The Vanishing Room (tk version) Recorded: 15th December 1957 Transmitted: 13th October 1958 The Hotel Secretary was played by Secombe and the Manager by Greenslade ~~~ - words I can't understand or not sure of (???) - not sure of GREENSLADE: The BBC presents Vintage Goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954 ORCHESTRA: Short fanfare in G GRAMS: Cheering MILLIGAN: Ta SELLERS: In the county of Sissex lies the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-Cleat from the village of the same name MILLIGAN: Population in eighteen eighty nine, four thousand eight hundred and sixty two. SECOMBE: Population in nineteen fifty four, eighty seven SELLERS: Principle exports: population. MILLIGAN: (Laughs) GREENSLADE: Brodley-on-Cleat bore one famous son, the Poet Sprunt. He wrote but one sonnet SPRUNT: An art and glued, the clued and garly by. Arnd du full fargen dypen crackley glarn. Be near the clated Brodley bicent down. Ahahahar, ahahahar. Brodley-on-Cleat, by ripple slipped gyzee dead ohohar GREENSLADE: On hearing this, the villagers erected a tombstone and placed the poet under it ORCHESTRA: Start of 'Greensleves' SECOMBE: Whilst the villagers slept through the centuries, its rural simplicity broken only by moments of simple fun such as . . . SELLERS: The dreaded werewolf murders of seventeen seventy six. THROAT: The black agonised stranglings of seventy seven SECOMBE: The ghastly massacres of seventy eight SELLERS: (Jewish accent) The two-headed axe murders of seventy nine MILLIGAN: The case of the Walding (???) regiment murders and then, and then there was . . . ORCHESTRA: Timpani roll LEW: The Vickers garden party GREENSLADE: Can one wonder then at the horror that beset those peaceful villagers when in nineteen fifty three, they found themselves inextricably embroiled in . . . SECOMBE: The Case of the Vanishing Room ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link SELLERS: Indeed, the Case of the Vanishing Room. There was only one man to call in SEAGOON: There was only one man available, me, Inspector Ned Seagoon. I well recall that morning, when I was taken in my dustbin to Scotland Yard FX: Door opens, lid of dustbin taken off SCOTTISH CHIEF: Ah Seagoon, get out of that dustbin and sit down. Things are happenin' and happenin' fast. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the phone didn't ring [3-second pause] SEAGOON: You're right, it didn't SCOTTISH CHIEF: Seagoon, you've got a police dog's certificate? SEAGOON: I have SCOTTISH CHIEF: Then why aren't you wearing your spike collar? SEAGOON: Well it was a bit warm this morning, I - I left it in the oven last night you see I ... [laughs] SCOTTISH CHIEF: Er you silly little doggy you SEAGOON: [Makes dog noises] SCOTTISH CHIEF: Oh you are a silly little doggy SEAGOON: [Makes short dog noise] SCOTTISH CHIEF: However, there's been a diabolical murder at Brodley-on-Cleat. I want you to find out a few things. hu-a-mu-ow SEAGOON: Right, Sergeant Ellington, spread out and follow me ORCHESTRA: Allegro (fast-tempo) link GREENSLADE: So Seagoon and his hordes arrived at Brodley-on-Cleat SELLERS: [monotone] Brodley-on-Cleat in the county of Sissex lies in the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-cleat . . . SECOMBE: Thank you, thank you, we've had all that before SELLERS: Oh you made me hurt myself! Uh owwl ~~~ SEAGOON: Come on lads, this is the police station FX: Door knocker knocking on door HENRY CRUN: [Snoring] MIN BANNISTER: Ooohh, Henry, Henry SEAGOON: Ssh, flatten against the wall, someone's coming MIN BANNISTER: Henry, nicky nucky noo. Heenryyyyy HENRY CRUN: What what did . . . MIN BANNISTER: Phish tooo! HENRY CRUN: I've had two fish Min, what do you want? MIN BANNISTER: I heard a knock on the door, Henry HENRY CRUN: Knock, knock on the door? MIN BANNISTER: Nicky nocky on the door, Henry. [Thumping beat] Nicky nucky nocky nucky nocky noo! HENRY CRUN: [Snores] MIN BANNISTER: Did you hear that, Hen? HENRY CRUN: Aeough! MIN BANNISTER: Heeennrryyyyyyyy! HENRY CRUN: Aaeeoouugghh! What, what, what? MIN BANNISTER: What's the matter with you down there? HENRY CRUN: What are you talk . . . MIN BANNISTER: You dozy old man you . . . HENRY CRUN: You nattering old, ~~~ shut up HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER: [Both tiredly arguing] Phish tooo! FX: Door knocker knocking on door MIN BANNISTER: Oooohhh! Did you hear that knocking? HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER: Knicky nocky [etc.] MIN BANNISTER: There's someone knocking at the door, Henry HENRY CRUN: What, what, what, what? It is knocking Min, on the door, I think MIN BANNISTER: Answer it, Henry HENRY CRUN: I can't find it, Min MIN BANNISTER: Oh dear, where did you leave that door last? HENRY CRUN: I found it, I found the door, Min FX: Door knocker knocking on door SEAGOON: Open up in the name of the law! MIN BANNISTER AND HENRY CRUN: Phish tooo! HENRY CRUN: Min, someone's found the brown door from the other side MIN BANNISTER: What? HENRY CRUN: It must reach both ways MIN BANNISTER: Mercy, save us, we'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you, oohh god, we'll all be murdered! The power! The ~~~, The power, the ~~~. HENRY CRUN: (at the same time as Min) Don't worry Min, don't worry HENRY CRUN: Min. defend your legs, Min. I'll take cover and defend you. Give me that loaded dish cloth FX: Door opens SEAGOON: And about time too HENRY CRUN: Hands up you devil. Don't force me to use this eiderdown. SEAGOON: Calm down, calm down please. I'm Inspector Seagoon HENRY CRUN: Is this an official visit? SEAGOON: I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on HENRY CRUN: Oh dear, that'll mean re-potting the Geraniums MIN BANNISTER: And the baby too SEAGOON: Yes [laughs]. Now ~~~??? where's the criminal record book? Meantime Max Geldray will play a blunt instrument MIN BANNISTER: Heeelp! MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: 'One, Two, Button Your Shoe' GREENSLADE: From Crun, Seagoon learned that the murder had been commited at the home of Lord Cretinby SEAGOON: Ooh GREENSLADE: And in no time, he was knocking at the door MIN BANNISTER: Nicky nucky noo! FX: Door opens GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] Yes, who is it? SEAGOON: [Whisper] Is this the place where there's been a murder? GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] Yes, which murder are you inquiring about? SEAGOON: [Whisper] Which murder? How many have there been? GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] One SEAGOON: [Whisper] That's the one. Now I'm Inspector Seagoon and I . . . JIM SPRIGGS: [Off, loud] Close the door, will you? The snow's drifting over the body and you know what a weak chest he has! SEAGOON: [Whisper] Here, why isn't he whispering? GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] He hasn't got laryngitis JIM SPRIGGS: [On] Hello Jim, I said - oh, the police the police! SEAGOON: Yes, the police! JIM SPRIGGS: Ohoho! I-I-I-I - I am Wiliby (???) the butler. I found the body, namely Lord Cretinby, [singing] come iiiiiin! SEAGOON: Thank you FX: Door closes SEAGOON: Now, so you found the body JIM SPRIGGS: I did sir, I did, when I entered the library to serve the poisoned coffee SEAGOON: Ah. Oh, the library you say JIM SPRIGGS: [Sings] The library I saaaayyyy! [Not singing] That hurts SEAGOON: Did you, did you see him fall? JIM SPRIGGS: No sir, I was too busy wiping the blood-stained knife SEAGOON: Mmm, the library you say JIM SPRIGGS: The library I say SEAGOON: Mmm, did anyone else come into the room? JIM SPRIGGS: Impossible sir, I never left the table save to disarm the pistol in an acid bath SEAGOON: The library you say GRYTPYPE: The library I say JIM SPRIGGS: He didn't let me say it GRYTPYPE: It wasn't your say GREENSLADE: During the course of this mystery, certain heavily disguised clues will be planted, giving a key to the real murderer. Now read on SEAGOON: You are Lord Cretinby's secretary GRYTPYPE: Yes SEAGOON: So, Lord Cretinby was shot, poisoned and stabbed GRYTPYPE: Yes sir yes SEAGOON: I see. Did he give any explanation of this? GRYTPYPE: Not a word, sir SEAGOON: He won't get away with this GRYTPYPE: Well I wouldn't be too confident, sir. Lord Cretinby is a difficult man to handle SEAGOON: Why? GRYTPYPE: He's frozen solid, sir SEAGOON: What did you do next? GRYTPYPE: I called the doctor, of course SEAGOON: Why? GRYTPYPE: That's his name, Ofcourse. Terrence Ofcourse, you must've heard of him SEAGOON: Why should I? GRYTPYPE: I've just told you about him SEAGOON: Oohh yes, I'll make a note of that ORCHESTRA: Piano playing high A note SEAGOON: Thank you. Now photographs of the scene of the crime. Eccles? FX: Door opens ECCLES: Ah yeah, did I hear you, hallo? SEAGOON: Have you got your camera? ECCLES: Yeah I got it SEAGOON: That's a bit of luck ECCLES: Why? SEAGOON: I want you to take some photographs ECCLES: What a coincidence SEAGOON: Why? ECCLES: I've got my camera! SEAGOON: Good, we'll be able to take some photographs ECCLES: Well I'm glad I brought my camera SEAGOON: Right, you're the very one to take some photos ECCLES: Right, I'll get set up. [Laughs] SEAGOON: You'd never think he was a Duke's son, would you? GRYTPYPE: No SEAGOON: Well don't 'cause he's not [clears throat] ECCLES: OK, all ready. Who's it to be? SEAGOON: I want a photograph of that body lying in the corner ECCLES: Oooh, ain't he gonna stand up? SEAGOON: He can't, he's had it ECCLES: Ooh, Well ok, but these pictures won't look very lifelike SEAGOON: Have you got a dark room? ECCLES: Yeah, I got a [softer voice] I got a dark room that will revolutionize all dark rooms SEAGOON: How come? ECCLES: [Normal voice] It's got a light in it! [Laughs] SEAGOON: Get on with it ECCLES: OK now then, ready? One, two . . . SEAGOON: Hold it, hold it, you've got the camera pointing at yourself ECCLES: Oooh I wondered why all the pictures had been coming out like me. I've got a million photographs of me. SEAGOON: Get on with it, get on lad, get on ECCLES: OK, OK, now come on lordship, come on little body, look at the dicky bird. Come on, smile! FX: Camera shutter ECCLES: OK that's it, I took him SEAGOON: Well, well, well, we'll have to seal the room. Eccles, you seal all the windows ECCLES: OK SEAGOON: Grytpype, you're doing nothing. Come with me, we'll seal the main door FX: Door opens and closes SEAGOON: Right, now we'll just nail these boards over GRAMS: Fast nailing SEAGOON: Now a few locks and chains FX: Rattling chains SEAGOON: That's it, now the final touch. I'll just spread this micro dust to pick up fingerprints FX: Cloping of some sort SEAGOON: Ha ha, now no-one can get in that room until I open this door. Believe me that will take some opening [laughs] ECCLES: [Muffled] OK, open up, I've sealed all the windows in here SEAGOON: Ah no! I've left him inside. It'll all have to come down again. Come on, lend me a hand GRAMS: Bricks? Falling to ground SEAGOON: [over grams] I don't know why I brought him in the first place. Proper Nelly. Police photographer? He should never have left the Eastbourne beach . . . GRYTPYPE: Right, It's all done sir SEAGOON: Well done, I'll go in FX: Door opens and closes GRAMS: [Faint] Door bell rings GRYTPYPE: Inspector? SEAGOON: Yes? GRYTPYPE: There's somebody at the front door SEAGOON: For heaven's sake, go down and answer it GRAMS: Footsteps on floorboards, then tiles, door bell rings GRYTPYPE: [Humming] Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming! FX: Door opens SEAGOON: You took your time? GRYTPYPE: Inspector, I thought you were upstairs in the library SEAGOON: It's gone, the library's gone. I went in and I walked into thin air GRYTPYPE: The room is gone? SEAGOON: Yes GRYTPYPE: The photographer and Lord Cretinby? SEAGOON: Yes, [panicking] they've gone too! Ellington, follow that room ELLINGTON: Right, hold tight, hold tight SEAGOON: (off) Well done, well done RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: 'Will You Still Be Mine?' GREENSLADE: Meanwhile in Paris, where he had been driven by the music you've just heard, Major Bloodnok a well known absentee was checking into a typical Montmartre ponsion the Hotel Fred, little knowing what was in store ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme BLOODNOK: Aaeeoouugghh FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: Oui, Monsieur? BLOODNOK: I want a single room with joining doors please FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: Our speciality Monsieur. Sign the register please BLOODNOK: Certainly, certainly FX: Pen scratching on paper BLOODNOK: [over FX] Mr. & Mrs. Smith FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: But Monsieur is alone BLOODNOK: Oh yes, pardon me, I thought I was on holiday I beg your pardon. Major Bloodnok, Indian Army, retired. Now come along you naughty Frenchman, where's me room? FX: Door opens FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: Voici le chambre BLOODNOK: Right, well here's something for your trouble FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: It was no trouble BLOODNOK: Oh, well in that case I'll have it back again, and get out of here! FX: Door closes BLOODNOK: Now where's the bathroom? Ah, here it is. Thud me crodger and split me thadera! The blasted door has recently been sealed and unsealed FX: Door opens ECCLES: Oh Inspector Seagoon . . . Ooh, Inspector Seagoon, you're in disguise BLOODNOK: Flip me dongeler and lower me groblers! Who in blazes is this ragged goon? ECCLES: Oh don't fool around Inspector Seagoon, I've sealed all the windows like you told me BLOODNOK: What the devil are you talking about, you Neolithic, naughty boy you? What are you doing with that naughty camera? ECCLES: I was taking pictures of the body BLOODNOK: Filthy postcards! ECCLES: No no! Iiiiiii ain't been taking . . . BLOODNOK: Don't lie to me. How much do you want for the lot then? ECCLES: I ain't got any of them postcards BLOODNOK: Then get out of here, you clean postcarder you. Wait, aaahaha ooh, who's that disgusting bounder lying on the floor? ECCLES: I was taking his photograph BLOODNOK: Lying down? ECCLES: No I was standing up, he was lying down. BLOODNOK: You felt no pain of course? ECCLES: No, but it's done me a power of good BLOODNOK: Good. Who is this infernal man anyway? ECCLES: Well um ah, that's Lord Cretinby BLOODNOK: Rubbish ECCLES: No that's not rubbish, that's Lord Cretinby BLOODNOK: Look here, this is impossible. I know for a fact that Lord Cretinby was murdered yesterday at Brodley-on-Cleat ECCLES: I know, I I've been here since yesterday BLOODNOK: But this is Paris ECCLES: [Gulps] Paris? [Shocked] This is, this is Paris?! BLOODNOK: Yes, Paris. Clud me thudder! ECCLES: Wallop BLOODNOK: Ow. Look out of the window there. Look, I mean look, there's the Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, Arc de Triomphe ! ECCLES: Ooh, what's Paris doing in Brodley-on-Cleat? BLOODNOK: What are you talking about? ECCLES: I tell you that man's in Brodley-on-Cleat. I took a dicky bird photograph of him . . . BLOODNOK: [Over Eccles] Look here, look here! ORCHESTRA: Mysterious link GREENSLADE: Meantime, in Brodley-on-Cleat, Inspector Seagoon suddenly hit a clue SEAGOON: I've got it, when we opened that door, the library disappeared, right? GRYTPYPE: So right SEAGOON: There was a phone in that room, wasn't there? GRYTPYPE: Yes, Brodley 3-9-1 SEAGOON: So if I phone that number, I should get through to that room. Give me that phone FX: Phone taken off hook, dials number SEAGOON: They don't call me brainless Seagoon for nothing GRYTPYPE: I'm sure they don't, sir GRAMS: Outgoing ring, phone picked up on other end ECCLES: [Other end] Um [clears throat] hello, Brodley 3-9-1 here SEAGOON: Eccles, is that you Eccles? ECCLES: [Other end] Um, just a minute. [2-second pause] Yeah, it's me SEAGOON: Where did you go? ECCLES: [Other end] Look in the mirror SEAGOON: Eccles, where are you? ECCLES: [Other end] I'm in Paris [chuckles] SEAGOON: Good heavens, the missing room is in Paris. Eccles wait there, I'll catch the next train to Paris! ECCLES: [Other end] Right GRAMS: Steaming train, guard's whistle, chug of engine fading for 20sec. SEAGOON: I should've been on that train. Never mind, I'll catch the next pair of Paris bound boots. I'll leave for Dover at once! GRAMS: Splash LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in the water! [After applause] Ta SELLERS: Thank you, lad. Meantime, in the Hotel Fred, the manager had made two startling discoveries; a British room was staying at his hotel and Bloodnok had been concealing two unpaid guests - one living, one dead ECCLES: I'm the living one, folks BLOODNOK: This blasted manager's locked me in my room and I . . . FX: Fast knocks on door BLOODNOK: Aeough! It's that fiendish Frenchman again ECCLES: How do you know? BLOODNOK: He's knocking in French FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Ouvre le port, s'il vous plait ECCLES: Ooh, it's a foreigner! BLOODNOK: What, you mean they've even got them in France? Oh well entrée FX: Door opens FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Now Monsieur, ze bill. If you do not pay it, we will throw you out BLOODNOK: One more threat like that and I'll leave FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Monsieur must pay for the extra British room he brought in BLOODNOK: But I didn't bring it here FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Maybe not but your friend is lying down in it BLOODNOK: Yes, he's dead FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Oh pardon, then we'll make a reduction, we always make a reduction for dead person BLOODNOK: How kind, how kind FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: There only remains, let me see now, 5000 francs for the extra room BLOODNOK: What? But I'm not living in the extra room! FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: We are not charging you for living in the room BLOODNOK: Then what are you charging for? FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: We are charging you for the room staying at this hotel BLOODNOK: Clud me thudderer and frauder me zallibet! Get out of here you fiend, we're Britishers do you hear ECCLES: Yeah, just remember, just remember I . . . What am I talking about, remembered what? FX: Door opens SEAGOON: Alright you French devils, drop that tray. Bluebottle? BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call, I heard you call me, captain. Give your orders, I will work 'til I drop! I always drop when I work. Moves left stage, strikes policeman pose with truncheon out ready, remains alert SEAGOON: Have you done? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes SEAGOON: Thank you. Right, Bluebottle, arrest that corpse BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I will arrest him, I will . . . Corpse? Did you say arrest the corpse, my captain? Ehium. Turns white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint, but manages to hold onto drainpipe SEAGOON: Arrest him, I said arrest that corpse! BLUEBOTTLE: What is the charge? Name the charge against that corpse, man SEAGOON: Leaving the country without a passport ECCLES: Ooh, but he ain't done nothing, that's Lord Cretinby. It's him that's been done in SEAGOON: Is that true Lord Cretinby, have you been murdered? So you won't answer ay? This will go hard for you at the trial. Bluebottle? BLUEBOTTLE: Speak captain, let your orders ring out to my welcoming ears. Crime does not pay, I say, crime does not pay. If it did, I would've joined it. Strikes heroic McClusky of the mounties pose SEAGOON: Thank you, you've finished have you? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I have SEAGOON: Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. Bluebottle, you'll sit in that chair and take the place of the late Lord Cretinby. Eccles, you take the murder gun, walk in here and pretend to shoot Bluebottle three times like they do in the pictures, right? ECCLES: Goodie, goodie, this is fun. Where's that pistol? Now I'll go outside FX: Door opens and closes ECCLES: [Off] Now then, are you ready? SEAGOON: Righto, let's be having you FX: Door opens ECCLES: Ahahahaha ha! So Lord Cretinby, your time has come, take that GRAMS: Three gunshots BLUEBOTTLE: You swine, you rotten swine, you have shotted me. Farewell cruel world, eihii! Slumps to floor in death agony, does quick twitch, auee. Oh, there's a nail in the floor SEAGOON: That's it, that's how the murder was done! Eccles ECCLES: Yeah SEAGOON: I arrest you for the murder ECCLES: I didn't kill Lord Cretinby SEAGOON: In that case I arrest you for the murder of Constable Bluebottle ECCLES: I didn't know this gun was . . . GRAMS: Gunshot ECCLES: Aeough! SEAGOON: Look out, you fool! GRAMS: Gunshot ECCLES: Ow! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh you deaded me again! GRAMS: Gunshot SEAGOON: Why are you doing that ... ECCLES, SEAGOON AND BLUEBOTTLE: Aeough, ow! (more gunshots) Etc. ORCHESTRA: End theme GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Roy Speer ORCHESTRA: End theme continues