It’s ruining me health, hilth, hoolth and hulth, niehau!

GRYTPYPE: Really?

GRAMS: Mourning crowd

GRYTPYPE: Just one moment please, one moment please

GRAMS: Mourning crowd tape slows down

GRYTPYPE: Now Ned, don’t be hasty, the whole output of this mighty Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company is geared to your nicotine addiction

SEAGOON: I don’t care; I’ve got to think of my lungs

GRYTPYPE: Why should you, they never think of you Ned? Moriarty, the sobbing violin

ORCHESTRA: Violin ‘Hearts and Flowers’

GRYTPYPE: [Over orch.] Ned, have a cigarette to steady your nerves

SEAGOON: [Over orch.] Thank you [sucks] I say, this cigarette’s all filtered with a tobacco tip

GRYTPYPE: Of course it’s all filtered with a tobacco tip, Neddie. It is my latest invention

SEAGOON: You filter swine!

ORCHESTRA: Big joke chord

GREENSLADE: End of part one. Three years on and six million nerve-wracking coughs later, a tiny nicotine-stained figure sits by a mountain of dog ends. Behind each ear are strapped two revolving bundles of half-smoked cigarettes

ORCHESTRA: Some kind of stringed instrument played above the fret

SEAGOON: [Coughs, speaks very fast] Hello folks hello folks hello folks [speaks normal pace] Hello folks [coughs more] Hello folks, this is Ned of Wales calling in the outdoor Fagin Service of the BBC.[Coughs] Folks [tries to talk, but can’t because of cough] I’m in a bad way, folks, I need help. Heeeeeeelp!

GRAMS: Car drives up and breaks

SEAGOON: Heavens, a 95-foot long motorcar covered in mink, it must be Peter Sellers

SEAGOON: Did you? It must’ve been a loud one

GRYTPYPE: Fair, it shook the windows. Ned, I know a great surgeon who can cure those dreaded ~cree-de-kers~

SEAGOON: Does he practice in Harley Street?

SEAGOON: Thank you. [Off, singing] I’m only a strolling [stops singing] hahaha, ooh, I haven’t had that off for a long time. Ohahoaho…

GRYTPYPE: Right Moriarty, we’ll take these clothes and have them valued

GRAMS: Car drives off

SEAGOON: I say hurry up, hurry up! It’s cold behind here, a lot of woodpeckers around

GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, a Bow Street runner approaches

GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in

WILLIUM: Hello, hello. Who’s left this screen ~but it’s light in broad daylight~? Anybody in?

SEAGOON: Yes

WILLIUM: Well come on out madam

SEAGOON: I can’t, I haven’t any clothes on, I’m waiting for a medical inspection

GRAMS: ~"Could I please have some help with this one please"~

WILLIUM: I reckon you need one, mate

SEAGOON: Just a moment – they’ve gone! My clothes have gone, Grytpype-Thyne’s gone, Moriarty’s gone, the car’s gone!

WILLIUM: You’ve gone, mate and all. Off to the old wolololololop!

SEAGOON: Ololololop, none of that, no ololop, I was in it last week

WILLIUM: Well, you’re going in again this week, old Milligan’s a bit short of ideas you see, come on

CAST: Wolololololop!

SEAGOON: Try it Wal, wololololop!

GREENSLADE: Wololololop, wololololop! Part four: the scene is lit by the brilliant conk of Max the conks Geldray!

GRAMS: Burst of applause!

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: "What More Do You Want?"

MAX GELDRAY: Thank you folks and plodgee, this is Max ‘Conks’ Geldray, the golden plum and friend to the snowmans. Listen again next week when you will hear… [blows harmonica C# chord]

GRAMS: Burst of applause

GREENSLADE: Stop, stop, stop!

GRAMS: Stops

GREENSLADE: Thankyou. Part four: the dreaded National Health hospital at Hampton Court

DOCTOR: Say aah

MALE PATIENT: [Straining] Aahh

GRAMS: Rubbing and scratching, running footsteps etc.

FEMALE PATIENT: [Screams, etc.]

BLOODNOK: Yes, you’ll love it here, Neddie. I’ve had your clothes x-rayed and we’ve discovered an anonymous swollen wallet inside your jacket. Nurse Mills?

ELLINGTON: Yes darling?

BLOODNOK: Prepare for a money operation

ELLINGTON: Oh, the matron won’t like it

BLOODNOK: He’s not getting any of it, aeough!

MILLIGAN: What’s the operation, doctor?

BLOODNOK: Well I have to remove his post office savings account. Hand me the anaesthetic, will you? Erh!

FX: Thump

ECCLES: Oooww, Major

BLOODNOK: I’m sorry, Eccles, I…

SEAGOON: Here, wait a moment, I…

FX: Thump

SEAGOON: Aeough!

BLOODNOK: Right, nurse, knife…

GRAMS: Rip

FX: Writing on paper

BLOODNOK: [Over FX] Pen, ink, specimen of patient’s signature, put it in the forgery kit there, ooh, it’s all over!

GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out

SEAGOON: Ooh, ooh, nurse, where am I?

MIN BANNISTER: England, Ned

SEAGOON: Thank heaven. If it hadn’t been, I’d never have had the money to get back

GRYTPYPE: Cigarette, Ned?

SEAGOON: Cigarette, yes, Yes, YES YES YES YES YES! [Blows into cigarette] Oooooooooooooohhhhhhh!

GRAMS: Crackling flames, fire brigade bell, steam

GRYTPYPE: Did you enjoy that, Ned?

SEAGOON: Aaahh, yes yes yes yes yes

GRYTPYPE: Well have another one; the crowd expects it from you

GRAMS: Running footsteps with Seagoon saying "No, no, no, no…", speeds up to an incredibly high speed

GREENSLADE: And now part two of an early Roman trouser plantation. To escape from the dreaded fiend, nicotine Ned stows away on a Hindu ship, disguised as a stow

ORCHESTRA: Naval-type link

GRAMS: Seagulls, ding ding, ding ding, ding ding

\BANERGEE: What, what, what is, what is that?

LALAKAKA: What is that? That’s six bells, six bells

BANERGEE: Six bells? Listen, man, we don’t need them

LALAKAKA: What do you mean you don’t need the six bells? What do you mean?

BANERGEE: What I’m saying…

LALAKAKA: What do you mean?

BANERGEE: You silly old Pakistani, you listen to me. Listen

LALAKAKA: My mother is Irish, I tell you

BANERGEE: But you weren’t born in London ~condolencies~

LALAKAKA: I know that, alright

BANERGEE: What we need, we don’t need six bells. What we need is one bell and we hit it five times

LALAKAKA: It was only one bell hit five times

BANERGEE: Then why didn’t you say so, man? Do it all again and say it properly

LALAKAKA: Alright, alright

GRAMS: Ding ding, ding ding, ding ding

LALAKAKA: One bell hit five times\

LALAKAKA & BANERGEE: What, what?

LALAKAKA: I’ve never seen anything like this, what is it, sir?

SEAGOON: Are you generally responsible for births on this ship?

LALAKAKA: What is written here is not pointless, not all of them

SEAGOON: I’m on this trip for my health, I’m a victim of faggins.

BANERGEE: Oh dear dear dear

SEAGOON: I’ve lost all my teeth and I’ve got hydromynthalics-defatic-thrompyteritis with complications

BANERGEE: What are the complications?

SEAGOON: Trying to say that lot without my teeth. [Without teeth] Now listen, I tell you [with teeth] I’ve had no food since the trip started

BANERGEE & LALAKAKA: Oh yes, we know we know we know…

BANERGEE: It is the policy of this line to starve the passengers to death

SEAGOON: Well, why wasn’t I told?

BANERGEE: It is also the policy of this line not to alarm the passengers

ECCLES: Ahowowoy, mouth of the Amazon in sight!

PIRATE: Arr, look out for the wash, arr

SEAGOON: What wash?

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: ‘Too Marvellous For Words’

BLOODNOK: Aeiough! Well, Ned! So we meet again thanks to skilful writing. Look at this, Ned, a picture of me

SEAGOON: Was it taken by flashlight?

BLOODNOK: No, taken by rifle fire, a new process. You get a pile of rifles and set fire to them

SEAGOON: Gad, what will you think of next?

BLOODNOK: Well, I think I’ll say I’m not staying on this ship. I’ve been beaten, flogged, keel-hauled, mutinited, tarred, hung from the yard, lashed to the mast and also an unpleasant incident east of the wind

SEAGOON: But a sailor must expect these things

BLOODNOK: Sailor? I’m a first class passenger

SEAGOON: You’re a first class…

BLOODNOK: Yes, I know. Well now, let’s have a quick résumé

GRAMS: Very short snippet of an explosion

BLOODNOK: Aah, that’s better. Stand aside for the equity announcement, badaaaaaa!

GREENSLADE: Neddie hid all the way on the boat to South America and he hid all the way back again, thus breaking the world’s hiding record

BLOODNOK: Ned of Wales, Ned of Nicotine, woof woof woof, the sound of the bonkerville

SEAGOON: Quick, where can I hide?

BLOODNOK: Come inside this patriotic military museum. Disguise yourself as a visitor

JIM SPRIGGS: Hello, Jim

BLOODNOK: Good heavens, it’s hello Jim, a night visitor. Welcome to the Bloodnok Patriotic Museum, every exhibit really watered. Admission, a mere nine guineas

JIM SPRIGGS: Why do you charge so much, Jim?

BLOODNOK: Well it’s something to do with the holidays in the South of France, you know

JIM SPRIGGS: Very well

FX: Cash register bell

BLOODNOK: Oooh, that tune, how it haunts me. It’s my regimental march, the third mounted cash registers. Come in and savour the exhibits, lad, this way please. Now you see, the actual slice of Gorier cheese issued to the fifteenth pamfit division of the battle of Boorada

JIM SPRIGGS: Just a minute, Jim

BLOODNOK: What, what, what?

JIM SPRIGGS: This steaming cheese has got New Zealand stamped on it

BLOODNOK: Yes, it was captured by them during the battle, you see, you can see the bullet hole in it. Oh look out, it’s moving!

FX: Gunshots

BLOODNOK: Come out and fight!

SEAGOON: Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot, Major, it’s me

BLOODNOK: Nicotine-mad Ned, have you been smoking that cheese? Come with your hands up and lay your wrist-watch on this table. That’s right. Good heavens, look at the time! Twenty to four, the perfect time for a wrist-watch robbery

GRAMS: Whoosh

SEAGOON: Oooho, my last worldly possession stolen. My only goat-skin, duck-operated wrist watch, gone!

ECCLES: What’s the duck for?

SEAGOON: To lay eggs. Gone in the direction of away, what can I doooo?

GRYTPYPE: Have a cigarette, Neddie

SEAGOON: No no no, I’ve given it up, I only smoke salmon and that’s cured too

GRYTPYPE: Neddie, despite the age of that joke, we have decided to recognise your services to the world of fumes

HENRY CRUN: This means that in future, tell him, Min

MIN BANNISTER: In future

HENRY CRUN & MIN BANNISTER: Everything you smoke will bring you a dividend of point [with rhythm] o o o-o o, o 3 of our owning!

HENRY CRUN: …which will be paid to you in cigarettes. Every 330 thousand cigarettes you smoke will come to you free

MIN BANNISTER: Freeeeeeeeee! Freeeee

HENRY CRUN: And will be lit for you by our board director

SEAGOON: Thank heavens, my days of poverty are over [laughs]! What I want to know is how many cigarettes a day do I need to smoke?

GRYTPYPE: Just one, Ned and in that order

SEAGOON: Alright, I’ll sicken

GRAMS: Donkey braying

GRYTPYPE: What an unusual signature. Alright lads, bring the cigarettes in

GRAMS: Footsteps approaching

CARRIER 1: I’ve got it there, mind the filter

CARRIER 2: Lower it down now

CARRIER 1: Lower it down

GRAMS: Strain, crash!

SEAGOON: Curse, trapped by a ninety-foot long cigarette!

GRYTPYPE: Come along Ned, you’ve only got eight hours to fulfil the contract. Light the end, Moriarty

MORIARTY: Ooowww, puff away, puff puff puff

GRAMS: Sizzling

SEAGOON: As I puffed at the giant cigarette, the heat drove out half the inhabitants of London

GREENSLADE: Oh thank you John, we haven’t been since we saw Hell’s Angels. Meantime, coughing Ned of Wales plans to escape

GRAMS: Ridiculous coughing

SEAGOON: Oh dear Bloodnok [coughs], I need your help

BLOODNOK: What? Well you can stand by me to rely on you. Feel this ~quill fair~

SEAGOON: Now have you a lighter than air machine?

AR LONG: Ah, Ar Long, [speaks gibberish Chinese] nah

SEAGOON: Well get along, Ar Long\

AR LONG: Hold tight

GRAMS: Chinese-like song, eventually speeding up

BLOODNOK: Aeough!

GRAMS: Gunshots

BLOODNOK: Look, it’s Count Moriarty giving chase in the tobacco-powered ground zeppelin. Full speed in all directions

SEAGOON: It’s only thirteen miles to safe harbour

ECCLES: Thirteen miles? That’s an unlucky number

SEAGOON: Oh, fourteen miles then

ECCLES: You see it was unlucky; we’re a mile further away now

SEAGOON: I say we’re up high

BLOODNOK: Gad, the sun’s hot

ECCLES: Well you shouldn’t touch it

BLOODNOK: Shut up, Eccles

GRAMS: Gunshots

ECCLES: I think Moriarty’s fired an earshot?

SEAGOON: Why?

ECCLES: I’ve just been shot in my ear

SEAGOON: There’s no fuel like a no fuel

ECCLES: If only we had some tin-sliced garlic

SEAGOON: Why?

ECCLES: I love tin-sliced garlic

BLOODNOK: Look, we shall have to burn our clothes. Draw the blinds, nurse. Eccles, off with those thorn-proof trousers

FX: Phone rings, phone off hook

MORIARTY: [on phone] Ha ha ha, now listen to me, Bloodnok

BLOODNOK: Who gave you the phone number of this balloon, Moriarty?

MORIARTY: [on phone] A man called Tom

BLOODNOK: What?

MORIARTY: [on phone] Hand over smoking Ned of Wales and we’ll see you get a fair trial and a fair hanging

BLOODNOK: Ned, you’ll have to surrender

SEAGOON: Not one step nearer, Bloodnok or I’ll put a bullet between your eyes

BLOODNOK: I didn’t know they made them that small

SEAGOON: You’ll never take me dead or alive

BLOODNOK: But isn’t there any other way?

GRAMS: Short explosion

GREENSLADE: A direct hit from the tobacco-powered zeppelin on the rice-paper balloon. We join the crew in the hospital

SEAGOON: Ohohoho, oh doctor

SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] you’re lucky to be alive, man

SEAGOON: Why?

SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] I tried to kill you three times

SEAGOON: You’re just saying that to cheer me up

SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] Ah yes thrup me yune

SEAGOON: Tell me what happened to Bloodnok and Eccles

SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] unfortunately nothin’. Now then thrup lar. Put this wee thing in your mouth

SEAGOON: [strains] aaaaaarrrrrr

GRYTPYPE: Match, Neddie

SEAGOON: Noo, it’s a cigarette [cries]

ORCHESTRA: Showtime melody

GREENSLADE: Yes that was it, the last of them, so bye now