The Great Bank of England Robbery
(Vintage Goons Version)
Broadcast 2.3.1958

Greenslade: This is the BBC
Milligan: Eeezum dee di dee (gibberish) Ooohh, it’s the Goon Show! Oh dear.
Sellers:  (Fiery preacher voice) Shut up!! Seagoon, hold these rectified socks to your ears and listen to the well-spoken BBC announcer.
Greenslade: Hello listeners. It’s the Goon show.
Sellers (?) (cockney): What a lovely talker! Ooohh, you don’t ‘alf talk lovely, Wal.
Greenslade: Thank you.
Sellers: And that is not all! And now we present Open Casebook.
ORCH: Dramatic music
Narrator: (Sellers-American accent) Those of you who can afford newspapers will have seen the headlines. Those of you who can read will know what they meant. And if you knew what they meant--
FX: Gunshot
Seagoon: Ow! Good luck. Every day sees new progress in the march of crime.
Narrator: Every 24 hours 873 robberies are committed - some of them by criminals. We now present the crime of the century.
Seagoon: The Great Bank of England Robbery!
ORCH: Dramatic music
Grams: Steamship fog horn 
Seagoon: My name is "Fingers" Seagoon. That’s because of my hands; you see I've got fingers on them. Hence the name of “Hands” Seagoon. Because of this deformity, I wear spectacles on my shins and vice versa. 
Grytpype: Yes, Seagoon had been first mate on a small boat of mine smuggling sand from Leeds to the Sahara, but then things got too hot, especially during the summer, so he returned to Leeds and dropped anchor.
Seagoon: Hardly had I dropped anchor when the phone rang...
FX: Phone rings
Grytpype: Seagoon, answer the phone.
Seagoon: Why?
Grytpype: I want to speak to you on it!
Seagoon: Oh
FX: Picks up phone
Seagoon: Hello?
Grytpype: Is that you, Seagoon?
Seagoon: Yes.
Grytpype: This is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. 
Seagoon: Ah, just the man. You owe me seven weeks wages.
Grytpype: You’re fired as from eleven weeks back. 
Seagoon: Oh…so I’m out of work.
Grytpype: What’s that?
Seagoon: I said I’m out of work.
Grytpype: What a bit of luck you came to me. It so happens that I’ve just performed a vacancy.
Seagoon: I accept!
Grytpype: Splondid! Now listen. I'm arranging a charabanc trip to burgle the Bank of England. My men are all ready. My plans are laid. Your instructions await you in a sealed leather samovar.
Seagoon: The address?
Grytpype: Street of a Thousand Dustbins in Chinatown.
Seagoon: I’ll just write that down on a Chinaman. Now, how do I get there?
Grytpype: Catch a train to the nearest railway station; buy a first-class ticket to an unknown destination.
Seagoon: Right!
FX: Hangs up phone
Orchestra: Chinese-like musical link
Narrator: Within days Seagoon had arrived at the mysterious unknown destination.
FX: Footsteps with foghorn under
Seagoon: Yes, by the dim light of an unlit candle, I finally found the street I sought, and entered the most notorious of all the waterfront hovels, the House of Certain Pleasures.
Grams: 1922 Jack Payne record of "One Step" with corny Oriental singing
Greenslade: Pushing through the bead curtains, Seagoon came into the hellish atmosphere. All around were English folk, lying on hard wooden benches, drinking tea and eating toast and marmalade; it was hell!
Chinaman (Milligan): AAh. Plardon me. You are a stlanger alound here?
Greenslade: No, I’m just the announcer:
Chinaman:  OOhh
Seagoon: I’m a stranger. Is it…is it safe to speak here?
Chinaman: Aaahh nooo, not a-here. Follow - follow me a-please.
FX:  Footsteps walking away. Door opening - then closing.
Chinaman:  Now…tell a-please what you want.
Seaggon: Is it perfectly safe here?
Chinaman:  Aaah yes.
Seagoon: You’re sure no one can overhear us?
Chinaman:   (whispering) No, no one can hear. What do you want?
Seagoon: [Pause] Beans on toast and a small tea.
Chinaman:  Before I serve you that, are you a-over sixteen?
Seagoon:  Yes.
Chinaman:  Good. So is the beans on toast.
Seagoon:  I began a night of moral degradation. I drank bottle after bottle of tea. My head reeled with the sensuous magic of the Chinese passion music.
Grams: Hi speed, chipmunk-type singing of Bridge over the River Kwye – ending in chaotic squabbling. 
Grytpype: Good evening.
Seagoon: Looking 'round, I saw a tall, handsome, cross-eyed man with a bald mustache, and wearing a Ming vase.
Grytpype: I've been watching you.
Seagoon: Really?
Grytpype: Yes. You're horrible, aren't you?
Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what, what [turns into clucking chicken noises]
Grytpype: Who sent you here?
Seagoon:  You did.
Grytpype: How do you know?
Seagoon:   I listened to your conversation on the phone when you were talking to me.
Grytpype: You sinuous eavesdropper, you. I have a good mind to have you sponned for that. However, I forgive you.
Seagoon: Now, what about this job?
Grytpype: Well, you’re going rob the Bank of England. 
Seagoon:  [Whimpers]
Grytpype: Moriarty will contact you with further instructions in a cellar beneath the Bank.
Seagoon: Splendid.
Grytpype: Now here is the first part of the plan. You go to London tomorrow evening. At midnight precisely, Big Ben will go "oom, oom, oom" twelve times.
Seagoon: Why?
Grytpype: It always does.
Seagoon: Continue.
Grytpype: I shall. As the last stroke fades away, an inconspicuous fish van with yellow mudguards, orange wheels and a French number plate will draw up at the back of the bank.
Seagoon: Who will be inside?
Grytpype: Nobody. Where it would be spotted right away; it's only a decoy, you understand.
Seagoon: Gad, what a narrow escape.
Grytpype: Exactly. Now while the police attention is attracted to this van 
Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?
Grytpype: Please don't interrupt me, would you? At the bank will appear eight men in straw hats, alabaster feet, black faces, and carrying thirty Wurlitzer organs.
Seagoon: Will they play them?
Grytpype: Good heavens, no, man. Do you think we want to arouse suspicion?
Seagoon: You've thought of everything! What part do I play?
Grytpype: Second banjo. Meanwhile, unobserved, a tram will be lowered from a helicopter through the glass roof of the London School of Economics. Inside it will be Major Bloodnok and two accomplices.
Seagoon: How shall I tell them apart?
Grytpype: They'll all be wearing black masks on their wrists.
Seagoon: Brilliant!
Grytpype: I'm glad you appreciate the subtleties of the plan. One of them will admit you through a plastic coal hole. 
Greenslade: Don’t worry, listeners. I don’t know what it’s all about either!
Seagoon: Great. And where will you be?
Grytpype: I shall be at the corner of the Rue de la Paix.
Seagoon: That’s in France!
Grytpype: I know.
Seagoon: What will you be doing there?
Grytpype: Well, you see I’ve seen it all happen before.
Seagoon: Yes, but look here…
Grytpype: Sshhh. No more now, No more now. Have you got everything clear in your mind?
Seagoon: Yes.
Grytpype:  Very well, time for Migs Galdron 
Max Geldray performs "Once in Love with Amy"
Grams: Big Ben chimes once.
Bloodnok: Aaooh! Who left that thing lying there? Oh, midnight and Seagoon hasn’t turned up yet. Oh, I don’t know. There’s nothing for it, I’ll have to start the robbery without him.
Seagoon: Psst! Psst!
Bloodnok: Aeorgh! Who's that, what's that?
Seagoon: It's me, Seagoon!
Bloodnok: Where the devil are you?
Seagoon: I'm inside the pillar box!
Bloodnok: Bravo, so you were here all the time! Come on lad, let's be having you.
Seagoon: I can't, it's locked!
Bloodnok: Good heavens! Then what time's the next collection?
Seagoon: Ten minutes ago.
Bloodnok: Curses! You mean to tell me that you let the postman open the thing and didn’t get out?
Seagoon: Well I, I couldn't see him, you see I'm in a brown paper parcel.
Bloodnok: But why didn't the postman collect the parcel?
Seagoon: I made a fatal blunder. I’m insufficiently stamped.
Bloodnok: This is going to need a genius to solve.
Eccles: Aaaallooo. [Applause] Aaloo Major.I got the answer.
Bloodnok: Obviously I was wrong.
Eccles: Oh. Well, I got a key.
Bloodnok: Bravo. Open it up then, get inside and give Seagoon a shove-up.
Eccles: Okayaaahhaaahhh, okay!
FX: Key turning, metal door opening. Metal door closes
Eccles: Ohoooh! The key’s on the outside! It's dark in here. Mr. Seagoon, where are you, Mr. Seagoon? Hello?
Eccles (echoed): Hello?
Eccles: Who's that?
Echo: Who's that? Who's that?
Eccles: I'm Eccles.
Echo: I'm Eccles.
Eccles: You can't be. I'm Eccles.
Echo: You can't be. I'm Eccles.
Eccles: I'm Eccles, I tell you!
Echo: I'm Eccles, I tell you!
Eccles: You’re an impostor! Take that you…!
FX: Sounds of fighting start between Eccles and echoes (slapping and popping noises)
FX: Fighting noises stop.
Eccles: Ok, you win, you're Eccles.
Echo: Ok, you win, you're Eccles.
Eccles: Oh, that's better, that taught him a lesson, folks. Now then, I've got to find Mr. Seagoon.
Echo: You needing me anymore?
Eccles: No.
Echo: OK goodbye!
Eccles: Goodbye! Mr. Seagoon, hello? Where are you?
Woman (Sellers): Hello sailor!
Eccles: Oo aaaah oooohhh… Here, have you seen a brown paper parcel in here?
Woman: cheeky thing! Ha ha ha!
Eccles: Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha! 
Seagoon: Eccles!
Eccles: What!
Seagoon: There you are.
Eccles: Yeeeaaah. I’m here.
Seagoon: Well, I managed to get out of that parcel.
Eccles: What strength!
Seagoon: Ha ha! It’s nothing. Never mind, bend down, and I'll climb on your back; I'll reach the mouth of the letterbox like that.
Eccles: Um, ok. (Straining noises)
Seagoon: (Somewhat distant) No, no, it's no good, I can't reach.
Eccles: Well, you stay where you are, and I'll get up on your shoulders.
Seagoon: Right!
Eccles: (More distant) Nope, no good, not high enough yet.
Seagoon: Well, keep there, and I'll climb on your back.
Eccles: Okay!
Seagoon: (More distant) Nearly there
Eccles: No good – I’ll have to get on your shoulders now (distant voices of Seagoon and Eccles)
Greenslade: Listeners, may I draw your attention to this problem. Seagoon gets on Eccles' back, and Eccles, half-way up a wall, stays where he is while Seagoon mounts on his back and so on. What's the distance between Seagoon, Eccles, and the ground? I'll tell you, it is...
Seagoon and Eccles: Wahhhhh! (Crash)
Greenslade: ...exactly.
Eccles: Why don't you keep your big mouth shut?
Bloodnok: (Somewhat distant) Wait a minute, I'm throwing a length of rope through the aperture. (Grunt)
Seagoon: Right! Got it!
Bloodnok: Yes, good. Now grab hold and I'll pull you through. Take the strain
Eccles, Seagoon, Bloodnok: heave!
FX: Crash sounds - cork popping
Bloodnok: (Normal) You idiots, you! Now we're all in it!
Eccles: Oh ho ho! Right in it, yeah.
Seagoon: Shh! Shh! Listen!
FX: Footsteps
Seagoon: It's the postman.
Eccles: Ooo.
Seagoon: Now, calm yourselves. Listen, as soon as he opens that door...everybody make a noise like a registered letter. He'll collect us, and put us in his sack. Then we can cut our way out. Clear? Good.
FX: Sound of postman singing lightly as he approaches, opens pillar box, gathers letters, closes pillar box, and walks away
Bloodnok: [Pause] Well, it didn't work, did it? 
Seagoon: Of course it didn’t work! Some idiot was making a noise like an unstamped postcard.
Eccles: Oh!
ORCH: Melancholy violin music
Greenslade: Nine bitter months later.
Bloodnok: We've got to get out of here! We've eaten all the food parcels, and all the brandy's gone.
Eccles: Yep, and I want to sell my collection of postcards!
Bloodnok: Look here, lads. Admit it: we've never had it so good.
Seagoon: That's not the point, Major; we set out to do a job and...
Bloodnok: And?
Seagoon: You're quite right, you know, we have never had it so good. 
Bloodnok: Of course it’s… Look here, any more parcels of whisky or brandy left?
Eccles: None.
Bloodnok: Curses.
Eccles: There's only one parcel left, from a fellow called Jack. 
Bloodnok: What's in it?
Eccles: A rubber dinghy.
Seagoon: A rubber dinghy? We've saved ourselves! Now we can sail out of here.
Bloodnok: But we haven't got any water, man.
Seagoon: Eccles, any parcels of water?
Eccles: No, 
Seagoon: Then we'll have to dig for it.
Bloodnok: Splendid, Seagoon.
Seagoon: Ah yes, they don't call me an idiot for nothing.
Bloodnok: You mean you pay them?
Seagoon: Only by check. Quick! Hand me that pneumatic drill!
Eccles: I ain't got a new one.
Seagoon: Then hand me that old-matic drill.
Orchestra: Corny chord, cymbal crash.
Seagoon: Thank you!
FX: Sounds of drilling
Announcer: For the benefit of listeners without radio sets, it should be explained that although they are unaware of the fact, Major Bloodnok and his confederates are drilling for water straight through the base of the pillar box, down to the bed of one of London's famous underground rivers. Will they find it?
FX: Splash
Little Jim: He’s fallen in de water!
Seagoon: Now, are we all in the dinghy? Good; we must keep a listening watch for police submarines. Eccles, switch on the ASDIC.
Eccles: Righto, Fred.
Seagoon: I'm not Fred.
Eccles: Well, I ain't Dick.
Bloodnok: This is mutiny!
Seagoon: Do as I say, Dick, switch on the ASDIC!
Eccles: Okay, Dick.
Grams: ASDIC beeping.
Seagoon: Listen, what is it? Good heavens, it’s Ray Elling-Baum!
Ray Ellington performs "It’s Alright With Me"
Announcer: Changing course in order to avoid the music you've just heard, Bloodnok and his buccaneers soon found themselves on the upper reaches of the underground river -- see chapter two -- and directly beneath the Bank of England.
Grams: Trickling water.
Seagoon: Shh, shh.
Bloodnok: All ashore now, that’s it splendid, splendid.
Seagoon: It's very dark, Major, shall I strike a match?
Bloodnok: Certainly not, I know the way perfectly well! Just follow me.
Grams: Splash
Bloodnok: Strike a match, will you! That’s better, now we must proceed up this secret tunnel. It leads straight to the vaults, but remember, for the next fifty yards men, not a sound. Right? Ssssshhhhhhhh!
FX: Long silence-water still trickling
Greenslade: Listeners, we admit that this lengthy period of complete silence cannot be regarded, properly speaking, as being in the category of entertainment. But as silence is necessary to the safety of these three men, we hope that you will bear with us for another few yards.
FX: More silence
Announcer: Thank you.
Eccles: Looks like the end of the tunnel!
Bloodnok: Is it a cul-de-sac?
Eccles: I don't know; it's got a wall built right across the end of it.
Bloodnok: Curse.
Seagoon: Don't worry, I've got Moriarty's instructions on me. He's made a two-sided, short playing gramaphone record of the entire plan. Eccles, prepare the hand-wound phonograph.
Eccles: Oh, we gonna have a dance? 
Seagoon: No, you fool, put the Moriarty record on!
Eccles: OK.
Grams:  (Moriarty speaking): Hello, hello, hello: modern rhythm-type record; modern rhythm-type record.
Record: Orchestral waltz music with bird whistle.
Bloodnok: You fool; you’ve put on the wrong record.
Eccles:  put on the wrong record!!
Seagoon: It must be on the other side.
Bloodnok: But it's an old cylindrical record.
Seagoon: Then we must play it inside out.
Bloodnok: This is going to be very difficult.
Seagoon: Not at all. I have here a reversible, unilateral, bamboo, high-fidelity, boot-pointed needle made especially for this purpose.
Bloodnok: What a bit of luck! Insert it into groove A.
Seagoon: Haha right. There.
Moriarty on phonograph: This is Moriarty speaking on record. Now listen, mon amie, here are your instructions. Have you reached the end of the tunnel?
Seagoon: Yes!
Moriarty: Good! Now, I've got some notes in here, so strike a match.
Seagoon: We haven't got any.
Moriarty: Never mind, I'll nip out and get some. Taxi? Taxi!
Grams: Taxi approaches - Door closes, taxi accelerates away
Seagoon: Curse! We've come to the end of the record and he's gone! How can we get him back again?
Bloodnok: Play it backwards, of course!
Seagoon: How do you play the inside of a cylindrical record backwards?
Bloodnok: Quite simple, you put it on in the opposite direction, going away from you, the other way.
Seagoon: Of course! What a fool I am. Right, here we go, backwards.
Grams: Sound of record being played backwards
Seagoon: The swine, he was speaking backwards! How can we get in touch with him now?
FX: Phone rings
Seagoon: Hello?
Moriarty: You fools!
Seagoon: Moriarty, where are you?
Moriarty: In hospital, badly scratched. You were using a blunt needle!
Seagoon: Well, what's the next move?
Moriarty: As soon as I ring off, follow me.
Seagoon: Right!
FX: Receiver being put down.
Bloodnok: Oh, which, which way did he go?
Seagoon: Gad, we must find a way out of this labyrinth. Tap the walls as we go along. Shh. There's somebody on the other side of this wall!
Bloodnok: Hand me your stethoscope. Yes, just as I thought!
Seagoon: What?
Bloodnok: It's definitely...
FX: Tap tap
Seagoon: Are you positive it's...
FX: Tap tap
Bloodnok: Positive, it's quite clearly...
FX: Tap tap
Bloodnok: I knew them both in Africa until they split up and became...
FX: Tap
Bloodnok: ...and...
FX: Tap
Bloodnok: ...but of course they joined forces later, and are now...
FX: Tap tap
Bloodnok: ...again.
Seagoon: I'm glad to hear it.
Bloodnok: Mind you, if you should hear...
FX: Tap tap tap
Seagoon: Yes?
Bloodnok: One of them is an imposter.
Seagoon: Which one?
FX: Tap
Seagoon: Oh! You may be right. But right or wrong, there's someone on the other side of this wall. Suppose it's the police?
Bloodnok: The police? Ha ha ho …I know how to handle the police.
Seagoon: How?
Bloodnok: Just yo wait here.
FX: Sound of footsteps running away
Seagoon: And to this day, I've never seen him again.
Eccles: We’re trapped under the ground.
Seagoon: I’ve got an idea: Bluebottle!
Bluebottle: I thought you’d never get to my part. Heelloo! Hello, Eccles!
Eccles: Hello, Bottle!
Bluebottle: Hello, everybody! Oh, did you just think of that?
Eccles: Yeah.
Seagoon: Listen, we’ve got to tunnel upwards to get into the gold bullion vault. Now then, Bluebottle...
Bluebottle: Yeah?
Seagoon: Place this dynamite in the ceiling.
Bluebottle: OK, alright then, captain. Takes stick of red dynamite, stuffs it in hole. Thinks: [sings] around the world in eighty days. Goes off mike singing song. [Sings] I sing along, I ~~~~ around the world...
Seagoon: There’s he goes, brave lad. Look at his shoulder blades rippling under the skin like shredded string.
Bluebottle: KO, ready!
Seagoon: Light the fuse!
Grams: Dynamite hissing...
Bluebottle: Now run for it!
Grams: Footsteps running away
Seagoon & Bluebottle: (Out of breath.) Ahh..
Seagoon: Safe behind this wall.
Bluebottle: Yes. Where’s Eccles? Eccles!
Grams: Running footsteps approaching.
Bluebottle: Here he is!
Eccles: (Out of breath.) Ohhh..
Seagoon: Where have you been?
Eccles: You left this behind.
Grams: Loud explosion.
Bluebottle: You naughty man, Eccles! Oh! You destroyed every bone in my corsets!
Seagoon: Never mind that. Look at these gold coins. We’ve blown a hole in the floor of the Bank of England! Rich, rich! Hahahahaha!
Grytpype: Well done, Neddy! Just give me that sack of gold; I’ll smuggle it to a secret van on the corner. And when I blow the whistle, join me in the van. Just wait here.
Grams: Footsteps running away.
Seagoon: Hahahaha. At last we’re rich! What a grand fellow he is. Just fancy, a toot on his whistle and we’ll all be away with our gold bullion.
Bluebottle: Yes, he’s nice, isn’t he?
Eccles: He’s nice. Yeah.
Bluebottle: Hooray for gold bullron!
Eccles: He’s gonna blow the whistle, that man. We’ll all have the money...
Seagoon: Can you hear the whistle?
Bluebottle: No.
Eccles: No.
Seagoon: (Clears throat.) I’ve got a nasty felling about him.
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, have you got a nasty felling about Grytpype-Thynne? Let us know. Goodnight!
Orch: Plays "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" jazz version
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Charles Chilton.
Orch: Plays out