The Goon Show: 'Vintage Goons', No. 3 (a.k.a. 'The Siege of Fort Night')

Recorded 16th March, 1958

First Transmission 27th December, 1986 (Radio 4)

Cast (main characters)

Spike Milligan

Mate

Minnie Bannister

Chief of Biguns Tribe

Eccles

Peter Sellers

Army Officer

Henry Crun

Major Bloodnok

Butler

Bluebottle

Harry Secombe

Major Seagoon

A Welshman

Ray Ellington

African Customs Officer

With The Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade.

Producer Charles Chilton.

An underwater military gas stove is all that stands between Fort Knight and annihilation at the hands of the Biguns tribe. But - can Inventor Crun construct one in time? (He can't get the wood, you know.) Can Major Seagoon get it to the fort on time? The journey is fraught with impossibilities ... Thus unfolds this gripping saga of a Long March - long by anyone's calendar...

WALLACE For the last time this evening at popular prices, the unpopular face of capitalism - The Goon Show.

ORCHESTRA Corny chords

SEAGOON Presenting the Siege of Fort Knight.

WALLACE The scene - a lonely British outpost in a lonely British outpost.

ARMY OFFICER Gentlemen, as you see on this map, thirty thousand miles away deep in the liver of Africa -

SEAGOON You mean the heart, sir.

ARMY OFFICER No! This place is much further down. In the depths of the jungle and despair, the gallant British garrison at Fort Knight are hard pressed by Biguns natives -

SEAGOON Biguns?

ARMY OFFICER Yes, some have very big 'uns. Unless this garrison is relieved within fourteen days, Fort Knight is finished, and I feel a terrible pun coming.

SEAGOON Can't they hold out for an extra week?

ARMY OFFICER Rubbish. Who's heard of a fortnight lasting three weeks?

MATE I have - it was in Scunthorpe

ARMY OFFICER Fort Knight needs relief.

SEAGOON Reinforcements?

ARMY OFFICER No, no, they have all the men they require.

SEAGOON Ammunition?

ARMY OFFICER They've plenty!

SEAGOON Provisions?

ARMY OFFICER They've got ample.

SEAGOON They can't live on ample alone.

ARMY OFFICER Worse - they've nothing to cook it on.

SEAGOON Uncooked ample - you know what that means.

MATE The squits!

SEAGOON Yes. In a matter of days they'll be struck - no laundry will go near them.

ARMY OFFICER And in forty-eight hours the monsoon will arrive.

SEAGOON Bang in the middle of the rainy season.

ARMY OFFICER The point is, when it does break -

SEAGOON Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes?

ARMY OFFICER I wish you wouldn't do that! When it breaks, the river Dongler will rise and the fort will be under nine feet of -er - what do you call it -

MATE Water.

SEAGOON Gad. What's the answer?

ARMY OFFICER They'll need underwater gas stoves.

SEAGOON No such thing's been invented.

ARMY OFFICER Ah, that's only because nobody has made one. But there is one man.

SEAGOON One? Come on, there's quite a few of us. Ha! Ha!

ARMY OFFICER I mean, I know one man who might be able to help.

SEAGOON Not - not - not Dick Scratcher?

ARMY OFFICER You're dead right - it's not Dick Scratcher. It's Henry Crun - the world's greatest underwater inventor.

ORCHESTRA Woeful music

CRUN (sings) Around the world in eighty-three days, I travelled -

FX Knock at door

MINNIE I recognise that - it's a knock

FX Knocking

CRUN Come in.

SEAGOON Good evening.

MINNIE Evening.

FX Door opens and shuts

CRUN I see you beat the door to it. Good evening.

OMNES Evening, evening, evening.

(Pause)

SEAGOON Good evening.

OMNES Good evening, evening, evening.

CRUN Are you the elephant man?

SEAGOON Elephant man? What are you on about?

CRUN I'm on about £12 a week.

SEAGOON Listen, I'm from the War Office.

CRUN War? No thank you, we've just had one!

SEAGOON I'm here on a mission. -

FX Tambourine & tuba accompaniment

CRUN and MINNIE (sing) Come and join us, come and join us...

SEAGOON Wrong - wrong - wrong mission! Mr Crun -

CRUN Yes.

SEAGOON Can you invent a waterproof military gas stove for cooking ample?

CRUN A waterproof gas stove? It's going to be very difficult. You see, you can't get the wood, you know. Can't get it.

SEAGOON Have you ever built such a thing before?

CRUN Well, in a manner of speaking - no. You can't get the wood, you see.

SEAGOON Is there no way?

CRUN Yes, definitely, definitely, there is! But it will be difficult.

SEAGOON Why?

CRUN Because you can't get the wood.

SEAGOON I can get you the wood.

CRUN Ah well, that's going to be very difficult.

SEAGOON Why?

CRUN I won't be able to go around saying 'You can't get the wood' anymore.

FX Strange unearthly metallic sound

SEAGOON Gracious, what's that?

CRUN That's Min playing a gas stove.

SEAGOON Ah! How long would it take you to waterproof one?

CRUN Well, that depends on how much you'd be willing to pay.

SEAGOON Thirty thousand pounds!

FX Construction noise at colossal high speed running footsteps, shouts and yells

CRUN (exhausted) Where's the money?

SEAGOON It is waterproof?

CRUN We'll soon find out. Min -

MINNIE What is it, ducky?

CRUN Min, just get into the gas oven, would you.

FX Door closes

MINNIE (echo) What have you put all these potatoes in with me for, Henry?

CRUN Just in case, Min.

MINNIE (echo) In case of what, Henry?

CRUN Yes, in case of what. Mr Seagoon, help me throw this into the river.

FX Splash. Bubbles

CRUN Min!

MINNIE (echo) Yes, Henry?

CRUN Are the potatoes still dry?

MINNIE (echo) Yes, Henry.

CRUN Hooray, it's working.

MINNIE That's more than British Leyland

SEAGOON Brilliant, Mr Crun. I'll order one right away.

CRUN How many ones?

SEAGOON One one.

CRUN One one? Oh dear, it's a lot of work making one one. Couldn't you order one one one one one?

SEAGOON Alright - one, one one one one.

CRUN I just remembered -

SEAGOON What?

CRUN You can't get the wood, you see.

SEAGOON Very well, I'll take the one you just made.

MINNIE (off) Helppp!

CRUN Too late, it's drifting away down the stream.

SEAGOON Quick - follow that gas stove -

FX Splash as body enters water

MINNIE (distant) Help! Help! Save me and the potatoes!

SEAGOON (swimming) Hold on, Madam... (fade)

MAX AND ORCHESTRA Music

WALLACE While Secombe rescued the prototype - Min and the potatoes - Henry Crun struggled manfully with making a second waterproof gas stove. Within a month Captain Seagoon and his gas stoves arrived at the base camp in Africa to arrange transport with a military band.

GRAMS Military brass band music

BLOODNOK Ah Seagoon, bad news - I've got a temperature, but I'm going to carry on.

SEAGOON What is your temperature?

BLOODNOK 98.4.

SEAGOON That's normal.

BLOODNOK I know, that's why I'm carrying on.

SEAGOON Good. Now, how are we to get the waterproof gas stoves from here to the garrison? Helicopter?

BLOODNOK Impossible, sir, impossible. The fort is invisible from the air. And worse still - the air is invisible from the fort.

SEAGOON By road, then?

BLOODNOK No road.

SEAGOON The river?

BLOODNOK No.

SEAGOON Down the river?

BLOODNOK No.

SEAGOON Across the river into the trees?

BLOODNOK No.

SEAGOON Why not?

BLOODNOK No trees.

SEAGOON Across the trees into the river?

BLOODNOK No river. -

SEAGOON Rail?

BLOODNOK Doesn't run.

SEAGOON Why not?

BLOODNOK No railway.

SEAGOON Could we build one?

BLOODNOK The river would wash it away.

SEAGOON You said there was no river.

BLOODNOK It's behind the trees.

SEAGOON A moment ago you said there weren't any trees.

BLOODNOK Ah, they've grown since then. Time can't stand still for you, you know.

SEAGOON Wait! I remember seeing an armoured train at the depot.

BLOODNOK That train was only armoured from the inside.

SEAGOON Why?

BLOODNOK We couldn't fire out, but they could fire in.

SEAGOON Why was that?

BLOODNOK The windows faced inwards.

SEAGOON Then we'll use that!

FX Guard's train whistle. Engine hooter - train puffs out of station

BLOODNOK Now, to keep the engine driver alert I've brought me bagpipes -

FX Bagpipes drone into life

SEAGOON Why didn't we think of that before? Meanwhile, at Fort Knight -

(From now on very fast)

FX Gunfire, bugles

SPIKE Meanwhile, Mr Crun -

CRUN You can't get the wood, you know.

SEAGOON Yes! yes! Meanwhile, back in Fort Knight

FX Gunfire, bugles

SEAGOON On the armoured train -

FX Train and bagpipes

BLOODNOK We shall have to use electrified Mongolian bagpipes.

SEAGOON Why didn't we think of that before? Meanwhile, at Fort Knight -

FX Gunfire, bugles

SPIKE While back with Crun -

CRUN ... the wood, you know.

SEAGOON ... Fort Knight -

FX Gunfire, bugles

SPIKE At this very moment in London's West End -

GRAMS Victor Sylvester's 'Come Dancing' music

SEAGOON On the armoured train -

FX Train-bagpipes

SPIKE Meantime in Chapter Two!

FX Phone rings

BLOODNOK Hello? Armoured train.

FX Tom-toms

NATIVE (distorted) Listen, Bloodnok. This Chief of Biguns Tribe. I give you warning. If you proceed with waterproof gas stove at Fort Knight, we poison the drinking water... Ha! ha! he! he!

BLOODNOK You over-acting swine!

SEAGOON Keep him on the line.

FX Whoosh

BLOODNOK Right. Listen, you devil -

NATIVE (distorted) I kill everything in your body, I put spear -

FX Pistol shot

NATIVE Argghhh!

SEAGOON (on phone) Bloodnok?

BLOODNOK Yes.

SEAGOON I've got him1

BLOODNOK Splendid. Now get back here right away. Crun's just arrived with an improved waterproof gas stove Mark II.

ORCHESTRA Dramatic chords

WALLACE Hurrying overland, Crun reached base camp disguised as a bale of tobacco.

SEAGOON Crun, you've arrived in the nicotine!

FX Tearing paper wrapper

CRUN Look - voila!

SEAGOON That's not a voila! That's the stove.

CRUN Yes. I'll just get in and turn on the gas and set the regulo at 3.

FX Switch

GRAMS Organ music: Reginald Dixon's 'I do like to be beside the seaside'

CRUN (echo) Dear, dear, that's not right. I'll try regulo 2. I'll just have a look inside the oven.

FX Door opens

GRAMS Railway station noises

TANNOY The train now standing at Platform 3...

WELSHMAN Pardon me, but where's the taxi rank?

CRUN I'm sorry, I'm a stranger round here.

WELSHMAN Oh! Where do you come from?

CRUN Africa.

WELSHMAN Oh. Would you mind closing the oven door, there's a draught in the waiting-room.

FX Door closing

CRUN Amazing. Let me see. I think I can see what the trouble is. I had the regulo on 5. It should have been on 2. Now let's see what we get.

QUARTET Music

CRUN No, there's still something wrong!

SEAGOON Crun! We can't waste time like this!

CRUN You know a better way?

SEAGOON Yes - here it comes. We must get to the fort. There's very little time left or right! Bloodnok!

BLOODNOK He must mean me!

SEAGOON We must set off immediately.

BLOODNOK You're dead right. We must do it today, or we'll never get another chance. Eccles, help me get these gas stoves on your head.

ECCLES Plenty of room. OK. How far do I have to carry them? BLOODNOK A thousand miles.

ECCLES I got to walk all the way?

BLOODNOK No. Part of the way you'll be allowed to run. -

ECCLES You bastard! (Censored)

SEAGOON Bloodnok, we have to keep this expedition a closely guarded secret.

BLOODNOK Don't worry. The camels are all disguised as men.

SEAGOON And the men?

BLOODNOK Heavily disguised as camels

SEAGOON Were you trained at MI5?

BLOODNOK As a dustman!

SEAGOON What a disguise.

ORCHESTRA Safari music - dramatic chords

SEAGOON Thus began a remarkable march of forty-seven days. Forty-seven days is remarkable for the month of March.

BLOODNOK To conserve energy we marched lying down and only stood up to sleep.

SEAGOON Meanwhile, at Fort Knight

(Silence) -

ECCLES Early closing!

FX African drums

BLOODNOK That night amid the sound of jungle drums, we were confronted by the Biguns natives, some in warpaint, some more civilized in wallpaper. As we neared the Fort we became familiar with African customs.

AFRICAN Anything to declare, white man?

BLOODNOK A waterproof gas stove.

AFRICAN Ymblum naba blum. Importation of gas stove you pay three elephant tusks.

BLOODNOK Where do you expect me, from Catford SE6, to get elephant tusks?

AFRICAN I sell you.

BLOODNOK How much?

AFRICAN One waterproof gas stove.

BLOODNOK What luck! Eccles, give him one of the waterproof gas stoves.

AFRICAN Here - tusks.

FX Crashing of tusks

ECCLES Oh. Now he's got a waterproof gas stove.

BLOODNOK What luck. Just what we need. I say, tribal fellow, how much you want for waterproof gas stove?

AFRICAN Three elephant tusks.

BLOODNOK Three? Just what we've got -

SEAGOON News from Fort Knight! They've only enough uncooked ample for another hour.

BLOODNOK Well, it's only eighteen miles as the crow flies, but our crow is sick with lurgi.

SEAGOON Eighteen miles, through native tribes. It means certain death or certain life.

BLOODNOK Yes. One of us must volunteer.

SEAGOON Yes, one of us must volunteer.

ECCLES One of us must volunteer.

BLOODNOK Good old Eccles.

ECCLES No. Bad old Eccles.

SEAGOON Brave boy, Eccles.

ECCLES No, coward Eccles.

SEAGOON You coward.

ECCLES I'm a coward.

BLOODNOK You coward.

ECCLES You coward.

SEAGOON You coward.

BLOODNOK Well it's no good three cowards going.

SEAGOON (calls) Mr Crun! Mr Crun, we have one hour in which to cover eighteen miles to the fort. Any suggestions?

CRUN Well, we could go by train. That's regulo 5.

FX Switch

SEAGOON Good. Open the oven door!

FX Door opens. Sound of trains

TANNOY Train now standing at Platform 7 of the gas stove, is for Fort Knight.

CRUN (echo) Just in time. Everybody into the gas stove. I'll get in first. Come on. Hand me in the right side of the stove. Now the left. Now the top and the back. Now close the oven door from the outside and bring it in after you.

ECCLES Wait a minute. Close it on the outside? And bring it in after me? That would mean climbing through it when it's shut and not opening it till I get through.

SEAGOON Well? What are you waiting for?

ECCLES I don't know how to do it.

SEAGOON We'll take the rest of the oven by train: You get the oven door and go ahead on foot. Is that all clear?

ECCLES Er -

SEAGOON Good. Swallow this road map and follow the instructions.

ORCHESTRA Dramatic chords

SEAGOON Within an hour we were at the gates of Fort Knight.

FX Gunfire bugles. Native warriors

CRUN I'll ring.

FX Doorbell

SEAGOON I'll do the talking. I've got an 11-plus, you just look intelligent.

ECCLES Oh dear.

FX Door opens

BUTLER Was that you ringing, sir?

SEAGOON No, it was the bell. We'd like to speak to the commanding officer.

BUTLER I'll see if he's in, sir.

FX Door closes

SEAGOON He was a nice fellow - I wonder why he was nude.

FX Door opens

BUTLER Pardon me, sir, they're rather busy at the moment. If you. could leave your card?

SEAGOON My card? It's in my other suit.

BUTLER Perhaps you'd like to stay to tea, sir.

SEAGOON Oh, that is kind.

BUTLER You must excuse the confusion, we have the enemies of the Queen here.

SEAGOON Oh, are they stopping here as well?

BUTLER Yes. It's all very confusing at mealtimes. Is yours the waterproof gas stove we're expecting?

SEAGOON Yes. Could we connect it to the mains?

BUTLER I'm afraid that would serve no purpose.

SEAGOON What do you mean?

BUTLER The gas was cut off yesterday. A matter of a quarter in arrears.

SEAGOON Never mind. We mustn't fail now. Eccles, open that brown paper parcel.

ECCLES (sings as opens parcel) Oh! It's you!

BLUEBOTTLE Yes, I've seen the light, Captain. I'm the rescue plan. Hello, everybody. I heard you call.

SEAGOON I haven't called yet.

BLUEBOTTLE I'm answering in advance. Strikes answering-in-advance pose, well forward on balls of feet.

SEAGOON Get into the gas stove and connect this cylinder of gas.

BLUEBOTTLE Yes, I will, Captain. I will do that. Enters gas stove, and assumes crouching position within, as assumed by certain people in Bridge over the River Kwai, playing South London all next week. Fixes gas cylinder. Here, I smell gas.

SEAGOON Can you see where the leak is?

BLUEBOTTLE No, it's very dark in here.

SEAGOON Well, strike a match.

BLUEBOTTLE All right, Captain. Oh, wait a minute. Are you sure this match will not ignite the gas, thereby deading me, as it has on many previous occasions'?

WALLACE Listeners, stand by for the obvious.

SEAGOON Of course not. They're safety matches.

BLUEBOTTLE Thank you for your words of comfort, Captain. I trust you with my life. I do do that, yes. I will strike a match now. Strikes safety match for safety.

FX Strikes match

BLUEBOTTLE Ah-hah! You're waiting for me to get deaded, aren't you? But I'm not going to. This week Bluebottle is not going to be deaded. So there

FX Explosion, followed by knock on door. Door opens

POSTMAN Brown paper parcel for you, sir.

ECCLES Thank you.

FX Paper being torn off parcel

ECCLES Oh - it's you!

BLUEBOTTLE You rotten swine, you! Seeks among debris for shattered underpants, shredded boots and three 1" by 1 ½" lumps of head.0

SEAGOON But, lad - you've done it!

BUTLER Compliments of the besieged garrison, sir, could you make your explosions quieter? We can't hear ourselves fight.

SEAGOON Don't you realise, below stairs fool, the underwater gas stove has exploded!

BUTLER Oh dear, and I had the Sunday joint all ready. This will mean surrender to the enemies of the Queen.

SEAGOON Surrender?

BUTLER Surrender.

BLOODNOK Surrender?

SEAGOON To the enemies of the Queen?

BLOODNOK A splendid idea, I'll put my coward set on!

SEAGOON No! Go in there and fight. Give out the swords. Open that gate and we'll charge.

FX Door opens

SEAGOON Charge! Wait! There's nobody here.

BLOODNOK They've all gone.

ECCLES There's not a soul.

SEAGOON What a disappointing ending to a show.

WALLACE Perhaps listeners will now believe how bad things really are in the Old Country. Good night.