The Missing Prime Minister

A comparison of the original series four version and the re-done vintage goons version:

Series Four Episode 15 [ ] 'The Missing Prime Minister'

Series Vintage Goons, Episode 3 { } 'The Missing Ten Downing Street'.

Originally transcribed by K8 June '03

\ ... \ cut out of LP version of VG show

In the Series 4 version the Grytpype character probably should be called Sanders.

\{Greenslade: This is the BBC. As a substitute for entertainment and contrary to the Geneva Convention, we present the Goon Show!}\

\{GRAMS: final 7 seconds of old 1920s record of instrumental tune

Greenslade: And that concludes Aaron Copland's recital for this evening. Next week we will be broadcasting from an Irish leg-wrestling factory in Nova Scotia. The violin solos will be played by a solo violinist.}\

[Secombe: I just want to thank the Chelsea Pensioners for the Christmas Pudding they sent us, and the instructions on how to use it.]

[Eccles: ~~~ Happy New Year!]

[Secombe: Why it's Viscountess Boil]

[Eccles: Yep. No, it's no good, I can't tell a lie. I'm not Countess Boil - this beard is false, uh ha ha hum.]

[Secombe: Welcome Michael Bentine.]

[Eccles: Thank you. ... he he he, oh here, guess what I got in my piece of Christmas Pudding?]

[Secombe: A threepenny (pron. thrupney) bit?]

[Eccles: Yeah, it tasted delicious! Oh I was having a good time.]

[Secombe: Yes, thank you. Get away Eccles. Now ladies and Gentlemen, and other denominations, as a special treat for listeners on the Mongolian overseas service we give you ...]

{Greenslade: The BBC presents "Vintage Goons". Another in a series of programs first broadcast to British listeners in 1954.}

{Ned: /Thank you, Wal./ And now listeners, this is Neddie Seagoon (megaphone) speaking with the new electric microphone, folks. Hello folks! Hello folks! Can you hear me, folks?}

{OMNES: Arrrrrrrr. }

{Ned: Then listen to the mystery as told by}

Ned: "The Man in Black".

Orch: Gong

Sellers: (Alec Guinness) Thank you. Actually, I'm not "The Man in Black"; {the truth is, I'm Guinness,} [I am ] "The Man in the White Suit", but on {the}[my] way here I fell down a coal-hole. {This gentleman here} [Oh, and this ]is my secretary.

Ned: [Hmmm,] You fell down a coal-hole too, then?

Ray: Man, I {did not} [never did].

{Ned: Silence Ellington.}

{Ray: Yim bam balla boo!}

{Ned: I'll have a whitewash brush to you (not in these trousers, mate). Now then,}

{Ned:}[Sellers:] pray silence {as we} [while I] tell [you] the story of "The Missing Prime Minister {of 1953}"!

Orch: Dramatic chords (ba ba baba bom)

{Greenslade: It was midnight on Christmas Eve 1953. Inspector Seagoon was checking with a policeman on the beat.}

[Ned: My name is Seagoon. Inspector Gladys Seagoon. At midnight on Christmas Eve, 1953 I was checking with a policeman on duty in Downing Street.]

[fx: Footsteps on cobbled street.]

[Willium: Ah! Evening inspector.]

[Ned: Good evening sergeant, everything all right in number ten?]

[Willium: Yes inspector.

[Ned: Constable, where's your helmet?]

[Willium: Well inspector a Christmas reveller whipped it for an ash-tray.]

[Ned: Now, we can't have that sort of thing going on you know.]

[Churchill: Ah, sergeant, here's your helmet back. And a merry Christmas to you all. Not a word to Lady Astor about this.]

[fx: Door closes.]

{GRAMS: The Great Clock of Westminster striking the four quarters - one set of footsteps - all speeded up and slowed down.}

{Ned: Good evening, Constable and law guardian.}

{Willium: Hullo, good evening there, Inspector mate. }

{Ned: Everything all right at Number Ten?

\{Willium: I dunno. I'll lift this man'ole cover up and you can 'ear for yourself.}\

\{GRAMS: metal cover raised; party sounds, piano playing "Who Were You With Last Night" along with voices singing along plus chatter.}\

\{Ned: (over) Gad! Licentious revelry at Number Ten Downing Street. Good job the Prime Minister's away.}\

\{Willium: 'E ain't, mate. 'E's leading the singin', 'e is.}\

\{Ned: Oho. What a happy family man, he is. Aha ha ha.}\

\{Willium: Yes.}\

{Ned: Wait! Where's your hairy helmet gone?}

{Willium: The Prime Minister knocked it orf with a snowball.}

{Ned: Did he? You'll get promotion for this.}

{Willium: Oh ta. Just in time for retirement.}

{Ned: Keep up the good work!}

{Willium: Yes I will.}

[Ned: That occurred about midnight. Then at two in the morning ...]

{Greenslade: That was at midnight; then, at twelve hundred hours.......}

FX: Telephone rings and is picked up

[Welsh: (Secombe) Hello?]

{Spriggs: Hello Jeem.}

Grytpype: Who is that?

{Spriggs:}[Welsh:] This is {the} Bow Street police station speaking ['ere!]. {(sings) Speeeek-iiiiing. }

Grytpype: What a clever police station.

{Spriggs: You'll get a punch up the conk Jim. (sings - two-octave) Right up the coooonk, yabadabool.}

{Grytpype: Withhold your two-octave conk punch, while I unfold the tale of a certain story. }

{Spriggs: I'll take everything down, Jim. }

{Grytpype: Don't do that! You'll catch cold.}

{Spriggs: Ohh.}

{Spriggs:}[Welsh: ] Ah ha. What's your name sir?

Grytpype: It's Mr Avery T. Deacon Harry.

{Spriggs: I'll just right that down.}

{Spriggs:}[Welsh:] Avery T. Deacon Harry. What's the T. for?

Grytpype: Tom.

{Spriggs:}[Welsh:] Oh, I see. Avery Tom Deacon Harry.

{Spriggs: Now sir, what's the trouble?}

[Grytpype: You know me?]

[Welsh: Oh yes, my sister's always running after you! ha ha ha. Now, ah, what's the trouble?]

Grytpype: Ten Downing Street has gone, laddie.

{Spriggs: Owwww!}

Grytpype: It's not there!

{Spriggs:}[Welsh:] What do you mean "gone"? {(sings) What do you mean "gone"? What do you mean "gone"? }

Grytpype: {I'll tell you.}[Well] In between number{s} 9 and 11, there is a blank space.

{Spriggs: (sings)}[Welsh:] Nothing there?

Grytpype: Nothing save a {space between 9 and 11}[man who's just pitched a small tent.].

[Welsh: Who's the man?]

[Grytpype: An itinerant Egyptian named Ali Bevan.]

{Spriggs:}[Welsh: I think you've been] {Are you }pulling my leg?

Grytpype: {No, }why?

{Spriggs:}[Welsh:] It's just dropped off.

{Grytpype: I see...Well, don't wake it up then.}

Greenslade: That was at 2am. At 2:15, Inspector Seagoon received a report of a mysterious 'phone call.

Ned: [Hmmm, ]It says the man claims 10 Downing Street is missing? Hmmm. Eccles, we'd better [take a ]drive up {there}[to Downing Street].

Eccles: What for?

Ned: I want to look 'round.

Eccles: But you already look round. Oh ho ho ho ho. {Oh, we're having fun tonight.}

[Ned: Constable Eccles, remember it doesn't pay to be rude.]

[Eccles: Oh no? You seen Gilbert Harding's new Rolls Royce?]

Ned: {Yes, yes.} Is your squad car handy?

Eccles: Yep, I tuned the engine myself and [now ]I can get an extra two miles an hour out of her.

Ned: How fast did she go before?

Eccles: {She} ain't ever been before.

Ned: In that case, I'll walk; it'll be quicker.

[Eccles: Oh yeah? Well I'll drive my car 'round there. You walk and we'll see who gets there first. Huh!]

{Eccles: All right den. You walk! I'll drive de car an' you walk! We'll see....we'll see who gets dere first. (lip smacking noises)}

Ned: OK, good bye!

{FX: Door slams }

Eccles: {OK, my good man. Goodbye den...}Goodbye! {Ow. OK, we'll see... (shouts)} Oh Inspector?

Ned: (off mic) Yes?

Eccles: When you get dere, wait for me!

Orch: {Dramatic chords (ba ba baba bom)}[Hancock's Half Hour linking type cords]

Greenslade: On arrival at Downing Street, Inspector Seagoon was horrified.

Eccles: Yeah! I got dere first!

Greenslade: Number 10 Downing Street was missing. The area was soon alive with CID men. The duty Constable was closely questioned{, quostioned and quistioned}.

Willium: Yes, well...Oh dear...I was tied up, Inspector, and then they gagged me with this; they got it from ten Downing Street.

Ned: Oh, a hand towel.

Willium: Yeah, they stuffed it in me mouf.

Ned: Oh. I see. [These initials on the corner must mean Winston Churchill.]

[Willium: I 'ope so.]

[Ned: Yes, now (clears throat) your report?]

Willium: Well sir, {it's like this, you see;} at twelve thirty, a monster lorry pull up outside, ten men jump[s] out and wallop[s] me on [the]{my} 'ead. I turn round to see who it was, and "wallop, wallop" on {my}[the] 'ead again. [As ]I stood up, {you see, 'ave a quick vada, no one there, and} "wallop, wallop, wallop [wallop]" all on my 'ead. {As I took out me notebook, all official like,}[Then as I was taking me notebook out] "wallop, wallop, wallop" {on my 'ead, all wallops, all over my 'ead. An' then I...}[Wallops on the head all the time. I...]

Ned: Yes, yes, yes. But did you notice anything about these men?

Willium: Yes...

[Ned: What?]

Willium: I noticed they kept walloping me on the 'ead!

Ned: And, to your knowledge, the Prime Minister was in the house?

Willium: Yeah. {An'} when I come {three, er,} too, the 'ouse was gone.

Ned: The Prime Minister gone?! He's got to be found quickly! [Otherwise England's cigar trade is ruined!]

Spike: {(Thesp)} Inspector! I found these lying in the road [sir]!

Ned: Ah...a pair of gloves, eh?

[Spike: Yes.]

Ned: These may help us...

[Spike: Good ... Alright sir?]

Ned: [Oh] Curse!

Spike: {(Thesp)} What's up sir?

Ned: They don't fit me.

Spike: {(Thesp)} Ohhhhh.

Ned: {Where's the ace cardboard detective?} [Bluebottle? Bluebottle!]

Bluebottle: [I heard you call me. ]I heard you call, my Captain. I heard you call[-ed me]! {(sings) deedle deedle der dum. (sings new signature tune).} Give your command and it will be done-ed! I will not flinch from my duty! [As] I stand ready! [(to self)Moves left, remains silent]

Ned: {Bluebottle...}Bluebottle, have these gloves analysed at once.

Bluebottle: It shall be done my Captain,[ it shall be done-ed.] with all speed! I go! Farewell! [(to self) Salutes badly, exits left]

Ned: Stout lad. [Very stout lad, yes] Sergeant Max Geldray? See what you can make of this small, blunt instrument. [Exit Secombe, pursued by a cow]

{GRAMS: Many running feet - cries of "Brandy!"}

\Interval: Max Geldray plays {"'S'Wonderful"}["'Deed I Do."]

[Applause]\

\Ned: Just as I thought Geldray, a lethal weapon. Report to [Sandy Macpherson (*1) for foreign service with Anna Neagle's]{Count Basie for foreign service with Arthur Murray's} Dancing Bears.\

Bluebottle: {Right}[Ahhh, my ] Captain, I have returned, I'm back. {(points at own face - toot-toot-toot-toot)}[I've arrived and to prove it I ...]

[Ned: Shhhh. Bygraves (*2) might be listening.]

{Ned: Well?}

Bluebottle: {Well, I will tell you.} These gloves, {what I have got,} have been thoroughly analysed [and tested ]at a laboratory.

Ned: And?

Bluebottle: [And ]We have ascertained the exact type what {is} they are.

Ned: {Good.}[Splendid] What type are they?

Bluebottle: They're [the type]{what} you wear on your hands.

Ned: Bluebottle, I am proud [to ]here and now, to give you the rank of Constable, First Class. {Just stand on this springboard... }

[Bluebottle: (with great appreciation) Ohhh, Constable First Cl' ... (realisation) You rotten swine. I was already a sergeant! Oh, you have demoted me. Oh the disgrace, I shall throw myself in the river ... when the weather gets warmer. Ohhh farewell cruel world, farewell. (to self) Exits left on workman's tram.]

{FX: Boing }

{Bluebottle: Eugh. }

{GRAMS: Splosh }

{Little Jim: He's fallen in da water.}

{Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! Eugh. Farewell cruel world! (sinks slowly into underpants) }

Ned: He's upset about something Sergeant.

Greenslade: Yes. Still, Inspector, while the police force have men like Bluebottle, what have they got to worry about?

Ned: Men like Eccles.

Greenslade: Yes {indeed}, men like Eccles.

Eccles: Women like Eccles too! Oh ho ho.

Ned: Now Eccles, what is the exact time?

Eccles: {The time? It's ...}Oh, it's getting on.

Ned: Thank you.

Eccles: [Good]{Ta}.

Ned: (shouts) Now, gather 'round everyone.

{Spike:}[Omnes:] Rhubarb rhubarb, {I'm everyone. }

Ned: {Men! Stop the rhubarb. (shouts)} men, this is the position. Someone claims that they saw a large lorry with what looked like 10 Downing Street strapped to the back!

{Bluebottle: (echoing Ned, about half a second behind)....to the back.}

[Omnes: Good heavens (etc)]

Ned: Yes, yes indeed.]

Ned: {(shouts)} So we intend to set up police and military roadblocks on all main roads!

{Bluebottle: (echoing Ned, about half a second behind)...main roads. }

{Ned: Shut up Bluebottle! }

{Bluebottle: Shut up Bluebottle. }

Ned: {(shouts)} Flying squad cars will stop all...(self fades)

Orch: {Dramatic chords} [Time passing type harp cords]

GRAMS: Car

Ned: Slow down at this corner Bluebottle.

Bluebottle: Right-ho, [my ]Captain.

Eccles: (slow, talking over police radio) {Hello,} Hello. {Policeman} Eccles calling Inspector Seagoon's car. {Hello (over top of the start of Neds line)}

Ned: Hello Eccles, Seagoon answering, over.

Eccles: Inspector? I think I'm on to something. I've been tailing a car {up de Great North}[on de] Road for the last 30 miles, and it looks {very} suspicious.

Ned: Overtake him at once!

Eccles: But he's doin' {a hundred}[over eighty] miles an hour.

Ned: Well, try and pass him.

Eccles: {Well, I'll try,}[Ok,] but he's got the advantage over me.

Ned: {Why?}[ What do you mean?]

Eccles: He's in a car, I'm {walkin'}[ running behind].

Ned: You've got boots on?

Eccles: [Yeah] I've got boots on.

Ned: {Then}[Well] none of these silly excuses; get that car!

Eccles: OK, over {and out}.

Ned: Right. Now ...{Driver}[Captain (Corporal???)] Bluebottle? How's the time going?

Bluebottle: It's going "tick-tock, tick-tock, tick [tock]."

Ned: It must be the same make as mine; mine goes "tick-tock" too.

Bluebottle: Mine doesn't go "tick-tock-too", mine just goes "tick-tock, tick-tock...tick [tock]."

GRAM: Smashing glass, crashes and thumps [(yells from Seagoon)]

Bluebottle: Eugh! [I'm hitted with a brick.] Someone's hitted me with a brick! Eughew. (narrating)[clutches badly injured bonce. Oh! Falls to floor of car, writhes in agony, oh sweat falls from brow, blood, oh!] face turns green, ear{s} fall[s] off, legs turn to jelly, [screams, falls forward on gear lever, faints, ohh (???)] {goes cross-eyed with agony. Faints, on soft part of ground}.

Ned: Bluebottle, are you hurt?

Eccles: (slow, talking over police radio) Hello? Calling Inspector Seagoon?

Ned: Oh blast! Hello Eccles, what is it?

Eccles: Good news. I['ve managed to] stopped that car!

Ned: How?

Eccles: I threw a brick at the driver!

Ned: {You threw a brick...?! }[What?!]

Eccles: Just a minute, just a minute...Hup...OK. I just threw another brick at {his mate}[the bloke in the car wid him].

Ned: Eccles, you idiot. You....

FX: Wood block

Ned: Oh!

Eccles: Hello? Hello, Inspector Seagoon? I've got his mate as well! Hello?...Hello?....Ohhhhhh.

Orch: {Dramatic chords} [(same linking cords as before)]

Sellers: (Radio reporter) At five in the morning. There was still no news of the missing Prime Minister or number 10 Downing Street. Finally the BBC, after high-level consultations, decided to broadcast the following bulletin to the nation.

Greenslade: Owing to frost, the swimming gala at Lord's {Cricket Ground} has been postponed. In its place you can hear {"Hamlet on Ice"}[Twenty Questions on Ice]{, it helps to keep it fresh.}

Bloodnok: Switch that radio thing off, {will you?}[Switch it off, Ah]...That's better. Oh, stuck out here at five in the morning, in charge of a {military} roadblock. What a life. Still, duty before pleasure! Now, {let me see} men {...yes!} I'll pay pontoons only. Let's {be} having you now, {come along... }

{GRAMS: cash dropping onto table }

OMNES: Unhappy muttering

Bloodnok: Never mind lads, {never mind. Let's have} another round.

Private Bogg: (Harry) Not for me {Sir}[Major Bloodnok], I'm skint.

Bloodnok: No money?

{Private Bogg: No.}

Bloodnok: {Flatten (Knurkel ???)}[Grapple] me gronkers! Get outside on guard, {fool military fool}[bounder]! How dare you play cards when you should be {at your post}[on duty]?! To your {duties}[post]...quick...march!

FX: one pair of footsteps marching away [to sound of drum]- under

Bloodnok: Left...Left...Left, right, left...Come on. Pick 'em up!

FX: footsteps stop suddenly

Bloodnok: Now...put 'em down again.

FX: footsteps continue

[Bloodnok: Left, left right, ...]

[Private Bogg: Major?]

[Bloodnok: What?]

[Private Bogg: I've just found 10 bob!]

[Bloodnok: About turn. To the card table, dismissed!]

Ellington: (off mic - shouts) Hello there.

Private Bogg: Sir!

{Bloodnok: What?}

Private Bogg: There's somebody creeping about, outside.

Bloodnok: What?! Give me my pistol...[now my] sword...hand me that rifle [lad]... [now me] steel helmet...and that hand grenade...{breastplate and armoured shield. Right,} now Private Bogg, take this stick and go and see who it is. {While I go and have my 'photo taken under the bed.}

Private Bogg: Right [you are] Sir.

FX: Door opens

Private Bogg: Hello? (clears throat) Hello? (clears throat) Anybody there? (clears throat) Hello? Hello-ho? (clears throat) Anybody out there in the dark?

Bloodnok: Well Bogg? Is there anybody there?

Private Bogg: No Sir. Not a soul.

Bloodnok: {Oh...Then I'll take charge of this. (shouts)} Come {on} out and fight [you cowards] {, you out there in the dark! (to Bogg) I say,} you're sure there's nobody {out} there, are you?

Private Bogg: I'm {positive} [sure sir].

Bloodnok: {Right.} (shouts) Come on you cowards. [Come out of there, ] Come and fight! {Oh ho ho ho...} That scared them away. {(shouts)} You've run away, haven't you?

Ellington: (off mic) Oh no I ain't!

Bloodnok: Argghh!

FX: door slams {bolts slid across} - {knocking on}[pounding on metal] door under

Private Bogg: Major, open the door! {Let me in!}

Bloodnok: I can't, I'm in the bath.

Private Bogg: [Please] Let me in!

Bloodnok: {I'm sorry, all vacancies are filled.}[Never!]

Private Bogg: You can have [this ]ten bob!

FX: door opening and closing {- cash register, coin in tray}

Private Bogg: Thank you Major. I was {so} frightened out there.

Ellington: {(very close)} Man, so was I.

Bloodnok: Aeuoigh. Hands up or I shoot!

Ellington: Hey, don't [you] point that thing at me.

Bloodnok: {You'll feel no pain;}[Don't worry] it's not loaded. Now, Who are you, [and] what do you want?

Ellington: Me{ man}? {Well}[Oh,] I just dropped off a lorry.

Bloodnok: You're not a spare tyre{ are you}?

Ellington: Oh no. It was a lorry with a large building strapped on the back.

Bloodnok: What? {That might be number 10 Downing Street.} I must contact HQ at once! [That might be 10 Downing Street on the back.] Bogg, go and try and find a telephone, and you...{play Ray. }[You better earn your dinner money]

Ellington: Well all right!

{Bloodnok: Round the back for the brandy, quickly. }

{GRAMS: Running feet }

\Interval: Ray Ellington plays - {"Lover Come Back to Me"}["Woe is me", "You Rascal You"].

[(Applause)]\

Greenslade: At six in the morning, Private Bogg approached a house in {the shape of a 'plane. He had} hopes of using the telephone. Inside, {however,} all was asleep.

FX: clock ticking under

Henry: [snoring] ah, dear, dear, dear, dear (mouth noises - sleeping) ah, dear, dear, dear

FX: alarm clock under

Henry: (wakes up) What? Oh dear, {dear (snores) oh dear dear dear, what, what, what,} what, what, what, what? What!? {(lip smacking noises) Oh drat it! The alarm clock again. Much too early, I'll think I'll turn it off...Where have my specer-tic-als gone? I think they were on the mantelpiece. I'll just feel along... }[fiddle fiddle. The alarm clocks gone off too early. I ... better turn it off I suppose. Where are my spec-tic-cals. I think I put them on the mantelpiece, ... just feel along ...]

{FX: things falling off mantelpiece û pots, pans etc - under}

Henry: {Oh dear, dear, dear,} steady [does it] Mr Crun, oh dear, dear {, oh dear what have I done now?}

Min: {(off mic)} Henry!

Henry: Oh dear. I mustn't wake Minnie up.

Min: {(off mic)} Henry! Henry Crun!?

Henry: Are you awake Min[nie] ?

[Min: Henry?]

FX: alarm clock stops, things falling stops

Henry: Are you calling Min[nie]?

Min: {(off mic)} {Yes} the alarm's going [Henry].

Henry: It's stopped now Min.

Min: {(off mic)} Turn ... turn it off Henry.

[Henry: It's stopped Min.]

[Min: {(off mic)} ~~~ Turn it off Henry.]

[Henry: It's stopped Min.]

[Min: I can't hear it's stopped.]

[(Arguing over each other)]

{Henry: I have turned it off. It's stopped Min. }

{Min: (off mic) It's going "rrrrring" }

{Henry: It wasn't going "ring". It's stopped Min, I tell you!}

{Min: (off mic) Rrrrring, rrrrrrring.}

{Henry: I've turned it off Min. Don't tell me... }

(Pause) [(song of clock ticking, no alarm]

{Min: (off mic) Rrrrrring}

{Henry: It's off Min! Have a caraway seed, and shut up.}

FX: alarm clock starts again

[(Arguing over each other)]

{Min: (off mic) What did you say Henry? }

Henry: {What, what?} It's stopped now.

Min: {(off mic)} It's stopped now, Henry.

Henry: No! It's started again.

Min: {(off mic)} It's stopped Henry, no need to bother.

Henry: It's started I tell you.

[(Arguing over each other)]

{Min: (off mic - shouting at Henry under his line) }

{Henry: It's started. It's going "rrrring" }

{Min: (off mic - shouting at Henry under his line)}

{Henry: It's going "ring" I'm telling you.}

{Min: (off mic - shouting at Henry under his line)}

{Henry: It's going "ring", I can hear!...There!}

FX: alarm clock stops

[Min: Merry Christmas, what?]

{Henry: Min? Modern Min?}

{Min: (off mic) What is it? }

Henry: Where['s] {are} my specer-tic-als[ Minnie?]?

Min: {(off mic) Your specer-tic-als are} in your trousers {Henry}.

[Henry: What?]

[Min: In your trousers!]

[Henry: No it's ...]

{Henry: Arrr }

FX: knock on door

{Henry and Min: (cries of alarm)}

Henry: Who's that at the door, eh?!

Min: {We'll all be murdered in our beds, ohhh!}[... in your trousers].

{Henry: Yes?}

{Private Bogg: (muffled) }

{Henry: Who's that at the door eh?}

Private Bogg: (muffled)

Henry: Whoever you are, speak through the letterbox.

Private Bogg: Is that better?

Henry: Yes, who are you {sir}?

Private Bogg: {Well,} I have come to ask if we can use your 'phone....

FX: alarm clock starts ringing

[Min: Henry!]

{Private Bogg: ...because we've had a bit of trouble in the ... }

{Min: (off mic) It's going Henry }

Private Bogg: {...we've had a lot of things to do ... and we'd like} to use the telephone.

{Henry: But I haven't got a ... }

Min: {(off mic)} [Min: That isn't the telephone.]{~~~ ~~~ ~~~} It's the alarm clock.

Henry: {Please Min}[Minnie!]. There's a man at the door.

Min: {(off mic)} Did you hear what I said?

FX: alarm clock stops

Henry: {Yes,} I didn't hear what you said [Min].

Private Bogg: I said "Can we borrow your telephone?"

FX: alarm clock starts ringing

Min: {(off mic)} There it goes again! {~~~ ~~~}[Henry, why don't you stop it?]

Henry: I can't see it Min[nie]. I can't find {where} my specer-tic-als{ are}.

Min: (off mic) They're in your trousers[ Henry]!

{Henry: What?}

Private Bogg: Hello? Can we borrow your telephone, please?

FX: alarm stops

Henry: Did you say "in my trousers" Min?

Private Bogg: No, I said "can I borrow your telephone?"

Henry: (getting cross) We haven't got a telephone!

Min: {(off mic)} I know we haven't got a telephone{, Henry}!

Private Bogg: But I heard it ringing.

Henry: That was the alarm clock ringing!

[All three arguing as before over top of each other]

{Min: (off mic) You're right, it is ringing. }

{Henry: Shut up, you rotten old fool, you! }

{Min: (off mic) Don't you talk to me... }

{Henry: Arghh }

{Private Bogg: Can we borrow the telephone, please? }

{Henry: (angry) I tell you, this was not a telephone! }

{Private Bogg: We'd like to use the 'phone because we've had a bit of trouble... }

Orch: {dramatic chords }[Hancock link music]

Bloodnok: Five thirty and Bogg hasn't returned yet. Still too dark to see a thing.

Eccles: (coming towards mic, singing) I travel the road...

Bloodnok: {Splan me blins!}[Strangle me stroggle] Who is {it}[that] ? Hands up!

Eccles: {I can't put my} hands up[? But ] , I'm...

Bloodnok: Hands up {or I fire!}

Eccles: OK

FX: {lots of metal hitting ground} [big crash]

Bloodnok: {Now what's happened? }[What's up]

Eccles: I was {riding a}[on a] bike!

Bloodnok: Come {here! Ough! Perish me fabula! }[near here, will you?]

Eccles: {(makes whooping noise)}[Ok]

Bloodnok: {Thank you.}[Ohh, florish me fabulor.] Who are you {two}[you] ragged looking goon?

Eccles: {Aoogh argh}, I'm a policeman.

Bloodnok: {If you're a policeman,}[And ] I'm Marilyn Monroe!

Eccles: Wow!

Bloodnok: Put me down at once!

Eccles: {Wait a minute! Turn 'round!...} [Hey, ] You're not Marilyn Monroe!

Bloodnok: {I told you I wasn't.} What a bitter disappointment {to}[for] us both.

[Eccles: It's agony.]

[Bloodnok: Now,] Hold out your wrists.

FX: chains

Bloodnok: Now your ankles.

FX: chains

Bloodnok: Your neck[s] .

[Eccles: Now my necks.]

FX: chains

Bloodnok: And now, into this {iron cell}[hut] .

{FX: cell door slams }

[Bloodnok: Come along]

[Eccles: Ok. ... Here, tell me something?]

[Bloodnok: What?]

Eccles: {Um,} am I a prisoner?

Bloodnok: {Prisoner? What an imagination you have! }[No, of course you're not]

Eccles: {Well, I thought you were Marilyn Monroe; you can't have a better imagination than that, can you?... Anyhow,}[Then] why did you put all these chains on me?

Bloodnok: Well {...they suit you. }[you see this morning I lost a piece of the chain.

Eccles: Yar.

Bloodnok: But, the moment I saw you...

Eccles: Yar.

Bloodnok: I knew you were the missing link.

Eccles: Ohhh. Thank you, thank you.]

FX: knock on door

Bloodnok: [Come in, ]I surrender!

FX: door opens

Ned: Eccles!

Eccles: Inspector!

{Bloodnok: Bloodnok! }

Ned: {Eccles,} what are you doing in {that cell}[here] ?

Eccles: {I'm not doing anything in it}[I'm having a good time.]

[Ned: Eccles have to wait (there's no time to waste - PW ???).] .

{Ned: Thank heaven for that! Bloodnok, bad news!}

{Bloodnok: What?}

Ned: 10 Downing Street and the PM are in France! Last reported travelling towards Paris, Follow me!

[Eccles:]{Bloodnok:} Ohhh!

Orch: {dramatic chords }[link chords]

Sellers (radio reporter) By seven on Christmas morning, {Paris}[Seagoon] was in France, {so was Seagoon}. French police, {ever willing, }supplied flying squad transport.

FX: horse slowly plodding along road - under

Eccles: I'm not driving too fast for you fellows, am I?

Ned: I can't understand it; the French police have been most uncooperative. So very secretive, {it's, it's...}

Eccles: {Yeah, well dese French}[These Parisians] are always tryin' to hide something.

Bloodnok: Not at the Folies Bergeres they're not!

Ned: Please Major; this is not the time to think of women!

Bloodnok: {What?}[Isn't it?] Well, {tell me}[let me know] when it is, will you? I{'ll be there. }

Ned: {Look! }[Stop the cart Eccles.]

Bloodnok: Stop the cart Eccles.

Ned: The trail leads into {that French bois.}[that wood.]

{Bloodnok: He's right. Stop the cart Eccles.}

Eccles: OK. Whoa {boy...}

FX: horse continues plodding

Eccles: Whoa [there] .

FX: horse continues plodding

Eccles: Whoa{, back} boy...whoa.

FX: horse continues plodding

Eccles: [Stop.] Good horse [there]...whoa. Stop [boy], whoa.

FX: horse continues plodding

Eccles: Whoa...back boy...stop...whoa. {Nice horse...whoa...whoa horse, whoooa horse, stop horse ... stop horse, ulumalumalum}.

FX: horse continues plodding

[Ned: Try shouting stop in French.

[Eccles: Stop in french. Stop in French. Stop in Chinese. Stop ...]

Bloodnok: What a big, [stupid] lumbering idiot he is.

Eccles: Don't speak to dat horse like that.

Bloodnok: I was speaking to you {, you fool! Stop the animal}!

{Ned: You fools; that horse is a foreigner. Try shouting stop in French. }

{Eccles: Oh yeah...Stop in French! Stop in French! }

[Ned: Men, look, in the woods there. A house]

[Bloodnok: Flatten me knobkerrie (*4) with a sledge-hammer!. It's Ten Downing Street.]

[Ned: Off the cart, together jump.]

{Ned: It's no good; we'll have to jump off. }

{Eccles: But I haven't got a parachute. }

{Bloodnok: Here, swallow mine. }

{Eccles: (swallows and smacks lips) It wasn't cooked! }

{Bloodnok: Never mind. }

{Ned: Jump lads! }

Eccles, Ned and Bloodnok: Arrrrrrrrrgh

{FX: three bodies landing }

Ned: {Did you hurt yourself}[Are you hurt] Eccles?

Eccles: No, should I jump again?

Ned: Save it for the Eiffel Tower.

{Bloodnok: Here, Seagoon; through my telescope, I can see 10 Downing Street in the woods. }

{Ned: Let me observe...Gad, it looks real close through this telescope! }

{Bloodnok: It's miles away, really. }

{Eccles: Well, if it's nearer wid the telescope, lets crawl through the telescope. }

{Ned: Brilliant Eccles! }

{FX: three pops }

{Ned: Right, are we all through? }

{Greenslade: As far as being comics, yes. }

{Ned: (raspberry) Silence Greenslade, keep your place! And your haddock and cod! Hup! }

{Orch: Tatty Ta ra }

{Ned: Thank yew. }

{Spike: (off mic) Every one a gem. }

[Ned: Bloodnok? Keep that gun ready. I'll knock]

{Greenslade: During that brief chord, our heroes arrived at the door of the missing number 10 Downing Street. }

FX: {long fancy knocking on door -}[knock at door,] {door opens }

{Grytpype: Yes? }

[Sellers: (French) Bonjour? Who are you?

{Ned: My name's Seagoon. }

{Grytpype: You must be a drummer. (?)}

Ned: I'm an Inspector.

{Grytpype:}[French:] Of course, the drains. This way {sir}[please].

Ned: A police Inspector, {sir! I only inspect police. Now} tell us, is this place 10 Downing Street?

{Grytpype: Who wants to know? }

[French: Oui.]

[Ned: We? We what?]

[French: Ahh ... Oui ... ah ... Oui, ah (starts into song with others accompanying him) We want the nothing and nothing whats we want ~~~(We want Muffin, Muffin the Mule, we want -PW ???)

{Ned: A police Inspector by the name of Seagoon. }

[Ned: Stop, you can't have 'im you foreign devil.

[French: ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ (French type noises)]

[Ned: Answer me. Is this 10 Downing Street?]

Bloodnok: {Answer man,} answer. Remember, this sword is loaded{, and so am I}.

[fx: phone rings.]

[Ned: Eccles! Answer that phone.]

[fx: phone continues to ring under:]

[Eccles: Hello, hello, hello?]

[Ned: Pick it up first you fool!]

[Eccles: Oh, Ah that's better. Hello. Ohhh, oww, oww, yes sir, ok.]

[fx: Phone down.]

[Eccles: Hey, that was that Prime Minister, he's been kidnapped by the French and they've given him a job.

[Ned: But we need him back in England.]

[Eccles: Don't worry, it's a very short job.]

[Ned: What is it?]

[Eccles: Prime Minister of France. Ha ha. Here, and guess what?]

[Ned: What?]

[Eccles: He's having a good time!]

{Grytpype: If you must know, the Prime Minister and the entire British Cabinet are in the next room, debating certain affairs that they didn't wish the British people to hear.}

{Ned: So that's why they brought 10 Downing Street to France!!!}

{Orch: Ta ra.}

{Greenslade: And there we conclude our story. There will be a silver collection for the actors.}

{Ned: Stop! Wal, dear, big, fat Wal. You can't leave the British Government in a wood in France! }

{Grytpype: You can't think of a better place to leave them, can you?}

{Ned and Grytpype: Laugh (getting more and more manic)}

{GRAMS: "Land of Hope and Glory" gradually speeded up}

Orch: {"Old Comrades March"} [Signature tune]

(music fades out)

[Ned: And that mister "Man in Black" is your story?]

[Grytpype: Yes, that is the true story of the missing Prime Minister.]

[Ned: Have you anything else to say?]

[Grytpype: Yes I have.]

[Ned: What?]

[Grytpype: Just this, (war whoop).]

[Orch: Signature tune starts again.]

[Greenslade: That was the Goon Show. A recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. Produced by Peter Eton.]

{Greenslade: That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. The script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, program produced by Roy Speer.}

Notes:

1) Sandy Macpherson - concert organist --- Winalski, June '03.

2) Bygraves. (Max Bygraves, British variety artiste. His catch-phrase

was "I've arrived, and to prove it, I'm here.") --- Winalski, June '03.

3) Muffin the Mule

We want Muffin, Muffin the mule

Dear old Muffin, playing the fool,

We want Muffin, everybody sing ...

We want Muffin, the Mule.

4) Knobkerry (knobkerrie) (noun) - 1. a short wooden club with a heavy knob on one end; used by aborigines in southern Africa - http://define.ansme.com/words/k/knobkerry.html -- Dave Brown <dave eccles gnudawn.co.uk> June '03.